DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wit's end. My cousin "Sheila" and I are very close. She lives around the corner and comes over almost daily to play with my 20-month-old daughter, "Megan." The problem is, Sheila says unkind things about Megan's behavior, such as, "Evidently those child-rearing books you read haven't worked," or, "If you can't control her at 20 months, how will you control her when she's a teen-ager?" The worst is, "You know, I have a love/hate relationship with Megan -- I really love her, but after a while I can't stand being around her."

Megan likes to squeal. She sometimes cries a little too loudly and doesn't always want to share her toys, but my husband and I try to discipline her. The rest of our friends and family members think she is well-behaved, and many of them think the problem is with Sheila. They say they've seen her encourage Megan to act wildly just to see what my husband and I would do.

I love my cousin, and Megan loves her, too. However, I'm not sure whether or not I should put some distance between us. Sheila is very sensitive, and the last time I spoke to her about this, she wouldn't talk to me for a week. Megan is attached to Sheila, and I am not sure I should jeopardize their relationship. Please help. -- MEGAN'S MOM IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR MOM: Something is wrong with an adult who derives pleasure from getting a child in trouble. If it continues, your daughter will never know where she stands with this immature and somewhat sadistic individual.

Tell Sheila to stop popping in and out of your home dispensing unkind and unasked-for observations about your child-rearing ability. If she wants to be part of your daughter's life, she should start giving Megan "unconditional love" -- or stay home.

DEAR ABBY: I'm a 26-year-old former college soccer player, now coaching a girls' high school team in California. This is my first coaching job, and for some reason, some of the girls on the team are flirting with me and being very suggestive.

When a girl gives me "that look," I am both troubled and excited at the same time. I want to maintain my professional coaching relationship, but it's becoming very difficult. Do you or any of your readers have any suggestions? I have heard about coaches becoming involved with the athletes. -- TEMPTED

DEAR TEMPTED: If I were you, I'd keep one eye on the ball, the other on the scoreboard, and if one of these young women makes another pass, tell her she's out of bounds and if it happens again, she'll be benched and reported to the principal.

If the temptation is too much for you, I recommend a cold shower and reassignment to a boys' soccer team. These girls are minors, and you are in a position of trust and authority. Involvement with a student could destroy the rest of your professional life.

DEAR ABBY: What is the correct time limit to send out a thank-you note? Is a month sufficient? I am talking about holiday gifts. Thanks! -- RUNNING BEHIND IN ST. CHARLES, LA.

DEAR RUNNING BEHIND: The sooner the better! Certainly no later than a month. And that goes for all gifts -- so get moving!

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you discussed the subject of inhalant abuse. It incorrectly mentioned a 3M product, Scotchgard Fabric Protector, as one product that is commonly abused.

Prior to 1993, Scotchgard protector did contain solvents that were apparently attractive to "huffers." However, 3M responded to environmental and safety concerns and reformulated the product. Since that reformulation, we have not been made aware of any inhalant incidents related to this product. The current product is water-based. -- HARVEY BERWIN, PH.D., 3M HOME CARE DIVISION, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR DR. BERWIN: That's a relief. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am the director of the National Inhalant Prevention Coalition. I recently read the follow-up letter in your column about inhalant-related death. Unfortunately, incidents like this occur all too frequently. More than 340 deaths have been reported to us since 1996. Education and awareness are the prime prevention tools in dealing with this problem.

I would like to share another issue that has recently arisen that a number of people have contacted me about. One of the major shoe manufacturers has a new product -- a basketball shoe filled with helium. Their promotion for the shoe includes basketball stars who talk as if they have just huffed helium.

Abby, these are role models for young people who look up to these athletes. Some might say that if it's OK for these people to huff helium, then it's only a short leap of the imagination to assume it's OK to try something that could be far more deadly. -- HARVEY WEISS, DIRECTOR, NATIONAL INHALANT PREVENTION COALITION

DEAR MR. WEISS: The people responsible for that ad must have helium in their heads instead of brains. "Huffing" is not cool; it can be deadly.

Readers: The National Inhalant Prevention Coalition has a Web site that provides information in both English and Spanish at www.inhalants.org. The coalition also has materials it sends at no cost if people contact it through its Web site or via the toll-free number: 1-800-269-4237.

DEAR ABBY: On Dec. 25, you printed an unattributed piece titled "Friendship" that was sent to you by a reader in St. Petersburg, Fla.

I thought you would like to know those words were written by Dinah Maria Mulock Craik in 1866, in a book titled, "A Life for a Life" (p.169). Here is the original in its entirety:

"But oh! the blessing it is to have a friend to whom one can speak fearless on any subject; with whom one's deepest as well as one's most foolish thoughts come out simply and safely. Oh, the comfort -- the inexpressible comfort of feeling safe with a person -- having neither to weigh thoughts nor measure words, but pouring them all right out, just as they are, chaff and grain together; certain that a faithful hand will take and sift them, keep what is worth keeping, and then with the breath of kindness blow the rest away." -- ROSALIE MAGGIO, ST. PAUL, MINN.

DEAR ROSALIE: Thank you for the reliable input. Several readers mistakenly informed me that it had been written by T.S. Eliot. However, Warren Seid, my trusty secret weapon at the Hollywood Library, has confirmed that you are correct.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Sis, the Nag" from Hickory Hills, Ill., was right on target. The woman is a primary candidate for retirement living. Unfortunately, society as a whole, and especially the maturing adult, is undereducated when it comes to the resources available to them and the many advantages of those resources.

A large part of the American culture continues to perceive retirement living in the same vein as life in a nursing home -- hence the hesitation when it comes to this type of decision making. Although life in a retirement community is quite the contrary, this perception has been slow to change.

I work in a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC). The beauty of this environment is that there are 60-, 70-, 80- and 90-year-old adults who continue to live active and independent lives, and yet have assisted and nursing care services available to them in the event these needs arise. The residents reside in a hotel-like atmosphere in their own apartments, with their own furniture, go to the mall, grocery stores, theater and anywhere else they so desire. They make new friends that have had or continue to have similar life experiences.

Today's senior has worked hard to provide children and grandchildren with the opportunity and vision to fulfill their own goals. The families want only the very best for them. They want their parents to enjoy themselves and all of the amenities they so often deprived themselves of to provide for their families. Retirement living is truly a step in the right direction.

"Sis" is no doubt facing a difficult decision. Regardless of how nice the retirement community is, it will never be the memory-filled home in which she raised her family. However, life is a series of trade-offs. She is already feeling the burden of caring for her house and at a loss as to why her children are not more available. "Sis" probably has a delightful brood, but what will she expect of them if her health declines and she finds herself able to handle less and less?

Taking this first step is a big one. I meet people daily who are hesitant to take the initial step. The majority of mature adults feel they are not ready for retirement living. Yet these same folks come into my office six months after they've moved in to tell me how happy they are, and how they wish they had made the move years earlier. -- KELLI KNOX, HOUSTON

DEAR KELLI: Thank you for an informative letter. I received mail from angry readers scolding me because I didn't criticize "Sis's" children for failing to help their mother with maintaining her property. However, I seriously doubt that if they're unwilling or unable to do it, they would appreciate a lecture from me.

It's far more important that "Sis" be empowered to control her own destiny and, if she's not getting the attention she'd like from her children, to develop an independent social life of her own. That is why I urged her to sell the real estate before it becomes run-down and to give serious thought to a retirement community targeted to active seniors.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)