DEAR ABBY: I have a problem with my father-in-law. When my husband, our two young sons and I visit his parents out of state several times a year, my father-in-law gives my sons beer.

My husband has talked to his father several times and told him that alcohol is an adult drink, and the boys may not drink it with our approval until they are 21. My in-laws are both big drinkers, and when we mention it they act offended.

Last weekend, my father-in-law gave our 19-month-old several sips of beer. I kept quiet because my husband's 90-year-old grandfather was visiting, and I didn't want him to feel uncomfortable. (I didn't think my father-in-law would listen to me anyway.)

I've told my husband that it is disrespectful for his dad to continue giving our kids something when we've asked them not to. My husband's response is, "I've asked him to stop, but I don't want to say anything else about it because I don't want to 'make any waves.'" He is always making excuses for his dad, even when he called our firstborn an "ugly monkey."

My husband got upset when I told him that the kids and I would not attend any more family gatherings for a while.

Am I being irrational? Should I continue to let my father-in-law give my children alcohol even though it is against my beliefs? Help! -- ANGRY ARIZONA MOM

DEAR MOM: Providing alcohol to minors is against the law. Under no circumstances should you permit your father-in-law to give your children sips of alcoholic beverages. Alcohol is an acquired taste, and this could create a dependency that could lead to disastrous results in later years.

It is your and your husband's responsibility as parents to protect your children from harm, and alcohol is harmful to children. If you permit them to be given such drinks for fear of making waves or making others uncomfortable should you protest, your priorities are misplaced. Should it mean keeping your children from visiting their grandparents in order to protect them, then so be it.

DEAR ABBY: I have two ideas for "Steamed in Minnesota," who has uninvited "moochers" show up on weekend afternoons, loaf around until dinnertime and expect to get a free meal.

One: Don't serve dinner, crackers or refreshments of any kind. Just sit around, be polite, wait it out, and don't act hungry. (Think of it as playing "chicken" over chicken!)

Two: A couple of hours before these moochers expect to be given a free meal, announce that earlier in the day you made dinner reservations at the "Fantastico Room" at the "Ritzy Hotel" -- and if they call now, you are sure they can get a table near yours. -- PREVENT MOOCHERS IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR PREVENT: Your solutions are creative, but some of these loafers are pros at the game. So, one: Be prepared to starve; and two: If they call your bluff, be sure to ask the servers at the "Ritzy Hotel" for separate checks!

NOT CONFIDENTIAL TO MORT PHILLIPS: Happy anniversary. Every night is New Year's Eve and every day is Thanksgiving since you married me. Thank you for making me the luckiest woman alive.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my father-in-law suffered a stroke. He is now able to live by himself, but my husband, "Frank," and I deliver his meals, handle his finances and take him to his doctor's appointments.

My dilemma is that my father-in-law treats me better than he does Frank. It hurts Frank's feelings to hear his father say nasty things and accuse him of not helping. Frank is an only child, and he does everything for his father.

I promised Frank I would not say anything to his father about how unkind he is, but it gets harder every day to keep my mouth shut.

Frank and I are extremely close, and I can't stand to see him hurt. Should I stay out of it like I promised, or should I get more involved? -- ANGRY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR ANGRY: Start by confidentially asking your father-in-law's doctor if the stroke affected the part of his brain that regulates personality, behavior and mood. If your father-in-law treated Frank more kindly before the stroke, his agitation may be the result of the illness.

Depression is common in stroke victims, and is treatable through medication, psychotherapy and behavior modification. If your father-in-law has any insight into his abusive behavior, it can be adjusted. If not, your husband, through counseling, must learn behavioral strategies so he can avoid "triggering" an emotional outburst from his father.

For more information, contact the National Stroke Association, 9707 E. Easter Lane, Englewood, CO 80112-3747. The telephone number is 1-800-STROKES (1-800-787-6537), and online: www.stroke.org.

DEAR ABBY: When is it proper to use a preprinted mailing label? Over the past year I have received thank-you notes, holiday cards and wedding invitations with mass-produced mailing labels stuck on the envelopes.

Whatever happened to handwritten names and addresses? Am I expecting too much? I feel as if the sender is rushed and ungrateful. -- UNGLUED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR UNGLUED: While it is still considered proper to hand-address personal correspondence such as invitations and thank-you notes, people are so rushed these days that it is often more convenient to use printed labels. (Also, they are more legible.)

Ask yourself what is more important, the envelope or its contents?

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the columns you printed about the importance of health-care professionals washing their hands. But what about food handlers?

Whenever I am at deli counters, I have had to ask the workers to please change their gloves. They leave the work area, open doors, go from bloody roast beef to cheese displays, then pleasantly ask, "May I help you?"

I have repeatedly requested that supermarket managers do something about it. Nothing gets done. It's disgusting. -- FRUSTRATED IN BRYANTVILLE, MASS.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The employees you mentioned may not have received proper training; perhaps you would see some results if you complained to the county health department. If there isn't a regulation against this, there should be.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Each year on the Fourth of July, thousands of adults and children are seriously injured by fireworks. Many burns and injuries affect eyesight, permanently damaging, and in some cases, blinding the victims. Because of this, the American Optometric Association has joined the Millennium Fireworks Safety Partners, a coalition of 35 national organizations, in urging people to avoid private fireworks and instead enjoy professional displays.

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), an estimated 20 percent to 25 percent of firework injuries are to the eyes. In a special study of fireworks-related injuries covering the period June 23 to July 23, 1999, CPSC reports that there were 6,300 emergency room-treated injuries, most involving fireworks, rockets and sparklers. Forty percent of the victims were under 15 years of age, and about 75 percent were males.

Sparklers are the second most frequent cause of fireworks injuries that result in trips to the emergency room. In addition to potential burns, a sparkler can literally "poke someone's eye out."

Please be careful this Fourth of July. Protect your precious eyesight by avoiding fireworks at home. Enjoy professional displays from a safe distance. -- HARVEY P. HANLEN, PRESIDENT, AMERICAN OPTOMETRIC ASSOCIATION

DEAR DR. HANLEN: The statistics you quoted are alarming, and thank you for the warning.

The loss of a finger, an eye or a life would turn a happy holiday into a tragedy. Readers, please celebrate the Fourth of July safely by attending professional fireworks displays and forgo setting off your own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 29-year-old daughter who is married and has two small children.

When she turned 17, she went to Israel and slowly became Orthodox Jewish. She married a guy just like her. My husband and I are Jewish but not religious; however, I accepted her new way of life even though we continue to live our own way of life.

My problem is my husband. He says that she went against his wishes, and she should have considered his opinion. He expects me to minimize my visits, saying we are married and should "work as a team."

Abby, religious or not religious, my grandchildren are my life. I will never stop seeing them or loving them. I think my husband needs to hear other people's views. Would you care to comment? -- JANE IN NEW YORK

DEAR JANE: Your letter is unusual. Although I have received mail from parents deploring the fact that their children are living together without marriage and having children out of wedlock, I receive very few from parents who complain that their children are too religious.

Your daughter is an adult, and as such she has a right to worship as she wishes. While your husband feels she should have consulted him about her choice of husband and lifestyle, the decision was hers to make. It appears that your daughter doesn't respect his opinion. After reading your description of his narrow-minded, controlling nature and unilateral way of dealing with those near and dear, I don't blame her.

You have your head on straight. Keep the lines of communication open.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)