DEAR ABBY: I'll bet you get plenty of letters from grannies responding to "Bent Out of Shape in Bend, Ore." Here is MY response. You may use it if you choose:

To "Bent Out of Shape": I laughed myself silly when I read how exhausted you were after visiting Granny with your 18-month-old son. Granny doesn't have to read a "current baby/toddler book" to get the "new information" on baby-proofing a house. Granny raised YOU without all the modern gadgets. She used a tool you may not have heard of -- a firm and gentle "NO."

She also used a useful device called a playpen to get an hour or so of rest a day from following a toddler around. I'm sorry to inform you that you'll be exhausted for the next 18 years. The entire world is a hazardous place, and it is YOUR job to protect your own child.

When my grandchildren come to visit, I provide everything: food, cribs, toys, baby gates, entertainment, bibs, diapers, etc., and I watch them as closely as I can. I give the parents a break by baby sitting a night or so during their stay. I also tuck a little extra cash in their pockets to help out when I can.

If you want Granny's house baby-proofed for your visit, I suggest YOU bring all the gadgets and baby-proof the house yourself. Please remember to put all the gadgets, litter boxes, detergents, chemicals, coins, photos, candles and other things back where they belong before you leave.

I laughed myself silly because if you think YOU are exhausted when you leave Granny's house, think how exhausted Granny is. We Grannies did our jobs 20 years ago, and trust me, babies were the same then as they are now. It's just YOUR turn to do the work. We Grannies have a golf game. -- LAUGHING GRANNY

DEAR LAUGHING GRANNY: I have taken some lumps for my answer to that letter. And while I agree that it is the parent's job to watch the toddler, the writer of that letter had a point. Anyone who is going to regularly have small children in the house would be well advised to make sure that chemicals, medications and breakables are placed out of reach. You would never forgive yourself if your and your daughter's attention were diverted for a few minutes and the child was seriously hurt, or worse. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Bent Out of Shape" may be dealing with a difference in parenting styles. My mother also complained about my brother's request that she baby-proof the house before the visit of her first grandchild.

Mother believed that correcting a toddler when it reached for a low-lying table was the way to introduce limits and teach respect for other people's things. While she accepted the need to remove dangerous items, she wanted to keep her "nice" things in place. She felt it was the parents' responsibility to watch the child and was annoyed when their attention wandered and her grandchild got into something.

Happily it didn't take long for her to have a change of heart. Mom got tired of worrying about her prized breakables and eventually moved the most precious out of reach. She also got tired of trying to converse with adults who were constantly on the alert.

Child-proofing my house made my job easier and far more pleasant. As my children grew, I gradually returned the breakables to their places, teaching them not to touch. By the time my youngest was 3, everything was back in place and we hadn't lost a thing.

"Bent" may want to have a talk with her mother about this. -- ALL INTACT IN ATLANTA

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DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, I couldn't wait to wear a bra. By the time I turned 16 last summer, I decided I'd had enough of wearing a bra. My mom, who hasn't worn one since she was 18, had no problem with it as long as it wasn't obvious that I was braless. And for six months it wasn't.

Not until I went to a slumber party, and some of the other girls there saw me change into my pj's, did anyone notice I was not wearing a bra.

The girls began to make fun of me, telling me that only lesbians go braless. (It doesn't help that I currently have a boyfriend.) Now word has gotten all around school, and people are doing all sorts of things to make fun of me, from boys pretending to unsnap my nonexistent bra to a girl actually coming on to me thinking I was really gay. My mom says she was lucky; going braless was accepted when she was a teen, and I should just ignore the comments and they'll eventually stop.

Having gone without a bra this long, I don't want to go back -- they are just too uncomfortable and I am too flat to have any use for them. But I can't stand the constant ridicule. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do? -- BRALESS (NO CITY OR STATE, PLEASE)

DEAR BRALESS: I'm old enough to remember when feminists burned their bras in symbolic protest of restrictions on our freedom. It had nothing to do with a person's sexual orientation then -- and your classmates are flaunting their ignorance if they think it has anything to do with it now. What nonsense!

What probably started out as a joke has taken on a life of its own and has gone too far. The behavior you are describing sounds like harassment, and the principal of your school should be informed. Part of his or her job is to guarantee that students can pursue an education free of harassment. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received an invitation to a wedding shower requesting that all gifts should be made in cash. Included with the invitation was a small envelope in which to place the money.

When I inquired about presenting a more traditional gift to the couple, I was told they didn't need anything. They have purchased an expensive new home, furniture, new automobiles, etc. The wedding and reception are being paid for by the bride's family, so the bride and groom have incurred little or no expense for these events.

Abby, I have attended bridal showers and weddings where a money tree was offered as an option in gift-giving. However, I find this to be in extremely poor taste and highly presumptuous. I have talked to others who are being invited, and we see this as nothing more than a ploy to gather a huge cash gift.

Your thoughts on this, please. -- AN OFFENDED FRIEND

DEAR OFFENDED: I agree that to ask for money is in poor taste and presumptuous, and to include an envelope with the invitation was tacky. I'd advise you to skip the shower unless you want to be soaked.

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DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Hurting in Lake Forest, Calif.," the widower who felt isolated by family and friends after his wife's death, prompts this letter.

The fact is, most people don't know how to deal with someone experiencing grief. Most people don't call after a death because they don't know what to say. They are afraid they might "upset" the person who is grieving by mentioning the deceased. They don't know what to do if the person gets upset or begins to cry. These people need to know that the person who is grieving is feeling sad anyway, and talking about their loved one doesn't make them feel worse, but better (eventually). "Hurting" said it all by pointing out that his friends and family have disappeared at a time when he needs them the most.

Grief is a process for each individual. There are many normal emotions associated with grief, including anger, sadness, guilt, confusion and denial. It is important for everyone to know -- grievers and supporters alike -- that it is OK to feel and express all of those emotions.

Please tell your readers, the next time they know someone is experiencing grief, to PICK UP THE PHONE OR PAY A VISIT! It may be the only one the grieving person receives. -- GRIEF EDUCATOR IN LOUISIANA

DEAR EDUCATOR: There is wisdom in your letter, and I hope it enlightens those who need it. There is a great deal of discomfort about death in our society. Some people act as if death is contagious. Others are embarrassed by grieving and don't know what to say, so they say nothing. However, a kind word can soothe an aching heart. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Hurting in Lake Forest" there are many ways to deal with widowhood. My husband passed away two years ago. We had lots of friends we socialized with frequently. I don't know if the women were afraid they'd have to pay for my meal, but after the funeral, all of them disappeared.

I joined a health club, began volunteering at the local hospital and began a new life for myself. Now I'm enjoying new friendships -- and so can the widower in Lake Forest. -- LIVING WELL IN TUCSON

DEAR LIVING WELL: Bravo! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Tied to every ending is a new beginning. I couldn't boil water without burning it when my wife died. I had to learn how to cook in order to survive. Eating alone was no fun, so I invited a couple for dinner and was the brunt of good-natured jokes and kidding about the mess I made in the kitchen. However, they helped me clean the mess and gave me an "E" for effort.

I continued to extend invitations, and this resulted in dinner invitations at the rate of about two for one. I'm still clumsy in the kitchen, but I get the job done. At age 73 (and still single) I am still having dinner parties and being invited out a couple of nights a week. -- NEWPORT BEACH BOB

DEAR BOB: You're right; it's important to reach out instead of waiting to be taken care of. Other suggestions sent by readers for "Hurting in Lake Forest" included: joining a grief support group; checking with the Veterans of Foreign Wars and attending military reunions -- or anything that gets you out of the house and puts you in contact with other people; joining AARP's Widowed Person's Service; joining a little theater group; taking classes at a commumity college; volunteering in schools, libraries, hospitals, shelters and charities. The choices are endless.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)