DEAR ABBY: When I was 12, I couldn't wait to wear a bra. By the time I turned 16 last summer, I decided I'd had enough of wearing a bra. My mom, who hasn't worn one since she was 18, had no problem with it as long as it wasn't obvious that I was braless. And for six months it wasn't.

Not until I went to a slumber party, and some of the other girls there saw me change into my pj's, did anyone notice I was not wearing a bra.

The girls began to make fun of me, telling me that only lesbians go braless. (It doesn't help that I currently have a boyfriend.) Now word has gotten all around school, and people are doing all sorts of things to make fun of me, from boys pretending to unsnap my nonexistent bra to a girl actually coming on to me thinking I was really gay. My mom says she was lucky; going braless was accepted when she was a teen, and I should just ignore the comments and they'll eventually stop.

Having gone without a bra this long, I don't want to go back -- they are just too uncomfortable and I am too flat to have any use for them. But I can't stand the constant ridicule. Do you have any suggestions as to what I can do? -- BRALESS (NO CITY OR STATE, PLEASE)

DEAR BRALESS: I'm old enough to remember when feminists burned their bras in symbolic protest of restrictions on our freedom. It had nothing to do with a person's sexual orientation then -- and your classmates are flaunting their ignorance if they think it has anything to do with it now. What nonsense!

What probably started out as a joke has taken on a life of its own and has gone too far. The behavior you are describing sounds like harassment, and the principal of your school should be informed. Part of his or her job is to guarantee that students can pursue an education free of harassment. Please don't wait.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received an invitation to a wedding shower requesting that all gifts should be made in cash. Included with the invitation was a small envelope in which to place the money.

When I inquired about presenting a more traditional gift to the couple, I was told they didn't need anything. They have purchased an expensive new home, furniture, new automobiles, etc. The wedding and reception are being paid for by the bride's family, so the bride and groom have incurred little or no expense for these events.

Abby, I have attended bridal showers and weddings where a money tree was offered as an option in gift-giving. However, I find this to be in extremely poor taste and highly presumptuous. I have talked to others who are being invited, and we see this as nothing more than a ploy to gather a huge cash gift.

Your thoughts on this, please. -- AN OFFENDED FRIEND

DEAR OFFENDED: I agree that to ask for money is in poor taste and presumptuous, and to include an envelope with the invitation was tacky. I'd advise you to skip the shower unless you want to be soaked.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Hurting in Lake Forest, Calif.," the widower who felt isolated by family and friends after his wife's death, prompts this letter.

The fact is, most people don't know how to deal with someone experiencing grief. Most people don't call after a death because they don't know what to say. They are afraid they might "upset" the person who is grieving by mentioning the deceased. They don't know what to do if the person gets upset or begins to cry. These people need to know that the person who is grieving is feeling sad anyway, and talking about their loved one doesn't make them feel worse, but better (eventually). "Hurting" said it all by pointing out that his friends and family have disappeared at a time when he needs them the most.

Grief is a process for each individual. There are many normal emotions associated with grief, including anger, sadness, guilt, confusion and denial. It is important for everyone to know -- grievers and supporters alike -- that it is OK to feel and express all of those emotions.

Please tell your readers, the next time they know someone is experiencing grief, to PICK UP THE PHONE OR PAY A VISIT! It may be the only one the grieving person receives. -- GRIEF EDUCATOR IN LOUISIANA

DEAR EDUCATOR: There is wisdom in your letter, and I hope it enlightens those who need it. There is a great deal of discomfort about death in our society. Some people act as if death is contagious. Others are embarrassed by grieving and don't know what to say, so they say nothing. However, a kind word can soothe an aching heart. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Hurting in Lake Forest" there are many ways to deal with widowhood. My husband passed away two years ago. We had lots of friends we socialized with frequently. I don't know if the women were afraid they'd have to pay for my meal, but after the funeral, all of them disappeared.

I joined a health club, began volunteering at the local hospital and began a new life for myself. Now I'm enjoying new friendships -- and so can the widower in Lake Forest. -- LIVING WELL IN TUCSON

DEAR LIVING WELL: Bravo! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Tied to every ending is a new beginning. I couldn't boil water without burning it when my wife died. I had to learn how to cook in order to survive. Eating alone was no fun, so I invited a couple for dinner and was the brunt of good-natured jokes and kidding about the mess I made in the kitchen. However, they helped me clean the mess and gave me an "E" for effort.

I continued to extend invitations, and this resulted in dinner invitations at the rate of about two for one. I'm still clumsy in the kitchen, but I get the job done. At age 73 (and still single) I am still having dinner parties and being invited out a couple of nights a week. -- NEWPORT BEACH BOB

DEAR BOB: You're right; it's important to reach out instead of waiting to be taken care of. Other suggestions sent by readers for "Hurting in Lake Forest" included: joining a grief support group; checking with the Veterans of Foreign Wars and attending military reunions -- or anything that gets you out of the house and puts you in contact with other people; joining AARP's Widowed Person's Service; joining a little theater group; taking classes at a commumity college; volunteering in schools, libraries, hospitals, shelters and charities. The choices are endless.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a former hospice nurse, now completing my graduate training as a nurse-practitioner in oncology. I am dismayed by the frequency with which physicians and the media ignore or misrepresent hospice as an option for terminally ill people and their families.

Hospice is NOT "giving up." It is changing the focus of care to enhance quality of life. The hospice team of nurses, social workers, chaplains and physicians accompanies patients on a difficult journey with an eye to relieving physical, emotional and spiritual pain and suffering. Hospice care alleviates the fear of dying. Indeed, it allows patients to die with dignity and in a way that enhances the beauty and meaning of life and death for them and their families. -- ROSIE TOWNLEY BAKEWELL

DEAR ROSIE: I hope your letter generates the kind of response it deserves, because it's an important one as our population ages. I'm sad to say that even today, patients die protracted and painful deaths because some physicians and misguided but well-intentioned families seem unable or unwilling to admit that the person is terminal. Perhaps some of the fault lies with the medical schools, which have not given end-of-life issues enough attention in their curricula.

Since everyone has to die, a death with dignity seems like the way to make every minute of life one that's worth living.

DEAR ABBY: I am writing with a message of warning to newlywed wives.

When I first married "Jim," I used to spend hours after dinner every night on the phone with my mother talking about family news -- what was happening with my father, my sister, my sister's husband, etc. When Jim complained, my mother and I both felt he was being selfish and ignored him.

Soon Jim took up jogging, and as soon as I picked up the phone in the evening, he would leave the house to run his miles. Then Jim started traveling to races on the weekends, and eventually met "Peggy," a pretty schoolteacher from a neighboring town who also liked to jog.

My inability to "let go" and build my primary family ties with my new husband cost me a great guy. How do I know he's so great? Because he still waves to my mother and me when we see him in the park jogging with Peggy and their two beautiful daughters. -- OUT OF THE RACE IN N.J.

DEAR OUT: I'm printing your cautionary tale for all to see. How sad that your preoccupation with your family caused you to shut out the person with whom you vowed to build a life.

I find it interesting that when your ex-husband sees you in the park, you're still with your mother. Unless that's the way you want it to be for the rest of your life, I recommend some counseling.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "CALL ME LUCKY": You are right. As author J.G. Holland observed: "The most precious possession that ever comes to a man in this world is a woman's heart."

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)