DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Sis, the Nag" from Hickory Hills, Ill., was right on target. The woman is a primary candidate for retirement living. Unfortunately, society as a whole, and especially the maturing adult, is undereducated when it comes to the resources available to them and the many advantages of those resources.

A large part of the American culture continues to perceive retirement living in the same vein as life in a nursing home -- hence the hesitation when it comes to this type of decision making. Although life in a retirement community is quite the contrary, this perception has been slow to change.

I work in a Continuing Care Retirement Community (CCRC). The beauty of this environment is that there are 60-, 70-, 80- and 90-year-old adults who continue to live active and independent lives, and yet have assisted and nursing care services available to them in the event these needs arise. The residents reside in a hotel-like atmosphere in their own apartments, with their own furniture, go to the mall, grocery stores, theater and anywhere else they so desire. They make new friends that have had or continue to have similar life experiences.

Today's senior has worked hard to provide children and grandchildren with the opportunity and vision to fulfill their own goals. The families want only the very best for them. They want their parents to enjoy themselves and all of the amenities they so often deprived themselves of to provide for their families. Retirement living is truly a step in the right direction.

"Sis" is no doubt facing a difficult decision. Regardless of how nice the retirement community is, it will never be the memory-filled home in which she raised her family. However, life is a series of trade-offs. She is already feeling the burden of caring for her house and at a loss as to why her children are not more available. "Sis" probably has a delightful brood, but what will she expect of them if her health declines and she finds herself able to handle less and less?

Taking this first step is a big one. I meet people daily who are hesitant to take the initial step. The majority of mature adults feel they are not ready for retirement living. Yet these same folks come into my office six months after they've moved in to tell me how happy they are, and how they wish they had made the move years earlier. -- KELLI KNOX, HOUSTON

DEAR KELLI: Thank you for an informative letter. I received mail from angry readers scolding me because I didn't criticize "Sis's" children for failing to help their mother with maintaining her property. However, I seriously doubt that if they're unwilling or unable to do it, they would appreciate a lecture from me.

It's far more important that "Sis" be empowered to control her own destiny and, if she's not getting the attention she'd like from her children, to develop an independent social life of her own. That is why I urged her to sell the real estate before it becomes run-down and to give serious thought to a retirement community targeted to active seniors.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed reading and re-reading the enclosed item from your column many times. And what a great original gift idea it provides for Valentine's Day: Write a "list" of all the qualities you love about your loved one. If it were framed, it would become a treasured keepsake, and it applies to mothers, fathers, spouses, children, friends, etc. -- HAPPY AFTER 30 YEARS OF MARRIAGE IN GEORGIA

DEAR HAPPY: I agree. And when someone asks me for a gift idea for the person who "has everything," the first thing I suggest is a letter telling that person how much he or she means to you and why. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: My marriage was in need of repair. My husband and I had been fighting a lot. He told me that if I didn't like it, I could pack my things and go. I cried myself to sleep for nights on end.

One night I couldn't sleep because I was so upset with him. All I could think about were all the things that bugged me about him. I knew that if I didn't banish these negative thoughts from my mind, it would be a long time before I fell asleep. I decided to think instead of all the things that I loved about him. I wrote them down on a piece of paper, put it in an envelope and placed it in his briefcase.

The next morning, he called me from work to tell me how much he loved me. When he came home that evening, he put my "list" in a frame and hung it on the wall. We hardly ever fight anymore. I get love notes weekly and kisses daily.

I thought some of your readers might like to try this recipe for renewed love. It was so simple -- and well worth the effort. -- HAPPY AGAIN IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HAPPY AGAIN: What a terrific idea for warming up a chilly marriage. Your list of the qualities you loved about your husband obviously meant a great deal to him. When we focus only on what is wrong, we tend to undervalue what he or she is doing right.

DEAR ABBY: Please tell me how to handle this. I have terrible winter asthma. During the holidays I go to visit my in-laws and my mother -- all chain smokers.

They know about my smoke allergy and they do "try," but being long-term smokers, they usually forget and wind up smoking in the next room or in front of me. I am tired of being the party pooper who says, "Please put that out." So, they don't invite us over to family gatherings unless it's Christmas. I go, and then seven to 10 days later, after I have compromised my immune system, I have terrible bronchitis. It lasted nearly three months last year.

This has gone on so long, I feel like they love their cigarettes more than me.

So here it is January, and I'm starting the new year sick and on inhalers and antibiotics. How can I get it across to my loving family to refrain from smoking in front of me or during my visits without so deeply offending them? -- SLEEPLESS IN OREGON

DEAR SLEEPLESS: You can't! Face it, your family (all smokers) are addicted to tobacco, and their addiction is greater than their consideration for you or your health problems.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have enjoyed your tombstone series. Isn't it great that humor can lift our spirits even when the subject is death and tombstones? It is a unique legacy and a wonderful way to remember those who go before us.

At a particularly frustrating time in my life, when I just wasn't getting something right, I wrote this poem. I'll bet others can identify with it, too:

EPITAPH FOR A PERFECTIONIST

"It has to be right, no less will do!"

She vowed and firmly believed it.

In life she aimed at perfection;

In death she finally achieved it.

They buried her corpse on a lonely hill

At the foot of a stone that read,

"May she rest in perfect peace,

"For now she is perfectly dead."

-- JOHNNYE JO, N.C.

DEAR JOHNNYE JO: I'm pleased that penning the verse was therapeutic for what ailed you. Perfection is something most of us strive for, but few attain. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have another humorous epitaph to add to your collection of tombstone stories.

The reference made to the old cemetery in Key West, Fla., brought to mind another tombstone in that cemetery. It reads: "Now I know where he is every night."

People in Key West must have a great sense of humor! -- LORRAINE B., VICKSBURG, MISS.

DEAR LORRAINE: Yes, one that's out of this world. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: While you're on the subject of tombstones, I saw one in a cemetery near Breckenridge, Texas, that read: "Rest in Peace -- I Hope."

For my own monument, I would like "Rest in Pieces" inscribed. I have had so many operations in different towns that I could never gather all of me together in one grave. -- ADELLE O., APPLE VALLEY, CALIF.

DEAR ADELLE: Hold this thought: Sometimes less is more. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The enclosed is a bit of doggerel I wrote while working on the wording of my last will. As a poet of modest publishing success, when I run into the inevitable roadblock, I resort to nonsense words that aren't meant to do anything or say anything:

In whom do I confide

When I finally decide

My Epitaph:

"By God -- he tried."

To the point, I think! -- HOWARD CANN, RENO, NEV.

DEAR HOWARD: I hope this isn't an indication of my mental state, but your epitaph makes perfect sense to me.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)