DEAR ABBY: Please help! I caught my 11-year-old son sneaking in my bedroom going through my husband's drawers, and he found a Penthouse magazine. (The only one in our house, I might add.) My husband and I are both extremely upset over this, but don't know how to handle it. First, my son has lost our trust by going through our room when we weren't home, and second, he lied about it. Lastly, we are concerned that he was exposed to that kind of material. There was much more in that magazine than anyone should see.

I feel that our son has lost his innocence, and my husband and I are both distraught at the thought of it. How do you punish a child for this? I understand the curiosity -- his class is in the middle of "family life experiences" this week. My son is generally a good kid, other than the fact that when he does something wrong, he tends to lie his way through it.

Please help or advise any way you can. -- UPSET IN ALEXANDRIA, VA.

DEAR UPSET: It's important not to overreact. Your boy is becoming a man, and his curiosity is normal. Use this experience as an opportunity to open the lines of communication. If his father hasn't already had that "father-son" chat with him, Dad had better hurry, because it is overdue.

In a week or two, in a nonconfrontational manner, point out to your son that just as you respect his privacy, you expect him to respect yours. And that means not rummaging through your personal effects. In the future, keep items that are "private" in a locked cabinet or closet.

Lest you think you're the only parents with this problem, read on for one that arrived the same day as yours:

DEAR ABBY: I had a collection of Playboy magazines in a sealed box in our attic. One day while putting something in the attic, I noticed that the tape had been removed from the box and someone had gone through my magazines. I brought this to the attention of my wife. She recalled that my 8-year-old son had been in the attic recently.

I went upstairs to his bedroom and asked him if he had been in the attic and had removed the tape from a box that held some magazines. I told him that all I wanted was a truthful answer. I told him that when he answered, I would know if he was telling me the truth. He asked, "Dad, how can you tell?"

I replied, "After you answer, I'll ask you to stick out your tongue. If you're not truthful, your tongue will have spots on it." Then I asked him if he had removed the tape from the box in the attic. He replied, "No."

I said, "Stick out your tongue."

After he did, I said, "Uh-oh!"

He stood there looking up at me with his hands on his hips and said, "Dad, that was from the LAST time." -- B.W. IN HURON, OHIO

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my boyfriend's parents gave me a large, expensively matted and framed picture of him and me for my birthday. Our relationship ended several months ago, and I am debating whether it would be appropriate to return the picture. It has been sitting in the closet since we broke up.

Should I return the picture to his parents, or to my former boyfriend? -- OUT OF THE PICTURE IN INDIANA

DEAR OUT OF THE PICTURE: Write the parents a sweet note and ask them if they want the picture returned. If they don't, you can always use the frame if someone new enters the picture.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Twelve years ago, my brother was in a financial bind. He stood to lose his home and possibly his livelihood. He asked my husband and me to buy part of his farmland so that he could use the cash to pay off his debts.

We live on a fixed income, but we had some investments pay out so we had the cash to purchase the land. We agreed to let him continue to farm the land, and he was to pay us one-third of the income as rent. We left all the details to him, as we had no reason to distrust him. However, we recently discovered that he has been receiving a government subsidy that he was supposed to share with us. It is not a great deal of money on a yearly basis, but over the past 12 years it has amounted to a few thousand dollars.

My husband and I are hurt and disappointed over this deception. We don't want to take legal action, nor do we want to embarrass him in any way. We would like to resolve this matter in a tactful way to permit him to save face. We discussed selling the land, but this would probably put him in a financial bind, and we don't want to do that.

My brother has a fairly good life. He owns his home free and clear, has a place at the lake and owns a boat. In other words, he is not destitute.

Have you any suggestions on how to resolve this matter without hard feelings on either side? -- DISAPPOINTED IN ARKANSAS

DEAR DISAPPOINTED: Frankly, I don't. Your kindness and concern have been abused, and you have caught your brother with his hand in the cookie jar. This will continue until you put a stop to it -- and when you do, instead of being angry at himself, he will displace his anger onto you, so be prepared.

DEAR ABBY: I taught school for 30 years and used your column many times to foster rich discussions in the classroom. You have always addressed the problems in society squarely, and in doing so, given readers springboards from which to launch dialogues of their own.

The recent letter from "Niece in Troy, N.Y.," discussing why people should make an effort to visit relatives who can no longer communicate as they once did, really hit home.

I am in the "sandwich" generation. I am a grandmother with seven grandchildren, and I have both parents and a former mother-in-law who are in varying forms of dementia.

Recently, while I was driving two of my granddaughters to my house, we passed the elder care home where my former mother-in-law now resides. She is the great-grandmother to the little girls. As we went by, Sophia, who is 4 years old, said, "That's where Nonie lives."

"That's right," I answered, and continued driving.

"But, Gran," she asked, "aren't we going to stop and check on her?" Of course, we did.

At that moment, I realized what a wonderful job my son and his wife had done. Their children were being taught compassion, caring and responsibility to those who could no longer care for themselves.

None of us knows how we are going to end up. I feel proud knowing that my children are teaching their children values. -- "GRAN" IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR "GRAN": You have every reason to be proud of your children and grandchildren.

P.S. I'm sure they learned a lot about compassion from you.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As we prepare to celebrate Memorial Day, we should remember that this noble holiday is more than just a day off from work or school to spend time with our families or enjoy the outdoors. Memorial Day was created to honor those who gave their lives in service to our nation, and to reflect on the blessings of freedom.

This year, President Clinton and the U.S. Congress are joining together to urge Americans to put the "memorial" back into Memorial Day by participating in a National Moment of Remembrance. At 3 p.m. local time on Monday, May 29, Americans everywhere are encouraged to pause for one minute to pay tribute to our fallen heroes. We ask that "Taps" be played on radio and television stations and at public events wherever possible, and that those who are driving turn on their headlights. Whether at home or abroad, alone or with others, every American is encouraged to observe this moment of reflection in his or her own way.

On Memorial Day 2000, let us as a nation unite to thank the courageous men and women who paid with their lives so that we could enjoy this Memorial Day and every day in freedom. -- JOHN PODESTA, CHIEF OF STAFF TO THE PRESIDENT

DEAR MR. PODESTA: That's very little to ask of the proud citizens of this nation. Devoting one minute out of the holiday to remember those who have laid down their lives that we might live in freedom is the least we can do to acknowledge their sacrifice.

I thank you for bringing this to the attention of my readers.

DEAR ABBY: My husband, "Rob," was adopted at the age of 6 weeks. I have known about it since we first began dating.

We now have three school-age children, and we never thought it was necessary to tell them that their dad was adopted. We were wrong.

About a month ago, our 10-year-old daughter got into a quarrel with "Megan," the 13-year-old daughter of my husband's adoptive aunt. Megan was cruel to our daughter and told her that she is not really a "Smith" grandchild. This resulted in our daughter coming home in tears and totally confused.

At that point we did our best to explain to her that, while she has a different genetic makeup, she is certainly a Smith in every other way.

Abby, this painful incident could have been avoided had we been more open with our daughter from the beginning about her dad's adoption. Please tell your readers that honesty is always the best policy. Thanks for listening. -- LEARNED THE HARD WAY

DEAR LEARNED: I have done that in the past, and I will continue to do it. Your letter serves as a valuable warning to parents who may have withheld information that could provide a child with a better understanding of his or her family.

P.S. Your husband should consider confronting his aunt and asking her where she thinks her daughter "picked up" such a cruel idea.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)