DEAR ABBY: A woman wrote to ask you what you thought of the idea of a weight-loss shower for someone who had just shed 30 pounds. The "catch" to this shower was that the guests bring monetary gifts so the hostess could buy a new wardrobe to fit her smaller figure.

At first glance the idea seemed tacky to me. Just as with any other type of shower, it is inappropriate to specify a monetary gift in the invitation. Should someone inquire about gift ideas, the host could indicate that the honoree is trying to save up for a new wardrobe. However, there are many other suitable gifts for someone who has just lost weight. For example, guests could be asked to bring a copy of their favorite low-calorie recipes to be compiled into a scrapbook.

Losing unwanted pounds is no easy feat. If it were so easy, we would not have the obesity problems that we have in our society. I see it as an accomplishment to be proud of. Throwing someone a shower for this reason is certainly justified. -- NEW PORT RICHEY, FLA.

DEAR NEW PORT RICHEY: I love your idea about the diet-recipe shower. Yours was the most charitable response that letter generated. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have gained about 60 pounds in the past four years. Should I throw a party to give my friends the "opportunity" to "shower" me with money to buy new fat clothes? It would amount to exactly the same thing. There are already too many forced gift-giving occasions thrust upon us. My answer is: "No way. Boycott the shower!" -- FAT AND SASSY IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR ABBY: The lady is to be congratulated for the weight loss, but she still has a lot of guts. -- JOHN IN VISTA, CALIF.

DEAR ABBY: "Twiggy" doesn't need new clothes yet. Fifteen pounds isn't enough. Her letter takes the cake! I know she said she lost 30 pounds, but isn't it pretty clear that the other 15 pounds was her marbles?

I had an ex-in-law who gave her daughter a "shower drawing." She didn't want to make the effort to give a party, so she brought a box of envelopes to our houses so we could pick one. Inside was a photo and the price of the gift you were "asked" to buy! I drew a four-piece set of Samsonite luggage: $169.99. (This was 1966.) My husband thought we should give the bride something in which to carry her honeymoon wardrobe, so he gave her two brown paper bags. Thank God it was his side of the family. Needless to say, we weren't invited to the wedding. -- ANONYMOUS IN FORT WORTH

DEAR ABBY: I'd tell the person who was throwing the weight-loss shower that for each 30 pounds she lost, I was donating $30 (a dollar for each pound) to the local homeless shelter. When I began losing weight, I privately vowed to put $10 in our church offering plate for each pound I lost. Twenty pounds and $200 later, the church "feed the homeless" fund is fattened, and I gladly have a slightly slimmer wallet. -- PUYALLUP, WASH.

DEAR ABBY:

A 30-pound weight loss? I think that's great!

It sure is hard to lose that weight.

With Weight Watchers, I've lost 23,

But all my new clothes were paid for by me.

"Pat" in our group lost 75,

And didn't ask for a "clothing drive."

But have a shower? That depends --

I'd forget the shower and keep my friends.

-- DOT PETERSON, MILLSBORO, DEL.

DEAR DOT: Congrats on a message very well said.

I think you've hit the nail on the head!

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I can relate to "Had It in Houston" regarding their neighbor's unruly, undisciplined child.

"Tom," our neighbor's 6-year-old boy, has not only inappropriately touched our children on the school bus, but was caught touching the exposed genitals of a younger neighborhood boy on two occasions. He roams the neighborhood, uses foul language, openly hits his older sister –- and his parents appear totally clueless. For two years they've allowed Tom's behavior to get worse. The mother is rarely home, and she pawns Tom and his siblings off on our neighbors and us.

We are on the verge of notifying Children's Protective Services, but we don't want to start a "hate thy neighbor" relationship. They are already a bit "chilly" toward us because their son's behavior has forced us to send him home a few times. His parents have said nothing directly to us, but they criticize us to the other neighbors, who are well aware of the problem.

We've considered moving, but why should we go through the expense of leaving a nice area because of this family's ignorance and irresponsibility? Abby, what should we do? -- FRUSTRATED IN FOREST PARK

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Call Child Protective Services immediately. Don't put it off any longer. Talk to your other neighbors about your plan. There is strength in numbers. The boy needs psychological counseling, and the parents need parenting classes. All adults have a responsibility to save a child who is in trouble. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the inquiry posed by "Concerned in Pennsylvania," regarding adults who survived child abuse and how they managed: My siblings and I were verbally, emotionally and occasionally physically abused by both of our parents and a stepparent. I would like to share a bit of our story.

One of the most critical coping techniques for us was the love and stability provided by other family members, especially our grandparents, who offered us shelter, unconditional love, and bottomless encouragement and support. We were also very fortunate to have teachers, counselors and coaches who believed in us and lifted us up in ways that we can never thank them enough for. Finally, we had a deep-rooted, but sometimes hidden, faith in God, each other and ourselves. In other words, what some might call a "survival instinct."

In short, our survival and our thriving can be attributed to the willingness and kindness of adults who cared enough to help us in ways large and small. To those persons, we can never fully convey our thanks in words, but we can in deeds –- by becoming normal, productive and kind adults who contribute positively to society. -- A GRATEFUL SURVIVOR IN CRETNA, LA.

DEAR SURVIVOR: Your letter says it all. Thanks for writing.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Too Many Rings in Arizona" wrote you that her fiance had given her his grandmother's ring as an engagement ring, but that she preferred to wear her deceased mother's rings, which her father had been keeping for her marriage. She asked whether it would be wrong for her to ask her fiance to allow her to wear her mother's rings rather than his grandmother's.

You said to go ahead and ask him, and to offer to wear the grandmother's ring on her right hand -– or, if that bothered him, to have her mother's rings made smaller and wear them as a pinky ring on her left hand.

I disagree! When you marry, you promise to forsake all others, keeping thyself only unto him as long as you both shall live. With that in mind, which ring is more significant to the union, his choice or her father's?

If "Too Many Rings" values her father's pledge to her mother more than her fiance's commitment to her as his chosen member of his family, then she can wear her mother's rings rather than his heirloom. -- TWICE A WIFE, TWICE WIDOWED IN EDISON, GA.

DEAR TWICE: More than a few -– but not all -– of those who responded to that letter agreed with you. To me, the most important thing was that the young woman and her fiance be able to communicate frankly with each other -– and possibly reach a compromise –- about something that is obviously important to both of them. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Here's another idea for "Too Many Rings in Arizona." Before my wife and I became engaged last year, she expressed her desire for a ring with a three-diamond setting. She also inherited both of her grandmothers' engagement rings. My college roommate is a jeweler and was able to use the two diamonds and add a third in making my wife's dream ring. The ring has additional sentimental value because two of the diamonds had belonged to her grandmothers, and it was made by my college roommate. -- NEWLYWED IN LEXINGTON, S.C.

DEAR ABBY: A bride-to-be does NOT wear rings inherited from her parents on the hand she "gives" to her husband. She wears HIS rings -– the rings HE gives her -– as a traditional and deeply meaningful symbol of their union. She may certainly wear any other jewelry her taste allows, including inherited rings, on her right hand (although one would hope not at the wedding).

With the engagement and marriage, she ceases to be Mommy and Daddy's little girl, and that's an important part of the ring symbolism. She wouldn't want to send her betrothed, her parents and the rest of the world the wrong message, now, would she? -- JOHN IN POWDER SPRINGS, GA.

DEAR ABBY: A possible solution might be to take all of the rings in question, melt them down, and have a jewelry designer design something to the couple's specifications. That way material from all of the rings would be incorporated into their rings, and there would be added sentimental value.

More than 30 years ago I had wedding bands designed for my wife and me, and I still haven't seen anything else like them. -- JAY IN CANDIA, N.H.

DEAR JAY: Your idea warms my heart. There's something appealing about having all that family history combined into something they could both wear to symbolize their love for each other and their future together.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)