DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married 34 years. We are both 53. For the last few years, our marriage has been strained, but we have never cheated on each other that I'm aware of.

Now my husband is doing something I'm afraid spells trouble. A few months ago he started "helping" his female hairdresser learn how to use her computer at her house, which is close to ours. Then he decided he should "help her" buy a printer by taking the weekly sales ads from the Sunday paper to her house every Monday night. I knew nothing about it for the first couple of months. It just "slipped out" one night.

I thought he was working a lot of overtime on Mondays, and now he's consistently two hours late -- but only on Monday nights.

When I told my husband I thought seeing her could lead to something more than business, he agreed. But he swears he only wants to help her because he admires her for raising her 10-year-old son alone, and she needs his help. He estimates it might take one and a half to two years to find her the right printer.

I say that's hogwash. I doubt that she's even looking -- for a printer, that is. I think she's looking for a man, because she has no boyfriend and is very short on money.

I don't want to push him into doing anything if this is innocent, but I also don't want to be a fool and get dumped in the end. I have stuck with this marriage through a lot of turmoil, and I think I deserve some loyalty. What do you think I should do? -- FAITHFUL IN WASHINGTON

DEAR FAITHFUL: Pay attention to your intuition. Finding a reliable, reasonably priced printer is as easy as visiting the library and checking out Consumer Reports. At most, it should take a couple of hours. That's a far cry from a year and a half.

I urge you to do the following: Seek the advice of an attorney who specializes in family law. It's important that you know what the laws are in your state that affect the division of family assets. If your husband is in business for himself, you may also need the advice of an accountant. If he's having an affair -- and I'm willing to bet he is -- he may have already started hiding money that belongs to both of you.

If you don't have your own credit rating, establish one now. You may need it. Begin upgrading your job skills and prepare a resume in case you have to find a job.

Then give your husband an ultimatum -- because you do deserve some loyalty, and you shouldn't have to share your husband with his hairdresser or any other woman.

DEAR ABBY: As a retired nurse, I think someone needs to correct the stereotyping of elderly people as complainers. There is a fine line between complaining and explaining.

The elderly in our society are, generally, people who have been hard workers most of their lives and, in my experience with them, are mostly embarrassed by their limitations. Also, families need to know the health history of their elders.

The next time Mom or Dad or Uncle Charlie seems to be complaining, listen up! You may be hearing something you'll need to know someday. -- BEA HYVARE, R.N., FRIDLEY, MINN.

DEAR BEA: You could be right. However, if a relative complained repeatedly to me about the same ailments, my first response would be: "Does your doctor know how you've been feeling? What did he (or she) have to say about it?"

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Thank you so much for reprinting the "15 Reasons to Leave Your Lover, Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality."

I never thought I'd become involved in an abusive relationship. I'm in my mid-40s, female, with a graduate degree in education, a degree in psychology, and lots of professional experience with other people's problems.

I became involved with "Phil" at the age of 41 and was swept off my feet. We were engaged a month after we met, and he seemed to be everything I could have hoped for in a mate -- attentive, kind, eager to please. Looking back, I see there were some early signs of the darker side of his personality, but at that time I dismissed them, thinking "nobody's perfect."

Real problems started about nine or 10 months into the relationship. He became verbally abusive and increasingly obnoxious, flying into a rage for no good reason, constantly talking about violence and guns, and making horrible racist remarks. Nothing I did or said was right, and he started degrading me. We broke up once and got back together. I was in a constant state of confusion, always thinking I was contributing to the problem. Well, I was -- by staying in the relationship, enabling his abnormal behavior. Looking at the "15 Reasons," in his situation a solid 10 of the 15 fit, with two or three others fitting more loosely.

I finally left when he obsessively fixed on the subject of guys who kill their girlfriends. He couldn't understand why I was scared because he was "just joking," and I was "crazy" to react.

It has been two months since our breakup, and I feel so lucky to be out of it, although my self-esteem needs a lot of healing. Thank you for printing the "15 Reasons" -- they may help many women avoid a horrible experience. -- OLDER AND WISER IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR O AND W: You are to be congratulated for having distanced yourself from your former fiance. His problems were not the kind you could fix -- and his sense of humor was a natural disaster.

In fairness, however, not all abusers are male. The "15 Reasons" can apply equally to both sexes. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who was formerly gentle, good-tempered and had many friends. He is now lacking all those traits. His live-in girlfriend beats him, isolates him and harasses him in front of her children. Her youngest son -- age 12 -- says his mom always starts a fight, and I have seen her do it. However, my son is crazy about her children.

Because the piece was not gender-neutral, I cannot send it to him. Women are also abusers these days. It's not just men anymore. And both are bad.

I'm writing to ask that when you reprint the article, you please use gender-neutral language instead of pinpointing one sex or the other. I'm sure I won't be the only reader who will appreciate it. -- WORRIED MOTHER IN OREGON

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: In the future I will, but please don't wait for the "15 Reasons" to be printed again. Clip this column and give it to him with the previous column. He needs to understand that his companion's behavior is an indication of deep-seated personality problems that cannot be fixed without professional help and a sincere desire on her part to put an end to her destructive behavior.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: It's Valentine's Day already! And what better time to revive my Ten Commandments of Love.

Yes, dear readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. However, it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers. One of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself -- at least that's what the Good Book says.

Originally, I wrote two sets of commandments -- one for men and one for women. Then Mandy Stellman, a lawyer from Milwaukee, pointed out that one set of commandments should apply to both men and women. She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender-bender?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE

-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter -- your mate is your lifelong companion.

-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.

-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.

-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.

-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.

-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true to him or her, and forsake all others.

-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your spouse. The most precious gift you can give is time.

-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).

-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?

-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up to bless you.

Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)

Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch, run some errands for you or give you a ride."

Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking -- watch where you're going.

And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: A month ago I broke up with my boyfriend, "Adam." We had been dating about six months. During the last month of our relationship, his car broke down, so I lent him my spare car. Last night when I called him, I found out that he had resumed his relationship with his former girlfriend. I told him I wanted my car back immediately, and I felt it was disrespectful of him to have kept my car. When he decided to go back with her, he should have returned it.

Who does he think he is, anyway -- driving one girl's car while sleeping with another? He thinks I am wrong for saying he disrespected me. What do you think? -- STEWING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STEWING: The honorable thing would have been for him to have returned your car when he felt his relationship with you was over. However, you put him in the driver's seat and he enjoyed the freedom your wheels provided, so he felt no guilt in steering the vehicle in a different direction. You're lucky to be rid of him with only a little more mileage on your car.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)