DEAR ABBY: I am a concerned parent. My daughter's best friend here in California has been writing and receiving mail from a prisoner in San Quentin. She is 14, and the young man she's corresponding with is 17. Worse yet, she wants to marry him. She had him living with her for two weeks last November when he got out of prison.

My husband learned the young man was breaking probation, and he was sent back to prison. How do you deal with teen-aged girls writing and visiting men in prison? -- CONCERNED PARENT IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR CONCERNED: Were I the girl's parent, I would have notified the warden at San Quentin that one of his "guests" was corresponding with an underage girl and I wanted it stopped! Frankly, I am shocked that the parents of your daughter's friend would allow such a living arrangement. A 14-year-old girl is too easily manipulated. Read on for a letter from a woman who was older -- and should have been wiser:

DEAR ABBY: Not long ago I began seeing a man who seemed to be the most caring, generous person. The relationship moved quickly, and we began to discuss moving in together. Friends expressed concern about the speed of events, but I felt it was love at first sight. This in itself was exciting, as I have always been a bit overweight and this nice-looking man was showing a great deal of interest in me.

A few things kept this from being absolutely perfect: He owned few possessions other than clothes, he was living with a relative at no cost, he didn't own a vehicle, he was having to spend quite a bit of time in court, and he drank a bit more than I normally felt comfortable with. He attributed all of this to his ex-fiance, who, he explained, had set him up on false charges. (I had offered to accompany him to court for moral support, but he didn't want me exposed to this "vicious woman.")

I believed him because what would this sweet man possibly have done to deserve any of what he had gone through? It also would have meant that I wasn't as desirable as I had been feeling lately.

Had someone told me what I heard for myself, I would never have believed him capable of such ruthlessness. One evening, I overheard him tell a "bar buddy" that he was looking at some serious jail time, and he needed someone to make deposits into his jail account and to visit him. He also commented that he didn't have a lot of time and he couldn't be as selective as he would like. I was devastated -- for what did that say about me?

I have been blessed with some very understanding friends and a great counselor. Let me share with you what I have found:

1. It says NOTHING about me. It says HE was a creep, the kind few of us can relate to or comprehend.

2. Quick involvement is a red flag for potential problems -- possibly even abuse.

3. Anyone can file a complaint against someone, but the police have to have a good reason to arrest someone on that complaint. With the person's name and birthdate, you can get information concerning that person's arrest record and, in most non-felony cases, you may even be able to get a police report. (I discovered that two of the incidents occurred while we were seeing each other, and one he even admitted to the police.)

This man chose me because of my lack of self-esteem. The most important thing people -- especially women -- need to work toward is knowing what we are worth and not accepting less. It will make us far less vulnerable to con men such as the one with whom I was involved. -- NICK OF TIME IN DENVER

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have a different kind of problem for you. My husband, "Bill," is a smoker, and I'm a nonsmoker. He knows that his habit is bad for him and has expressed his desire to quit on countless occasions. He has tried to quit a few times without success.

Here's my problem. My mother-in-law, "Mary" (also a smoker), gives Bill packs of cigarettes as gifts. I told Bill long ago that I understand his addiction (I used to smoke years ago), but that he should never ask me to buy cigarettes for him because I cannot in good conscience assist him in destroying his health.

I know that Mary is a grown woman and it is not my place to tell her what she can and cannot do for her only son, but I want to scream every time I see her handing Bill a pack of cigarettes and saying, "Here, Sweetie, I got these for you." I feel like I'm watching someone slowly kill him.

Yes, I realize that the ultimate responsibility lies with Bill because he's the one who lights the cigarettes and inhales the smoke, but what mental deficiency must Mary have to, in effect, kill her own son? Is there anything I can do to get her to stop giving him cigarettes? Bill would never ask her to stop because his take on the situation is that he's going to smoke anyway -- and cigarettes are expensive -- so she's doing us both a favor and saving us some money.

By the way, Mary is a serious control freak, and the last time Bill and I attempted to speak with her about something that was very important, she didn't speak to us for a year, which hurt Bill immeasurably. I don't want to have to deal with that again. Can you help? -- FRUSTRATED NONSMOKER IN L.A.

DEAR FRUSTRATED: It is hard to imagine parents doing something that is harmful to their children -- but every now and then we hear about ignorant people who feed alcohol to a small child, or minimize illicit drug use in teen-agers when they should be helping and educating them.

Bill's mother is a classic enabler. And your husband has somehow confused her feeding his addiction with showing love for him. Both of them are to be pitied.

Unfortunately, there is nothing I -- or you -- can do to help Bill overcome his addiction to tobacco. Only he can do that. And the first step is admitting he has an addiction he cannot control and seeking help from his doctor. There are medications available today that can help people overcome their nicotine addiction and ease the withdrawal for those who cannot face going "cold turkey." However, they are available by prescription only.

Unfortunately, there is no medication that can cure what is wrong with Bill's mother.

DEAR ABBY: One of my co-workers has a terrible habit -- she continually chews and cracks her gum. Abby, this is a professional office, not a truck stop. Not only does she look like a cow that's chewing her cud, the sound is extremely annoying. How can we get her to stop without offending her? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN SHERWOOD, ARK.

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: If the gum-cracker is not aware that she is offending others, you or one of her other co-workers should tell her privately in a friendly way. If she is aware and doesn't care, her supervisor should be told.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in the hope that it helps at least one woman from falling victim to the date-rape drug. I went to a nice party at an upscale hotel for the millennium celebration. My friend and I felt secure in those surroundings. I had a couple of drinks with my dinner. In the course of the evening, I met a couple of men. They bought me a drink and I drank it. Within a half-hour, I felt myself losing control. The room was blurred and my balance was off. For as few beverages as I had consumed, this was not right.

The man who had bought me the drink came to my table, seemed concerned and walked me to the restroom. Neither I nor my friend was alarmed at his kind offer, but I have no memory after that. No one knows where I went except those men.

I was found a couple of hours later in a taxicab. I did not know who I was or where I had been. The next eight hours, I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness. When I gained my bearings, I could tell that I had been violated.

I had to go through a humiliating examination at the doctor's office for STDs. As time passes, I will have to undergo more blood tests to check for HIV and hepatitis. I am trying not to feel ashamed -- but the shame is there.

I know no one deserves this, but I am beating myself up with self-doubt. With no memory, and days having passed, I have no legal course of action. Although I would recognize these men if I saw them again, I have no hard proof to accuse them of anything. I never thought this could happen to me.

Abby, please tell women out there it really can happen to them. NEVER accept a drink from a stranger and never allow a stranger to help you "walk off" a bad feeling. It is a hard lesson I wish I hadn't had to learn the hard way. -- VIOLATED IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS

DEAR VIOLATED: Your signature says it all. You have no reason to feel shame. You were naive and were victimized by a predator. If you have not already done so, call the Houston Area Women's Center. The toll-free number is (800) 256-0661. (They will refer sexual assault victims nationwide to local rape hotlines.) The operators there can help you deal with the emotions you are experiencing. They can also tell you whether or not it would be worthwhile to discuss what happened to you with the police. Having gotten away with this crime, it is entirely possible that the two men who drugged you will assault another victim. Having your report on file could be very helpful.

P.S. This is the second letter I have received in the last two months from the victim of a date-rape drug, and the implications are disturbing.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine got married a year and a half ago. She has a 9-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old stepdaughter from the marriage. Her stepdaughter does not live in their home. I believe they have visitation one day a weekend or every other weekend.

When sending Christmas gifts or birthday party invitations to her biological daughter, should the same be done for her stepdaughter -- even if some of her friends have not met her stepdaughter yet because of her infrequent visitation? -- INSULT-WARY IN NEW HAMPSHREI

DEAR INSULT-WARY: Although the younger girl's friends have not yet met the new stepsister, it would be a kindness to include her. If she's uncomfortable about attending, she can always refuse.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)