DEAR ABBY: You receive many letters from people telling you they are taken advantage of -- by friends, relatives, neighbors, etc. Why don't these "victims" assert themselves and refuse to do that which makes them uncomfortable?

The people who drop in unannounced, or the out-of-towners who freeload, are not friends. They have their own agendas and don't stop for one second to consider the other person's feelings.

I used to have a close friend until she asked me if she could borrow $50,000. Her request occurred less than three months after my husband was downsized from a corporation after 19 years. The friendship was never the same after I had to refuse.

My formula is simple: Choose people who treat you the way you treat them -- with consideration and respect. Perhaps some people say yes too often because they want the whole world to love them, and that's why they end up frustrated and resentful. People need to be stronger and simply speak up and just say no. -- BARBARA IN THE PACIFIC NORTHWEST

DEAR BARBARA: I agree that if people were more assertive, fewer would be taken advantage of. It's impossible for anyone to be loved by everyone -- and giving beyond one's means does not guarantee that the giver will receive respect and affection in return.

Classes in assertiveness training are offered by community colleges, community centers and some seniors centers. Books on assertiveness are also available at public libraries and bookstores.

DEAR ABBY: Because of your well-known compassion for animals, I thought you might be interested in knowing what my twin daughters, Lindy and Barbara Wallace of Moscow, Idaho, did for their 50th birthday last year. They decided to make it a special occasion.

They held their party at a local church and had it catered. A small jazz group provided music.

At their age, they decided they didn't need any more "stuff," so the invitations requested donations to the local Humane Society instead of gifts. Friends brought a mountain of dog food, cat food, pet toys, collars, leashes, pet carriers, etc. And many contributed money for the Humane Society wish list.

The Humane Society, which has a no-kill policy, was delighted -- and everyone had a wonderful time. -- BILLYE WALLACE, BUTTE, MONT.

DEAR BILLYE: Although I have heard from readers describing how they turned their special occasions into benefits for food banks and homeless shelters, yours is the first I have received about a benefit for an animal shelter. It's a clever idea for a worthwhile cause. There's no telling how many imitators you have unleashed.

DEAR READERS: Today is the birthday of Martin Luther King Jr., whose words of wisdom ring as true today as when he uttered them during his acceptance speech for the Nobel Peace Prize in 1964:

"Nonviolence is the answer to the crucial political and moral questions of our time: the need for man to overcome oppression and violence without resorting to oppression and violence.

"Man must evolve for all human conflict a method which rejects revenge, aggression and retaliation. The foundation of such a method is love."

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to pass on some information that came to me via a 14-year-old.

I bought a gun because I travel long distances alone. I called the police to ask them the best way to travel with a gun without getting in trouble with the police. They instructed me to put the clip in the trunk of my car and the gun itself on the seat beside me.

I was telling a friend about this and remarked that if I got into trouble, the gun would be useless. Her 14-year-old son spoke up and said, "No, there's a bullet still in the chamber even after the clip is removed." I asked my father if this was true, and he confirmed it. He removed the clip from my gun and instructed me to go outside and pull the trigger. I did, and it did, indeed, have a bullet in the chamber!

I have often wondered how people could shoot themselves while cleaning a gun. I had no idea that when the clip was removed, a gun could still be loaded. I wonder how many hunters are aware of this. I thought I'd pass this along. Perhaps it could save someone's life. -- DEBRA IN OKLAHOMA CITY

DEAR DEBRA: I am not particularly knowledgeable about guns, so I called the Los Angeles Police Department to inquire. Officer Rodriguez, with whom I spoke, informed me that one should always assume the gun is loaded, and a shell does remain in the chamber when the magazine is removed -- unless it, too, is removed. That's an important warning for inexperienced gun owners.

DEAR ABBY: You recently printed a letter encouraging letters of honest praise to often-overlooked workers. Sometimes, but not often enough, I try to do that.

A few years back, I tried to think of the most underpraised group of workers that I could sincerely compliment. So, I took a picture of our minimally dented 20-year-old metal garbage can sitting at its usual clean spot at the curb. I sent an 8-by-10 color print along with a complimentary letter to the head of sanitation for the city of Dallas. They have obviously been in operation for decades, and they have hundreds of employees who are often maligned for spilled trash, noise, etc.

A few days later, I received a letter in response. It said something like this: "Thanks very much for your complimentary letter. It causes a bit of a problem. We don't know where to file it. It's the first that we have ever received." -- KARL SOUTHWARD, NEMO, TEXAS

DEAR KARL: Your letter proves there's a first time for everything. Now clip this column and send it to the head of sanitation for the city of Dallas with a note: "How about filing it under 'C' for compliments? A letter like the one you received from me is a keeper!" (I'll bet they receive a dozen clippings of this column!)

DEAR ABBY: I read with interest the letter in which Ernest A. Schichler Sr. described how hospital visitors subject patients to stress. I, too, have seen this.

My father had a stroke that partially paralyzed him. While he was in the hospital recovering, his many friends came to wish him well. He could barely talk because of the paralysis, so they talked among themselves. At one point, he called me to the bedside and, speaking with great difficulty, said, "Tell them to leave. They're talking about the high price of funerals." -- KELLY MC DONOUGH, HURST, TEXAS

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Because the season of colds and flu is upon us, I'd like to share with you a verse I think can be credited to the late Ish K. Bibble, a comedian on the "Kay Kayser Kollege of Musical Knowledge," a popular radio program in the '40s:

"I sneezed a sneeze into the air;

"It fell to earth I knew not where:

"But you should have seen the looks on those

"In whose vicinity I snoze!"

Abby, please remind your readers to remember this little verse the next time they feel a sneeze or cough coming on, whether on the street, in a theater, a supermarket, a plane, train or boat -- and especially in MY vicinity! Always use a handkerchief, a tissue, your hand or even your shoulder. Those around you will be grateful.

Thanks for passing this along, Abby. -- HATES THE SNIFFLES

DEAR HATES: You're welcome. No one wants to be sneezed upon -- and colds and flu germs are nothing to be sneezed at. My experts tell me that the hands are the most frequent spreaders of disease. Cold germs can be picked up by touching doorknobs, elevator buttons or telephones that were first handled by infected individuals. When the hand is then used to touch the mouth or nose, or to scratch an eyelid, the cold is transferred to the next "victim." The most effective way to avoid cold and flu germs is to frequently wash one's hands in warm, soapy water.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is being married next April. She and her boyfriend have been living together for four years. It will be the second marriage for her and the third for him.

My question: Do they share the expense of the wedding equally, or does my granddaughter assume the whole financial responsibility? Her fiance says, "The bride pays for everything -- and if you want to marry me, you'll pay for it." Is that right? -- ALICE IN ATLANTA

DEAR ALICE: That depends on how you look at it. From my perspective, not only will your granddaughter "pay for it" -- she'll pay for it and pay for it and pay for it. He should be ashamed of himself for attempting to place the entire financial burden on her shoulders. He and your granddaughter are a couple and should split the cost of their wedding 50-50. She should think twice about marrying this fellow.

DEAR ABBY: A church here in Minneapolis made up a list of all their male parishioners who died during service in any war.

They put this list on the wall for everyone to see.

A 4-year-old boy was standing and looking at the list when the minister came by.

The boy asked the minister, "What is this list for?"

The minister replied, "That is all our male parishioners who died in the service."

The boy asked the minister, "Was it during the 9 o'clock or 10:30 service?" -- ORVILLE M. ANDERSON, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR ORVILLE: That's a cute story. Did it really happen, or are you pulling my prayer shawl?

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)