DEAR ABBY: I have been married for three years. My husband and I have talked about counseling, but I am afraid we are beyond counseling. Please help me!

My husband says that I do not communicate well with him about my feelings. I agree that it is an area in which I could improve. My problem is his method of finding out my true feelings. My husband taps our home telephone line. What upsets me the most is not that he records the conversations -- but he keeps the tapes and uses them to hurt other people and ruin my friendships. A friendship of 15 years has just ended because of his "taped sessions."

His most recent escapade has cost me a friend of almost two years, her job and possibly mine. It doesn't even stop there, but you wouldn't have enough time to read about the friends I've lost and the problems we've encountered.

I care for my husband and understand that he feels I don't communicate well enough with him -- but I still think that he has gone entirely too far. What should I do? -- MRS. H. IN NEW ORLEANS

DEAR MRS. H: Taping telephone conversations without the consent of both parties is against the law in some states, in case your husband doesn't know it. And using what he has heard on the tapes to "hurt" the friends who have confided in you is unconscionable.

Perhaps if your husband were not so overbearing, it would be easier for you to open up to him. And although he thinks you have a problem with communication, I have read your letter and you communicate very well. Do not accept his excuse that your difficulty with communication is the reason for his behavior.

His need to control you, and to drive away anyone who might befriend you, is neither normal nor healthy, and is one of the traits of an abuser. It is far more serious than the problem of which he accused you. Marriage counseling for both of you would be a giant step in the right direction.

DEAR ABBY: I noted with interest your column in which a female pilot recommended learning Morse code for SOS in case of emergencies. As an amateur radio operator (extra-class, requiring a code speed of 20 words per minute), and having gone through the Army's Radio Operators School (25wpm), I heartily agree! Unfortunately, I think that the times are agin' us. I cite the following dates, which rank high in Morse code infamy:

April 1, 1995: U.S. Coast Guard stops monitoring frequencies for Morse distress signals.

Oct. 1, 1996: MARS (Military Affiliate Radio System -- essentially, ham radio operators cooperating with the U.S. armed forces) eliminates the use of Morse code.

Feb. 1, 1999: By international agreement, all commercial ships no longer will use Morse code.

April 15, 2000: The FCC lowers the code requirement for general and advanced (13 wpm) and extra-class (20 wpm) licenses to 5 wpm.

So, Abby, it looks like only pilots and ham operators will be able to send and receive Morse code from now on. -- DAVE SHER, W9LYA, SKOKIE, ILL.

DEAR DAVE: Believe me, your letter was news to me. If Morse code has gone the way of the automobile crank, the powdered wig and Emerson television sets, I suppose we'll just have to accept it, and accept with good faith the more advanced technology that has replaced it.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother and I have been discussing the proper way to address an envelope to a divorced lady. I have been divorced for several years and am on very good terms with my ex-husband and his wife.

Last year, my aunt sent me a Christmas card to "Mrs. Albert Jones." It was ironic that it arrived on a day when my ex and his wife were at my house. I looked at my ex's wife and said, "This must be for you!" Knowing my aunt, we all laughed about it.

I spoke with my mother and asked her to tell her sister not to address me in that manner. I am divorced from Albert and am no longer his wife. (As a matter of fact, Mrs. Albert Jones does exist -- and it's not me!!)

This year, my aunt has at least improved a bit. She sent my Christmas card to "Mrs. Tina Smith." I again spoke with my mother and told her that since I have been divorced for several years, I do not consider myself a "Mrs." My mother replied that it is still proper to address a divorced woman as "Mrs." I do not believe this is correct. I explained to my mother that in the case of a death, the wife could continue to use her husband's name -- but not in the case of a divorce. Which one of us is right, Abby? -- TINA IN ORLANDO, FLA.

DEAR TINA: Your mother is correct. A divorced woman may take back her maiden name (Miss Jane Smith), or she may properly be addressed as Mrs. first name plus her husband's last name (Mrs. Jane Jones).

DEAR ABBY: I am a 29-year-old divorced father with a 6-year-old son. My relationship with my ex-wife has been OK over the past three years -- not much fighting -- as our divorce was mutual. I don't hang out with her, but she comes to my parents' house on our son's birthday and at Christmas to watch him open gifts. In the summer, she watches him play basketball while I coach. My family gets along well with her.

The problem is my new girlfriend. She moved from out of state 10 months ago to be with me. I love my girlfriend very much and she loves me, but she feels that my ex-wife's presence is weird, and it really upsets her.

Should I tell my parents that I don't think my ex-wife should come to family parties, or does my girlfriend need to accept that this is the way my life is -- and she's just going to have to deal with it? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE

DEAR CAUGHT: I see no reason to "fix" something that isn't broken. If your girlfriend wants a future with you, she'd be wise to back off a little.

You and your ex-wife are not making your son choose one of you over the other, and your girlfriend should be grateful that your ex isn't jealous of her and that everyone gets along. All divorces should be as amicable as yours.

CONFIDENTIAL TO 'POOR IN MONTANA': "Nowadays, we think of a philanthropist as someone who donates big sums of money, yet the word is derived from two Greek words, 'philos' (loving) and 'anthropos' (man): loving man. All of us are capable of being philanthropists. We can give of ourselves." -- Edward Lindsey

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have kept the enclosed column of yours for many years. It is yellowed and frayed at the edges, but it carries a strong message that many people are unable or unwilling to hear. Would you please print it again? -- GERTRUDE IN VERO BEACH

DEAR GERTRUDE: Here it is. Many people identify with its message. Read on:

LET ME GO

Pardon me, doctor, but may I die?

I know your oath requires you to try to keep me alive

So long as my body is warm and there is a breath of life.

But listen, Doc, I've buried my spouse,

My children are grown and on their own.

My friends are all gone, and I want to go, too.

No mortal man should keep me here

When the call from Him is unmistakably clear.

I DESERVE the right to slip quietly away.

My work is done and I am tired.

Your motives are noble, but now I pray,

You can read in my eyes what my lips can't say.

Listen to my heart and you'll hear it cry,

Pardon me, Doc, but may I die?

DEAR READERS: If people (of any age) are enjoying their lives and want to live, fine -- keep them comfortable and happy as possible, but those who can no longer find any joy in life should not be forced to go on living.

Before you or a loved one reach a critical stage of illness, a durable power of attorney for health care form (or whatever form is applicable for your state) should be filled out and placed in your medical records. Appropriate forms are available in most hospitals.

With this document you designate a family member or friend to carry out your wishes if you are unable to make medical decisions for yourself. The form tells physicians in advance whether you want them to perform "heroic measures" to keep you alive if you are in a coma and will never regain consciousness, or have no hope for a meaningful quality of life.

DEAR ABBY: My parents will be celebrating their 50th anniversary this month. I am interested in any ideas you might have to make the party unique. I have three small girls ages 7, 5 and 3 who might be able to do a small performance, etc. Any ideas? -- STUCK IN 2000

DEAR STUCK: Yes. The "girls" could sing, "Happy Anniversary to you" (three times in unison), take a bow, then smile sweetly, and leave the audience begging for more!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)