DEAR ABBY: Because the season of colds and flu is upon us, I'd like to share with you a verse I think can be credited to the late Ish K. Bibble, a comedian on the "Kay Kayser Kollege of Musical Knowledge," a popular radio program in the '40s:

"I sneezed a sneeze into the air;

"It fell to earth I knew not where:

"But you should have seen the looks on those

"In whose vicinity I snoze!"

Abby, please remind your readers to remember this little verse the next time they feel a sneeze or cough coming on, whether on the street, in a theater, a supermarket, a plane, train or boat -- and especially in MY vicinity! Always use a handkerchief, a tissue, your hand or even your shoulder. Those around you will be grateful.

Thanks for passing this along, Abby. -- HATES THE SNIFFLES

DEAR HATES: You're welcome. No one wants to be sneezed upon -- and colds and flu germs are nothing to be sneezed at. My experts tell me that the hands are the most frequent spreaders of disease. Cold germs can be picked up by touching doorknobs, elevator buttons or telephones that were first handled by infected individuals. When the hand is then used to touch the mouth or nose, or to scratch an eyelid, the cold is transferred to the next "victim." The most effective way to avoid cold and flu germs is to frequently wash one's hands in warm, soapy water.

DEAR ABBY: My granddaughter is being married next April. She and her boyfriend have been living together for four years. It will be the second marriage for her and the third for him.

My question: Do they share the expense of the wedding equally, or does my granddaughter assume the whole financial responsibility? Her fiance says, "The bride pays for everything -- and if you want to marry me, you'll pay for it." Is that right? -- ALICE IN ATLANTA

DEAR ALICE: That depends on how you look at it. From my perspective, not only will your granddaughter "pay for it" -- she'll pay for it and pay for it and pay for it. He should be ashamed of himself for attempting to place the entire financial burden on her shoulders. He and your granddaughter are a couple and should split the cost of their wedding 50-50. She should think twice about marrying this fellow.

DEAR ABBY: A church here in Minneapolis made up a list of all their male parishioners who died during service in any war.

They put this list on the wall for everyone to see.

A 4-year-old boy was standing and looking at the list when the minister came by.

The boy asked the minister, "What is this list for?"

The minister replied, "That is all our male parishioners who died in the service."

The boy asked the minister, "Was it during the 9 o'clock or 10:30 service?" -- ORVILLE M. ANDERSON, MINNEAPOLIS

DEAR ORVILLE: That's a cute story. Did it really happen, or are you pulling my prayer shawl?

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My girlfriend, who is wonderful, is always trying to help me out, so she suggested I meet "Phyllis," her psychic. For $35, Phyllis told me about my present, my past and my future.

She told me that "Johnny," the man I've been involved with for the last five years, is my soulmate -- and if I want him to propose, I will need to get spiritual cleansing. That means she and a few other people will meditate for six weeks on my behalf to disperse the dark cloud that is interrupting my life and relationship and causing me to fail in life. She says that's the reason life has been so difficult financially and personally, and things won't improve without a spiritual cleansing. The cost is $500.

I have been divorced for 16 years and I'm raising three kids on my own with no child support. I've been trying with no luck to convince Johnny to marry me, and I've been out of work for two months because of knee surgery. I'm beginning to think I'm never going to get what I want out of life. That's why I went to see Phyllis for answers.

Is this as silly as I suspect it is, Abby? Or do I need some professional counseling? Please help me decide. -- GETTING NOWHERE IN OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR GETTING NOWHERE: I'm pleased to help -- and in doing so I can save you $499.67. I don't need a crystal ball to see that unless Phyllis is offering a double-your-money-back guarantee along with her spiritual cleansing, she's trying to take you to the cleaners. You don't need spiritual cleansing or professional counseling. You appear to be completely in touch with reality.

After five years, Johnny should know whether or not he wants to settle down with you. If he refuses to make a commitment, face it -- you and he have very different goals. If it's marriage you want, he may not be your soulmate after all. That's not a black cloud over your head; that's life.

Your knee will heal, and you'll be back in the work force soon. If you can no longer work on your feet, you'll have to find something more sedentary.

Consider this: Life is a series of new beginnings, and new beginnings are positive. If you lack the faith to believe it, talk to some members of the clergy. Faith is their business.

DEAR ABBY: Each year, I am grateful for the many blessings in my life, especially during the year-end holidays. However, I have one problem that plagues me every Christmas. Two female relatives criticize my food preparation, my decorating choices, my clothing, my appearance, my child-rearing practices and my choice of gifts.

Because tradition dictates that family be included in our Christmas celebrations, I feel I must include them each year. However, I would like to stop them from being critical. They are both from an older generation, and I don't want to appear disrespectful. How can I tell them next year without offending them? -- FRUSTRATED IN SOUTH CAROLINA

DEAR FRUSTRATED: You can't -- because hypercritical people are also usually hypersensitive when criticism is reflected back at them. I offer this bit of advice instead: Just because a jackass brays doesn't mean you have to listen. Tune them out.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "THINKING OF BAILING": To quote Winston Churchill, "Never give in, never give in, never, never, never give in." You have invested too much of yourself, your time and your money to quit now. In two more years, you'll attain your goal and you won't be sorry.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column, one of your readers recommended that schools add anger management classes to the curriculum. I am a schoolteacher, and I don't know how we're going to fit any more into our curriculum and do it effectively.

We teach drug awareness, tobacco awareness, AIDS education, kids voting, helmet safety and stranger danger, to name a few. Oh, yes -- we also teach reading, writing, math, language, social studies, science, health, music, art and physical education.

Why does our society expect schools to teach it all? Whatever happened to parenting? Parents should be taking the classes on how to be parents. Perhaps that would leave the "school" subjects to the teachers. -- PHOENIX EDUCATOR

DEAR EDUCATOR: I agree that it's unfair to demand that schools teach children that which should be taught at home by the parents. However, the majority of families these days have two working parents, and consequently many children are virtually raising themselves.

The task of parenting is more difficult when the parent is gone the majority of the time -- but it's not impossible. The best things parents can give their children are time and undivided attention. They should listen to their children with a discerning ear. It takes patience, setting a good example, organizing one's priorities and choosing one's battles. For parents who feel that knack is beyond them, many books have been written on the subject.

DEAR ABBY: I have been in a relationship with a man for four years now. Two years ago he asked me to marry him, but he still hasn't set a date or given me a ring.

Whenever I bring up the subject, he gets angry and says, "When the time is right." Well, in my book, don't you normally wait to pop the question until the time is right and then offer the ring as a symbol of love and commitment?

He is 42 years old, has never been married and still lives at home with his mother. He says he could never leave her alone. His mother -- a wonderful woman whom I love dearly -- is 75 years old, but remains very active and still works 35 hours a week. She says he has never helped her financially, although he makes a decent living.

I'm beginning to grow weary of waiting for "the right time." What do you think of this situation? -- THE WIFE-IN-WAITING

DEAR WAITING: He has told you directly that he could never leave his mother. She's in excellent health and, from your description, is vigorous -- so you could be "waiting" for this man to get off the dime for a very long time. Let me go on record: Waiting for someone to die is the longest wait in the world.

If it's marriage you want, it's time to move on and find an eligible man. This one's already taken.

DEAR ABBY: Please answer this for me. Is it all right to visit relatives or friends without calling first? I say it's rude, and my husband says there is nothing wrong with it. He thinks people will just be surprised. -- EMBARRASSED IN TEXAS

DEAR EMBARRASSED: I recommend always calling to ask if it's convenient to visit.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)