DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I stay at a bed-and-breakfast inn, the price is exorbitant -- $250 a night. I feel we should not have to leave a tip. They are well paid. My husband says we are obligated to leave a tip, despite the price of the stay. Is that true?

Also, is it rude not to tip the owner of a hair salon when she is your hairdresser and charges a lot, too? -- "B" IN TERRYVILLE, CONN.

DEAR "B": According to Letitia Baldrige, some owners of beauty salons charge more for their services than the hairdressers they employ. Because of that, not all of them expect (or accept) tips from their clients. However, the best way to determine how your hairdresser feels about the practice of tipping would be to come right out and ask her.

People who run bed-and-breakfast establishments usually employ a cleaning staff and pay the going rate -- which is minimum wage. Therefore, your husband is correct. The considerate thing to do is to leave a few dollars on your pillow as a gratuity for the chambermaid.

DEAR ABBY: My father passed away last June. My dear mother died in 1965, when I was at the tender age of 10. My father remarried after I graduated from high school; he was 63 and my stepmother was 38. I am the youngest of the four children from my mother. The only thing we have now are our memories.

I am writing because my stepmother had her name placed on the headstone that is inscribed with my mother's and father's names. She had my father placed to the left of the headstone so she would be buried between my mother and him! Our family is outraged over this. We feel it is inappropriate.

There are plots on each side and behind, yet she made them move my father over. I can understand her wanting to be buried next to him, but I feel it is extremely poor taste to add her name to my parents' headstone. What do you think about this, and should we say something to her? -- OUTRAGED IN THE SOUTH

DEAR OUTRAGED: You can certainly say something to your stepmother, but I doubt that anything you can say will "move" her. If she was concerned about the feelings of her husband's children, she'd have selected a plot on the side opposite your mother and left him in the middle.

DEAR ABBY: I read the complimentary letter from Karl Southward to the head of sanitation for the city of Dallas. Why would you want to FILE a letter such as that? My suggestion would be to FRAME THAT LETTER and display it on a wall the majority of workers pass, so they can continually be reminded that a compliment was passed on to them.

I might even go a step further and photocopy the letter and insert it with each employee's paycheck, adding a note saying, "Good job, everyone." You'd be amazed how the morale of the employees would pick up.

I personally send complimentary letters. It's part of my daily "Practice Random Acts of Kindness" mission. Kudos to Karl Southward from Nemo, Texas, for his random act of kindness. -- ANITA PARKS, LIVERPOOL, N.Y.

DEAR ANITA: Your suggestions are terrific, and I'm sure they would be powerful motivators. As someone who believes firmly in the "Random Acts of Kindness" mission, I salute both Karl Southward and YOU as well!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Here we go again. Besides being disrespectful, could it be construed as sexual harassment when a business establishment that caters to men and women hangs a calendar depicting nude or almost nude women in a conspicuous place?

My husband has one of those calendars in his office in a white-collar business that is patronized by male and female clients.

When I or my daughter, adult sons, grandson or granddaughters go to an auto repair shop, gas station or tire shop that displays girlie calendars, I am embarrassed and offended. My company has seminars regarding sexual harassment, and we are informed that this is a form of it. I do not allow it in my office. It is disrespectful, and I don't want to be part of a lawsuit.

Please don't get me wrong, Abby. There is nothing wrong with nudity -- it just doesn't belong in a public place. -- OFFENDED IN PALATINE, ILL.

DEAR OFFENDED: It may be in poor taste, but it is not against the law. As a member of the public, you are free to take your business elsewhere if the "calendar art" offends you. However, if you had to WORK in that environment, and if there was also demeaning conduct that was severe and pervasive, it might be considered sexual harassment.

DEAR ABBY: Yesterday my husband had surgery to remove a lump. The doctor prepared us for the worst, indicating that it might be cancer. My husband told only close family members and a few friends about his condition.

His sister, "Winifred," traveled 150 miles to come to the hospital, even though she was told there was no need for her to be there. I was very upset with her presence. I wanted some private time with my husband in the pre-op room, but within minutes, Winifred ushered herself in. I became upset and told her so. However, she refused to go back to the public waiting room.

While in the waiting room, during my husband's surgery, Winifred asked me if I would like to "talk about" the way I was acting. I told her I had wanted private time with my husband. She said I was selfish, that she is dearly fond of her brother. Abby, in the nine years we've owned our home, I can count on one hand the number of times Winifred has visited us. For the past year she has lived only 150 miles away.

Winifred has three children and a granddaughter to go home to, but what would my son and I have if my husband didn't make it? She would have lost her brother, but our lives would be drastically changed.

Fortunately, my husband does not have cancer. Do you think I was selfish requesting private time with my husband? -- BELIEVES IN THE RIGHT TO PRIVACY

DEAR BELIEVES: Your sister-in-law was frightened over the possibility of losing her brother, and probably felt guilty for not visiting him more in the past. Although you were understandably upset, you could have acted with a little more sensitivity. She is your husband's sister, not a stranger.

She, too, could have been more sensitive to your request, and left you and your husband alone after making her presence known.

Since your husband appears to be healthy and the crisis is past, I urge you to bury the anger and resentment you feel toward each other and try to become a closer family. Everyone will benefit.

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DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is retired with a good pension. He is the primary caregiver for his wife, who is paralyzed on one side and unable to carry on a conversation. She is getting worse and is practically confined to bed. He refuses outside help and is very controlling.

While she was in the rehab center shortly after her accident, she was progressing well. She was even up on parallel bars. The only thing she does now is feed herself. She's incontinent and totally dependent.

No one in the family is willing to step in on her behalf to get the proper care she deserves. They are all afraid of her husband, and say it is up to him. It is painful for me to watch this happening. I am partially disabled myself and unable to do what I used to. How -- and where -- could I find resources to give this woman some quality of life? She's only 64. -- CONCERNED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CONCERNED: You are a caring relative who has raised an interesting, but delicate, question. From your description, both your father-in-law and his wife could use some assistance.

One way to go about it without causing World War III would be for you and your wife to contact their family physician and explain what's going on. Ask for a referral to a social worker or home health-care agency that can visit her and evaluate the care she is receiving.

Considering the level of care his wife requires, your father-in-law may be overwhelmed as the primary caregiver. He needs help, too, but his pride may be getting in the way. Perhaps the doctor can recommend that he attend a caregiver support group where he can learn firsthand what other caregivers do in similar situations. It is vital that he receive emotional support. If the doctor can't help, the social services office at your local hospital can provide a referral.

DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed regarding the wedding lottery invitation reminded me of the telephone call I received from the mother of the groom.

She informed me there was to be no shower for the bride. The bride and her mother were going shopping for the things the bride would need for her new home. Every item was to be gift-wrapped individually, and the name of the "donor" was to be written on each package.

Although I had already given the couple a generous engagement gift, I was "invited" to send a check to pay for "my" shower gift.

Incredulous, and thinking I had misunderstood, I asked the woman to repeat the request. Then I said a quiet goodbye. -- NO DUMMY IN N.Y.C.

DEAR NO DUMMY: Just when I think I have seen everything, along comes another "believe it or not" letter. You weren't being invited to a shower; you were being solicited for a fund-raiser. Therefore, you were within your rights to handle it as you would any other telemarketing call.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)