DEAR ABBY: My father-in-law is retired with a good pension. He is the primary caregiver for his wife, who is paralyzed on one side and unable to carry on a conversation. She is getting worse and is practically confined to bed. He refuses outside help and is very controlling.

While she was in the rehab center shortly after her accident, she was progressing well. She was even up on parallel bars. The only thing she does now is feed herself. She's incontinent and totally dependent.

No one in the family is willing to step in on her behalf to get the proper care she deserves. They are all afraid of her husband, and say it is up to him. It is painful for me to watch this happening. I am partially disabled myself and unable to do what I used to. How -- and where -- could I find resources to give this woman some quality of life? She's only 64. -- CONCERNED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR CONCERNED: You are a caring relative who has raised an interesting, but delicate, question. From your description, both your father-in-law and his wife could use some assistance.

One way to go about it without causing World War III would be for you and your wife to contact their family physician and explain what's going on. Ask for a referral to a social worker or home health-care agency that can visit her and evaluate the care she is receiving.

Considering the level of care his wife requires, your father-in-law may be overwhelmed as the primary caregiver. He needs help, too, but his pride may be getting in the way. Perhaps the doctor can recommend that he attend a caregiver support group where he can learn firsthand what other caregivers do in similar situations. It is vital that he receive emotional support. If the doctor can't help, the social services office at your local hospital can provide a referral.

DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed regarding the wedding lottery invitation reminded me of the telephone call I received from the mother of the groom.

She informed me there was to be no shower for the bride. The bride and her mother were going shopping for the things the bride would need for her new home. Every item was to be gift-wrapped individually, and the name of the "donor" was to be written on each package.

Although I had already given the couple a generous engagement gift, I was "invited" to send a check to pay for "my" shower gift.

Incredulous, and thinking I had misunderstood, I asked the woman to repeat the request. Then I said a quiet goodbye. -- NO DUMMY IN N.Y.C.

DEAR NO DUMMY: Just when I think I have seen everything, along comes another "believe it or not" letter. You weren't being invited to a shower; you were being solicited for a fund-raiser. Therefore, you were within your rights to handle it as you would any other telemarketing call.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 34 years. We are both 53. For the last few years, our marriage has been strained, but we have never cheated on each other that I'm aware of.

Now my husband is doing something I'm afraid spells trouble. A few months ago he started "helping" his female hairdresser learn how to use her computer at her house, which is close to ours. Then he decided he should "help her" buy a printer by taking the weekly sales ads from the Sunday paper to her house every Monday night. I knew nothing about it for the first couple of months. It just "slipped out" one night.

I thought he was working a lot of overtime on Mondays, and now he's consistently two hours late -- but only on Monday nights.

When I told my husband I thought seeing her could lead to something more than business, he agreed. But he swears he only wants to help her because he admires her for raising her 10-year-old son alone, and she needs his help. He estimates it might take one and a half to two years to find her the right printer.

I say that's hogwash. I doubt that she's even looking -- for a printer, that is. I think she's looking for a man, because she has no boyfriend and is very short on money.

I don't want to push him into doing anything if this is innocent, but I also don't want to be a fool and get dumped in the end. I have stuck with this marriage through a lot of turmoil, and I think I deserve some loyalty. What do you think I should do? -- FAITHFUL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FAITHFUL: Pay attention to your intuition. Finding a reliable, reasonably priced printer is as easy as visiting the library and checking out Consumer Reports. At most, it should take a couple of hours. That's a far cry from a year and a half.

I urge you to do the following: Seek the advice of an attorney who specializes in family law. It's important that you know what the laws are in your state that affect the division of family assets. If your husband is in business for himself, you may also need the advice of an accountant. If he's having an affair -- and I'm willing to bet he is -- he may have already started hiding money that belongs to both of you.

If you don't have your own credit rating, establish one now. You may need it. Begin upgrading your job skills and prepare a resume in case you have to find a job.

Then give your husband an ultimatum -- because you do deserve some loyalty, and you shouldn't have to share your husband with his hairdresser or any other woman.

DEAR ABBY: As a retired nurse, I think someone needs to correct the stereotyping of elderly people as complainers. There is a fine line between complaining and explaining.

The elderly in our society are, generally, people who have been hard workers most of their lives and, in my experience with them, are mostly embarrassed by their limitations. Also, families need to know the health history of their elders.

The next time Mom or Dad or Uncle Charlie seems to be complaining, listen up! You may be hearing something you'll need to know someday. -- BEA HYVARE, R.N., FRIDLEY, MINN.

DEAR BEA: You could be right. However, if a relative complained repeatedly to me about the same ailments, my first response would be: "Does your doctor know how you've been feeling? What did he (or she) have to say about it?"

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you so much for reprinting the "15 Reasons to Leave Your Lover, Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality."

I never thought I'd become involved in an abusive relationship. I'm in my mid-40s, female, with a graduate degree in education, a degree in psychology, and lots of professional experience with other people's problems.

I became involved with "Phil" at the age of 41 and was swept off my feet. We were engaged a month after we met, and he seemed to be everything I could have hoped for in a mate -- attentive, kind, eager to please. Looking back, I see there were some early signs of the darker side of his personality, but at that time I dismissed them, thinking "nobody's perfect."

Real problems started about nine or 10 months into the relationship. He became verbally abusive and increasingly obnoxious, flying into a rage for no good reason, constantly talking about violence and guns, and making horrible racist remarks. Nothing I did or said was right, and he started degrading me. We broke up once and got back together. I was in a constant state of confusion, always thinking I was contributing to the problem. Well, I was -- by staying in the relationship, enabling his abnormal behavior. Looking at the "15 Reasons," in his situation a solid 10 of the 15 fit, with two or three others fitting more loosely.

I finally left when he obsessively fixed on the subject of guys who kill their girlfriends. He couldn't understand why I was scared because he was "just joking," and I was "crazy" to react.

It has been two months since our breakup, and I feel so lucky to be out of it, although my self-esteem needs a lot of healing. Thank you for printing the "15 Reasons" -- they may help many women avoid a horrible experience. -- OLDER AND WISER IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR O AND W: You are to be congratulated for having distanced yourself from your former fiance. His problems were not the kind you could fix -- and his sense of humor was a natural disaster.

In fairness, however, not all abusers are male. The "15 Reasons" can apply equally to both sexes. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who was formerly gentle, good-tempered and had many friends. He is now lacking all those traits. His live-in girlfriend beats him, isolates him and harasses him in front of her children. Her youngest son -- age 12 -- says his mom always starts a fight, and I have seen her do it. However, my son is crazy about her children.

Because the piece was not gender-neutral, I cannot send it to him. Women are also abusers these days. It's not just men anymore. And both are bad.

I'm writing to ask that when you reprint the article, you please use gender-neutral language instead of pinpointing one sex or the other. I'm sure I won't be the only reader who will appreciate it. -- WORRIED MOTHER IN OREGON

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: In the future I will, but please don't wait for the "15 Reasons" to be printed again. Clip this column and give it to him with the previous column. He needs to understand that his companion's behavior is an indication of deep-seated personality problems that cannot be fixed without professional help and a sincere desire on her part to put an end to her destructive behavior.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)