DEAR ABBY: When I read your list of "15 Reasons to Leave Your Lover, Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality," my jaw dropped. My heart began to race and my stomach did flip-flops. My boyfriend isn't the one who fits so many of the characteristics on the list -- I am!

My boyfriend and I have been dating for nine months. The first three or four months, I was an angel. Then slowly I began to change. It started with one incident every few weeks, then once a week, and now it happens almost every day.

I interrogate my man about where he has been, who was there, and how long the conversations went on. When things don't go the way I think they should, I blame him and call him mean and hateful names. I criticize him for things over which he has no control and curse at him. I have actually kicked him while he was asleep so he'd wake up and I could finish giving him a verbal bashing. I have threatened to kill him -- and that's not right. One minute I'm sweet and loving, then he says something that sets me off and I'm on a tirade, cursing and yelling.

Sometimes, when we aren't fighting, I look into his eyes and see the pain I've caused over the last few months and I feel awful.

So, Abby, I want to thank you. I am going to get help immediately! The next time you print that list, remember that women aren't always on the receiving end. My boyfriend has been nothing but good to me, and no one deserves the treatment I have given him. That article opened my eyes. Thanks, Abby. -- A NEW LEAF IN GEORGIA

DEAR NEW LEAF: I'm pleased that the "15 Reasons" provided a mirror in which you saw yourself. I'm even more pleased that the column gave you the push you needed to seek professional help.

With guidance and a sincere desire to deal with your anger, insecurity and need to control, you will conquer the problem and ensure a safer environment for the people you love and who love you.

DEAR ABBY: I have a sensitive problem I don't know how to handle. I have a sister-in-law I would do anything for. I love her as I would a sister. She is my best friend, but her husband is a total jerk. He has been making advances toward me and saying things like, "I wish you were mine," and, "A lot of women think I'm great and would be happy to have me."

My sister-in-law invites me to their house frequently, and I am constantly turning her down because of the jerk she's married to. Instead, I suggest that we meet somewhere and have dinner or coffee because I don't want to hurt her in any way.

I want to tell her what a cheat her husband is, but I'm afraid of hurting her and our relationship. There's no telling how many women he has made advances to, or how many may have taken him up on it.

What can I do? I love her and don't want to cause her pain, but she needs to know what her husband is up to. -- FRUSTRATED IN TEXAS

DEAR FRUSTRATED: The next time your sister-in-law's husband makes advances, tell him in no uncertain terms that you are not interested in anything he has to offer, and if it happens again you will tell his wife. If that doesn't stop him, tell her everything and don't mince words.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When my father was in the hospital for cancer treatment (surgery and chemotherapy), a doctor examined my father's surgical wound without first washing his hands. When I asked the doctor to please wash his hands, he appeared angry. After that incident, my mother was afraid to ask anyone to wash his or her hands before attending to my father, because she wanted them to be nice to him. We were at their mercy.

I have seen doctors, nurses, technicians and other hospital personnel come into a patient's room and either not wash their hands, or simply run water over their hands before attending to a patient. I have also seen some people come into a patient's room with a cold.

In an article in the Annals of Internal Medicine (Jan. 19, 1999), a study showed that not only do health-care workers wash their hands less frequently than they should, but they do not wash them for even 10 seconds -- even though most protocols require 30 seconds of hand-washing. Studies have shown that washing hands for less than 10 to 15 seconds has limited effectiveness. Hands must be washed before putting on gloves, for just putting on gloves does not protect patients well enough.

An article in The New York Times (Nov. 9, 1999) reported that a study at Duke University found that only 17 percent of physicians treating patients in intensive care units washed their hands appropriately. The Times went on to report that, according to the Centers for Disease Control and Prevention, 5 percent of the people admitted to hospitals, about 1.8 million patients a year, will pick up an infection there, and 20,000 of them will die as a direct result. By contrast, 17,171 Americans died of AIDS in 1998. Hospital-acquired infections will contribute to the deaths of 70,000 more people.

Abby, this is a serious problem. Please help patients and their families speak up when they see a health-care worker failing to wash his or her hands properly. Also, please urge doctors, nurses and other health-care workers to do the right thing and wash their hands with soap for 30 seconds before touching a patient. -- DAUGHTER OF A PATIENT

DEAR DAUGHTER: Your letter is shocking, and I'm pleased to help spread the message. The Mayo Clinic, the world-renowned medical mecca in Minnesota, has sponsored "Infection Awareness Week" programs. Perhaps it's time other hospitals followed suit. Part of the campaign included prominently displaying posters along the corridors of the Mayo hospital complex that depicted a pair of hands under the terse message: "THE 10 MOST COMMON CAUSES OF INFECTION."

Doctors, nurses and other employees of the Mayo Clinic were reminded to wash their hands frequently by other posters bearing a catchy slogan: "A milligram of hand-washing is worth a kilogram of antibiotics."

I urge anyone who encounters a medical professional who fails to adhere to recommended hygiene practices to speak up about it and to report it to the hospital administrator in writing. I am told that instead of hand-washing, some institutions use alcohol-based hand rises and gels containing softeners that remove bacteria and are less irritating or drying to the hands.

Proper hygienic practices are an essential part of high-quality medical care. No one should settle for less.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a first-time mother of a beautiful 18-month-old son. My mother is crazy about being a grandma and begs me to come for extended visits so she can get to know her grandson. I just returned from a week's visit -- and I am exhausted. Why? Because Mother refuses to "baby-proof" her house for our visits, so I spend all my time watching my son to ensure that he doesn't break something valuable, or get into the bleach under the kitchen sink.

Every baby book you buy stresses the importance of baby-proofing during the toddler years, so here are a few suggestions I have for grandparents who want their grandchildren to have a safe visit:

1. Move all cleaning supplies, cosmetics and room deodorizers UP to a high shelf or cupboard.

2. Invest in outlet covers and drawer and cupboard locks. They are inexpensive and easy to remove after visits.

3. Put away all hard candies, coins, glass-framed photos, candles, and anything of sentimental value before your grandchild arrives.

4. Plants, animal litter boxes, pet food, detergents and caustic chemicals should be out of reach and out of sight.

5. Sharp-edged furniture, such as coffee tables or end tables, should have easily installed corner protectors applied, or should be turned on their sides during visits.

One of my girlfriends told me that when she's coming for a visit, her mother buys diapers, baby wipes and appropriate baby food. She also has bibs, baby cups and spoons on hand. She even buys age-appropriate toys to keep at her house so her granddaughter has special toys to look forward to playing with during the visit.

In most cases, it's been about 20 years since these grandparents have been around babies. I think if they would read a current baby/toddler book, they would be surprised to learn about the new information available. -- BENT OUT OF SHAPE IN BEND, ORE.

DEAR BENT IN BEND: Your suggestions for grandparents seem sensible to me, and worth sharing with any new grandparent who might be out of touch. Since your mother seems to fall into that category, send her a book on baby/toddler child care as a gift. It could save her, you and your son a lot of stress or even an unfortunate accident.

DEAR ABBY: While on a whitewater rafting trip, I was rescued from drowning by a man in a kayak, and I can't stop thinking about him. I am happily married, but am worried that I have "fallen in love" with the man who saved my life.

The man not only pulled me out of the water, he held my hand and kept eye contact for 15 minutes while I was in shock. He took care of me until I felt safe again.

I sent him a four-page thank-you letter. Now I watch the mailbox, waiting for a reply. What can I do to close this matter? Have I fallen in love with "my hero"? -- GRATEFUL SURVIVOR

DEAR GRATEFUL: You are confusing gratitude with love, and ordinarily people do not respond to letters of thanks.

Think of the experience this way: The man saved your life so you and your husband can enjoy many more years of happily married life together.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)