DEAR ABBY: I am writing this in the hope that it helps at least one woman from falling victim to the date-rape drug. I went to a nice party at an upscale hotel for the millennium celebration. My friend and I felt secure in those surroundings. I had a couple of drinks with my dinner. In the course of the evening, I met a couple of men. They bought me a drink and I drank it. Within a half-hour, I felt myself losing control. The room was blurred and my balance was off. For as few beverages as I had consumed, this was not right.

The man who had bought me the drink came to my table, seemed concerned and walked me to the restroom. Neither I nor my friend was alarmed at his kind offer, but I have no memory after that. No one knows where I went except those men.

I was found a couple of hours later in a taxicab. I did not know who I was or where I had been. The next eight hours, I could feel myself fading in and out of consciousness. When I gained my bearings, I could tell that I had been violated.

I had to go through a humiliating examination at the doctor's office for STDs. As time passes, I will have to undergo more blood tests to check for HIV and hepatitis. I am trying not to feel ashamed -- but the shame is there.

I know no one deserves this, but I am beating myself up with self-doubt. With no memory, and days having passed, I have no legal course of action. Although I would recognize these men if I saw them again, I have no hard proof to accuse them of anything. I never thought this could happen to me.

Abby, please tell women out there it really can happen to them. NEVER accept a drink from a stranger and never allow a stranger to help you "walk off" a bad feeling. It is a hard lesson I wish I hadn't had to learn the hard way. -- VIOLATED IN GRAND PRAIRIE, TEXAS

DEAR VIOLATED: Your signature says it all. You have no reason to feel shame. You were naive and were victimized by a predator. If you have not already done so, call the Houston Area Women's Center. The toll-free number is (800) 256-0661. (They will refer sexual assault victims nationwide to local rape hotlines.) The operators there can help you deal with the emotions you are experiencing. They can also tell you whether or not it would be worthwhile to discuss what happened to you with the police. Having gotten away with this crime, it is entirely possible that the two men who drugged you will assault another victim. Having your report on file could be very helpful.

P.S. This is the second letter I have received in the last two months from the victim of a date-rape drug, and the implications are disturbing.

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine got married a year and a half ago. She has a 9-year-old daughter and a 12-year-old stepdaughter from the marriage. Her stepdaughter does not live in their home. I believe they have visitation one day a weekend or every other weekend.

When sending Christmas gifts or birthday party invitations to her biological daughter, should the same be done for her stepdaughter -- even if some of her friends have not met her stepdaughter yet because of her infrequent visitation? -- INSULT-WARY IN NEW HAMPSHREI

DEAR INSULT-WARY: Although the younger girl's friends have not yet met the new stepsister, it would be a kindness to include her. If she's uncomfortable about attending, she can always refuse.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: When I read your list of "15 Reasons to Leave Your Lover, Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality," my jaw dropped. My heart began to race and my stomach did flip-flops. My boyfriend isn't the one who fits so many of the characteristics on the list -- I am!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. The first three or four months, I was an angel. Then slowly I began to change. It started with one incident every few weeks, then once a week, and now it happens almost every day.

I interrogate my man about where he has been, who was there, and how long the conversations went on. When things don't go the way I think they should, I blame him and call him mean and hateful names. I criticize him for things over which he has no control and curse at him. I have actually kicked him while he was asleep so he'd wake up and I could finish giving him a verbal bashing. I have threatened to kill him -- and that's not right. One minute I'm sweet and loving, then he says something that sets me off and I'm on a tirade, cursing and yelling.

Sometimes, when we aren't fighting, I look into his eyes and see the pain I've caused over the last few months and I feel awful.

So, Abby, I want to thank you. I am going to get help immediately! The next time you print that list, remember that women aren't always on the receiving end. My boyfriend has been nothing but good to me, and no one deserves the treatment I have given him. That article opened my eyes. Thanks, Abby. -- A NEW LEAF IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEW LEAF: I'm pleased that the "15 Reasons" provided a mirror in which you saw yourself. I'm even more pleased that the column gave you the push you needed to seek professional help.

With guidance and a sincere desire to deal with your anger, insecurity and need to control, you will conquer the problem and ensure a safer environment for the people you love and who love you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sensitive problem I don't know how to handle. I have a sister-in-law I would do anything for. I love her as I would a sister. She is my best friend, but her husband is a total jerk. He has been making advances toward me and saying things like, "I wish you were mine," and, "A lot of women think I'm great and would be happy to have me."

My sister-in-law invites me to their house frequently, and I am constantly turning her down because of the jerk she's married to. Instead, I suggest that we meet somewhere and have dinner or coffee because I don't want to hurt her in any way.

I want to tell her what a cheat her husband is, but I'm afraid of hurting her and our relationship. There's no telling how many women he has made advances to, or how many may have taken him up on it.

What can I do? I love her and don't want to cause her pain, but she needs to know what her husband is up to. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The next time your sister-in-law's husband makes advances, tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in anything he has to offer, and if it happens again you will tell his wife. If that doesn't stop him, tell her everything and don't mince words.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When my father was in the hospital for cancer treatment (surgery and chemotherapy), a doctor examined my father's surgical wound without first washing his hands. When I asked the doctor to please wash his hands, he appeared angry. After that incident, my mother was afraid to ask anyone to wash his or her hands before attending to my father, because she wanted them to be nice to him. We were at their mercy.

I have seen doctors, nurses, technicians and other hospital personnel come into a patient's room and either not wash their hands, or simply run water over their hands before attending to a patient. I have also seen some people come into a patient's room with a cold.

In an article in the Annals of Internal Medicine (Jan. 19, 1999), a study showed that not only do health-care workers wash their hands less frequently than they should, but they do not wash them for even 10 seconds -- even though most protocols require 30 seconds of hand-washing. Studies have shown that washing hands for less than 10 to 15 seconds has limited effectiveness. Hands must be washed before putting on gloves, for just putting on gloves does not protect patients well enough.

An article in The New York Times (Nov. 9, 1999) reported that a study at Duke University found that only 17 percent of physicians treating patients in intensive care units washed their hands appropriately. The Times went on to report that, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 5 percent of the people admitted to hospitals, about 1.8 million patients a year, will pick up an infection there, and 20,000 of them will die as a direct result. By contrast, 17,171 Americans died of AIDS in 1998. Hospital-acquired infections will contribute to the deaths of 70,000 more people.

Abby, this is a serious problem. Please help patients and their families speak up when they see a health-care worker failing to wash his or her hands properly. Also, please urge doctors, nurses and other health-care workers to do the right thing and wash their hands with soap for 30 seconds before touching a patient. -- DAUGHTER OF A PATIENT

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your letter is shocking, and I'm pleased to help spread the message. The Mayo Clinic, the world-renowned medical mecca in Minnesota, has sponsored "Infection Awareness Week" programs. Perhaps it's time other hospitals followed suit. Part of the campaign included prominently displaying posters along the corridors of the Mayo hospital complex that depicted a pair of hands under the terse message: "THE 10 MOST COMMON CAUSES OF INFECTION."

Doctors, nurses and other employees of the Mayo Clinic were reminded to wash their hands frequently by other posters bearing a catchy slogan: "A milligram of hand-washing is worth a kilogram of antibiotics."

I urge anyone who encounters a medical professional who fails to adhere to recommended hygiene practices to speak up about it and to report it to the hospital administrator in writing. I am told that instead of hand-washing, some institutions use alcohol-based hand rises and gels containing softeners that remove bacteria and are less irritating or drying to the hands.

Proper hygienic practices are an essential part of high-quality medical care. No one should settle for less.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)