DEAR ABBY: Several years ago my father-in-law suffered a stroke. He is now able to live by himself, but my husband, "Frank," and I deliver his meals, handle his finances and take him to his doctor's appointments.

My dilemma is that my father-in-law treats me better than he does Frank. It hurts Frank's feelings to hear his father say nasty things and accuse him of not helping. Frank is an only child, and he does everything for his father.

I promised Frank I would not say anything to his father about how unkind he is, but it gets harder every day to keep my mouth shut.

Frank and I are extremely close, and I can't stand to see him hurt. Should I stay out of it like I promised, or should I get more involved? -- ANGRY DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR ANGRY: Start by confidentially asking your father-in-law's doctor if the stroke affected the part of his brain that regulates personality, behavior and mood. If your father-in-law treated Frank more kindly before the stroke, his agitation may be the result of the illness.

Depression is common in stroke victims, and is treatable through medication, psychotherapy and behavior modification. If your father-in-law has any insight into his abusive behavior, it can be adjusted. If not, your husband, through counseling, must learn behavioral strategies so he can avoid "triggering" an emotional outburst from his father.

For more information, contact the National Stroke Association, 9707 E. Easter Lane, Englewood, CO 80112-3747. The telephone number is 1-800-STROKES (1-800-787-6537), and online: www.stroke.org.

DEAR ABBY: When is it proper to use a preprinted mailing label? Over the past year I have received thank-you notes, holiday cards and wedding invitations with mass-produced mailing labels stuck on the envelopes.

Whatever happened to handwritten names and addresses? Am I expecting too much? I feel as if the sender is rushed and ungrateful. -- UNGLUED IN MASSACHUSETTS

DEAR UNGLUED: While it is still considered proper to hand-address personal correspondence such as invitations and thank-you notes, people are so rushed these days that it is often more convenient to use printed labels. (Also, they are more legible.)

Ask yourself what is more important, the envelope or its contents?

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the columns you printed about the importance of health-care professionals washing their hands. But what about food handlers?

Whenever I am at deli counters, I have had to ask the workers to please change their gloves. They leave the work area, open doors, go from bloody roast beef to cheese displays, then pleasantly ask, "May I help you?"

I have repeatedly requested that supermarket managers do something about it. Nothing gets done. It's disgusting. -- FRUSTRATED IN BRYANTVILLE, MASS.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The employees you mentioned may not have received proper training; perhaps you would see some results if you complained to the county health department. If there isn't a regulation against this, there should be.

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DEAR ABBY: Each year on the Fourth of July, thousands of adults and children are seriously injured by fireworks. Many burns and injuries affect eyesight, permanently damaging, and in some cases, blinding the victims. Because of this, the American Optometric Association has joined the Millennium Fireworks Safety Partners, a coalition of 35 national organizations, in urging people to avoid private fireworks and instead enjoy professional displays.

According to the U.S. Consumer Product Safety Commission (CPSC), an estimated 20 percent to 25 percent of firework injuries are to the eyes. In a special study of fireworks-related injuries covering the period June 23 to July 23, 1999, CPSC reports that there were 6,300 emergency room-treated injuries, most involving fireworks, rockets and sparklers. Forty percent of the victims were under 15 years of age, and about 75 percent were males.

Sparklers are the second most frequent cause of fireworks injuries that result in trips to the emergency room. In addition to potential burns, a sparkler can literally "poke someone's eye out."

Please be careful this Fourth of July. Protect your precious eyesight by avoiding fireworks at home. Enjoy professional displays from a safe distance. -- HARVEY P. HANLEN, PRESIDENT, AMERICAN OPTOMETRIC ASSOCIATION

DEAR DR. HANLEN: The statistics you quoted are alarming, and thank you for the warning.

The loss of a finger, an eye or a life would turn a happy holiday into a tragedy. Readers, please celebrate the Fourth of July safely by attending professional fireworks displays and forgo setting off your own.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have a 29-year-old daughter who is married and has two small children.

When she turned 17, she went to Israel and slowly became Orthodox Jewish. She married a guy just like her. My husband and I are Jewish but not religious; however, I accepted her new way of life even though we continue to live our own way of life.

My problem is my husband. He says that she went against his wishes, and she should have considered his opinion. He expects me to minimize my visits, saying we are married and should "work as a team."

Abby, religious or not religious, my grandchildren are my life. I will never stop seeing them or loving them. I think my husband needs to hear other people's views. Would you care to comment? -- JANE IN NEW YORK

DEAR JANE: Your letter is unusual. Although I have received mail from parents deploring the fact that their children are living together without marriage and having children out of wedlock, I receive very few from parents who complain that their children are too religious.

Your daughter is an adult, and as such she has a right to worship as she wishes. While your husband feels she should have consulted him about her choice of husband and lifestyle, the decision was hers to make. It appears that your daughter doesn't respect his opinion. After reading your description of his narrow-minded, controlling nature and unilateral way of dealing with those near and dear, I don't blame her.

You have your head on straight. Keep the lines of communication open.

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DEAR ABBY: Regarding the teen-age girl who is being called a lesbian because she finds wearing a bra uncomfortable -- at age 66 I have grown weary of people whose only exercise is jumping to conclusions!

I do not wear a bra because the straps hurt my pacemaker site. (My "alien implant.")

I wear clothing with double chest pockets, or T-shirts with wonderful, happy designs so my braless state is not obvious. At my age, if I did wear a bra it would be a 34-long! -- GLENNA MAHON, CONCORD, VA.

DEAR GLENNA: I agree; there may be mitigating circumstances for going braless. Your letter reminds me of this old joke: "When is a brassiere like the Salvation Army?" Answer: "When it uplifts the downfallen."

DEAR ABBY: A close friend died unexpectedly. It was a shock to all of us who loved her. Attending the funeral helped me to say goodbye and eased the grief. The service was so beautiful that I commented later to my husband how I wished I could have videotaped it in order to remember the wonderful closure it gave me. He said he, too, would have liked a videotape, but that people would have thought it "tacky" if we showed up with a video camera.

My husband is 66 and I am 31. We know the odds are that he will die before me, and would like this question answered before that happens. Abby, is it awful to want a record of saying goodbye to a dearly loved human being in this manner? -- GRIEVING IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR GRIEVING: Some churches provide audiotapes of funerals. If the family would like a video of the eulogy portion of the service, to record the tributes for later viewing or to share with those who could not attend, I see nothing wrong with it. However, some attendees might prefer that their grief not be recorded for posterity, and their wishes should be respected.

If the family makes the arrangements, I'm all for it. But for someone to simply show up with a video camera would be intrusive and insensitive.

P.S. Since none of us has a contract with God, there is a chance that you could predecease your husband. How would you feel about your funeral being videotaped?

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to Jim Isbell's letter about his experience with the Vietnamese man who was working in a restaurant on Mother's Day. Vietnam DOES have a Mother's Day. It takes place on the 15th day of July on the Vietnamese calendar, and is called Vu Lan.

On Vu Lan day we go to the temple and pray for our mothers to live long lives. If our mother is still alive, we wear a red rose. When people wear a white rose, it means their mother has died but they are at the temple to remember her.

Most Vietnamese Buddhist temples have a tradition of wearing roses on Vu Lan day. If you go to a temple on this day without wearing a rose, people in the temple will ask you about your mother and will pin a red or white rose on you. -- D.N.K., ROSEMEAD, CALIF.

DEAR D.N.K.: What a lovely tradition. I'm struck by the fact that we have a similar one in our culture. A red carnation is worn on Mother's Day to signify that one's mother is living; a white carnation signifies that one's mother is deceased.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)