DEAR ABBY: Thank you so much for reprinting the "15 Reasons to Leave Your Lover, Warning Signs of an Abusive Personality."

I never thought I'd become involved in an abusive relationship. I'm in my mid-40s, female, with a graduate degree in education, a degree in psychology, and lots of professional experience with other people's problems.

I became involved with "Phil" at the age of 41 and was swept off my feet. We were engaged a month after we met, and he seemed to be everything I could have hoped for in a mate -- attentive, kind, eager to please. Looking back, I see there were some early signs of the darker side of his personality, but at that time I dismissed them, thinking "nobody's perfect."

Real problems started about nine or 10 months into the relationship. He became verbally abusive and increasingly obnoxious, flying into a rage for no good reason, constantly talking about violence and guns, and making horrible racist remarks. Nothing I did or said was right, and he started degrading me. We broke up once and got back together. I was in a constant state of confusion, always thinking I was contributing to the problem. Well, I was -- by staying in the relationship, enabling his abnormal behavior. Looking at the "15 Reasons," in his situation a solid 10 of the 15 fit, with two or three others fitting more loosely.

I finally left when he obsessively fixed on the subject of guys who kill their girlfriends. He couldn't understand why I was scared because he was "just joking," and I was "crazy" to react.

It has been two months since our breakup, and I feel so lucky to be out of it, although my self-esteem needs a lot of healing. Thank you for printing the "15 Reasons" -- they may help many women avoid a horrible experience. -- OLDER AND WISER IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR O AND W: You are to be congratulated for having distanced yourself from your former fiance. His problems were not the kind you could fix -- and his sense of humor was a natural disaster.

In fairness, however, not all abusers are male. The "15 Reasons" can apply equally to both sexes. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a son who was formerly gentle, good-tempered and had many friends. He is now lacking all those traits. His live-in girlfriend beats him, isolates him and harasses him in front of her children. Her youngest son -- age 12 -- says his mom always starts a fight, and I have seen her do it. However, my son is crazy about her children.

Because the piece was not gender-neutral, I cannot send it to him. Women are also abusers these days. It's not just men anymore. And both are bad.

I'm writing to ask that when you reprint the article, you please use gender-neutral language instead of pinpointing one sex or the other. I'm sure I won't be the only reader who will appreciate it. -- WORRIED MOTHER IN OREGON

DEAR WORRIED MOTHER: In the future I will, but please don't wait for the "15 Reasons" to be printed again. Clip this column and give it to him with the previous column. He needs to understand that his companion's behavior is an indication of deep-seated personality problems that cannot be fixed without professional help and a sincere desire on her part to put an end to her destructive behavior.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR READERS: It's Valentine's Day already! And what better time to revive my Ten Commandments of Love.

Yes, dear readers, I actually had the chutzpah to write my own Ten Commandments. However, it wasn't as though I was stealing from strangers. One of my ancestors was privileged to have received them on Mount Sinai from the Lord himself -- at least that's what the Good Book says.

Originally, I wrote two sets of commandments -- one for men and one for women. Then Mandy Stellman, a lawyer from Milwaukee, pointed out that one set of commandments should apply to both men and women. She was right, of course. So how's this for a gender-bender?

THE TEN COMMANDMENTS OF LOVE

-- Put your spouse before your mother, your father, your son and your daughter -- your mate is your lifelong companion.

-- Do not abuse your body with excessive food, tobacco, drink, or any foreign substance that goes into your arm or up your nose.

-- Remember that cleanliness is a virtue.

-- Willingly share all of your worldly goods with your mate.

-- Do not forget to say, "I love you." Even though your love may be constant, your spouse needs to hear those cherished words often.

-- Remember that the approval of your spouse is worth far more than the adoring glances of a hundred strangers, so be true to him or her, and forsake all others.

-- Permit neither your business nor your hobby to make you a stranger to your spouse. The most precious gift you can give is time.

-- Keep your home in good repair, because out of it come the joys of old age (not to mention its resale value).

-- Forgive with grace, because who among us does not need to be forgiven?

-- Honor the Lord your God every day of your life, and your children will grow up to bless you.

Today, be a sweetheart. Call someone you love and say, "I love you." (Make two or three calls; who says you can't love more than one person -- in different ways, of course.)

Call someone who's lonely and say, "I'm thinking of you." Or better yet, say, "I'll be over tomorrow to take you to lunch, run some errands for you or give you a ride."

Visit a sick friend. Say a prayer. Donate some blood. Adopt a pet. Will your eyes, your kidneys and all your usable organs to someone who can use them after you're gone. Forgive an enemy. Hug your teen-ager. Write a fan letter. Listen to a bore. Pay your doctor. Tell your parents you think they're wonderful. Spay your dog. Neuter your cat. Quit smoking. Drive carefully. If you're walking -- watch where you're going.

And don't wait until next year to be a sweetheart again. -- LOVE, ABBY

DEAR ABBY: A month ago I broke up with my boyfriend, "Adam." We had been dating about six months. During the last month of our relationship, his car broke down, so I lent him my spare car. Last night when I called him, I found out that he had resumed his relationship with his former girlfriend. I told him I wanted my car back immediately, and I felt it was disrespectful of him to have kept my car. When he decided to go back with her, he should have returned it.

Who does he think he is, anyway -- driving one girl's car while sleeping with another? He thinks I am wrong for saying he disrespected me. What do you think? -- STEWING IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR STEWING: The honorable thing would have been for him to have returned your car when he felt his relationship with you was over. However, you put him in the driver's seat and he enjoyed the freedom your wheels provided, so he felt no guilt in steering the vehicle in a different direction. You're lucky to be rid of him with only a little more mileage on your car.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am planning an elegant celebration for my husband's 50th birthday. We'll be having a black-tie sit-down dinner, a live band and dancing, a magician and a fortune-teller.

One of the invitees shocked me yesterday by announcing that she was bringing a guest. If she had a special man in her life, I would have included "and guest" on her invitation. Quite a few people she knows will be there -- and at least half a dozen other singles.

I feel very uncomfortable that someone would consider bringing an uninvited guest to this party, and I resent the way she announced it -- without asking and giving me the option of refusing.

After spending a sleepless night stewing over it, I realized I should have told her this was an imposition. However, I was too stunned when she mentioned it and didn't acknowledge the comment.

Would I be rude to tell her she can't bring a guest to our party? -- NEEDS ADVICE FAST IN NEW HAMPSHIRE

DEAR NEEDS: No. You would not be rude to tell this woman that you and your husband have discussed her bringing a guest to his party, and you cannot accommodate her request. Explain that your guest list is limited to close friends and family only, and she will not be the only single in attendance.

It is never proper for a guest to tell a hostess that he or she is bringing another person. The proper procedure is to ask if it would be all right to bring a date -- and since that person is technically the guest of the guest, to graciously offer to pay for him or her.

DEAR ABBY: A little over a year ago, I met a nice lady and we started to date. She told me a long tale of woe -- how she had stayed with her last husband until the family business went bankrupt.

I felt sorry for her and gave her money and presents, including three automobiles, $1,000 worth of dental work and money for five months rent on her apartment.

All along, she broke every engagement we made to spend time and holidays together.

I am now behind in my bills. My charge cards are maxed out, and I am still paying for her new living room suite. She was supposed to have moved into my home by now and we were to be married. Now she says she needs three more months to "think about it" in order to be sure.

I own my own home, Abby, and do not want to lose it to this woman and her daughter, who is an attorney. Do you think I am being played for a fool? -- AFRAID IN EDGEWATER, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: You are not a fool, but you will be if you continue this relationship. Take advantage of the three months she wants "to think about it" to do some thinking of your own.

This "nice lady" seems to have a history of leaving the men in her life bankrupt; don't be her next statistic. You have taken generosity to an extreme. Next time, don't lavish gifts on a woman until you know she likes you for yourself -- not for what you can give her.

DEAR ABBY: A little over a year ago, I met a nice lady and we started to date. She told me a long tale of woe -- how she had stayed with her last husband until the family business went bankrupt.

I felt sorry for her and gave her money and presents, including three automobiles, $1,000 worth of dental work and money for five months rent on her apartment.

All along, she broke every engagement we made to spend time and holidays together.

I am now behind in my bills. My charge cards are maxed out, and I am still paying for her new living room suite. She was supposed to have moved into my home by now and we were to be married. Now she says she needs three more months to "think about it" in order to be sure.

I own my own home, Abby, and do not want to lose it to this woman and her daughter, who is an attorney. Do you think I am being played for a fool? -- AFRAID IN EDGEWATER, FLA.

DEAR ABBY: You are not a fool, but you will be if you continue this relationship. Take advantage of the three months she wants "to think about it" to do some thinking of your own.

This "nice lady" seems to have a history of leaving the men in her life bankrupt; don't be her next statistic. You have taken generosity to an extreme. Next time, don't lavish gifts on a woman until you know she likes you for yourself -- not for what you can give her.