DEAR ABBY: I am an 18-year-old who has lived with a gay man ever since I was 6. I'll call him Harold. My mother got tangled up with drugs and practically abandoned me and my brother (who's now 22).

Abby, for the last 12 years of our lives we never saw Harold do anything but work hard and come home to us. If he has a companion, we've never seen him. My brother is married and has moved out with his wife and new son. I'm still living at home and am in my freshman year of college -- which Harold is paying for.

There's only one problem. Some of my friends from college come to my house to study. They have seen Harold and they ask questions about him. He has never been the flamboyant type or the proud, outgoing kind -- so I tell them he is not gay, even though I know he is.

Harold has never touched me or my brother in any kind of sexual manner. Abby, he has been my mother, father, aunt, uncle, counselor and, most of all, my best friend. I love him as though he were a blood relation and so does my brother. Should I keep lying to my friends about him when they ask questions, or should I move to protect my reputation? They think I should transfer to another college so people won't know about him raising me. I love him, and the last thing I want to do is hurt him. Please help. -- TORN AND CONFUSED BY LOVE AND FRIENDS

DEAR TORN: Harold's sexual preferences are personal, and none of your curious "friends'" business. Since you say he is not "out," I see no reason for you to reveal anything for him. Tell your friends exactly what you told me -- that he is your mother, father, aunt, uncle, counselor and -- most of all -- your best friend. Alternatively, you could call him a confirmed bachelor. (It's certainly the truth!)

Anyone who would imply that you should be ashamed of the way you were raised is speaking out of ignorance, is not your friend, and is not worthy of your time. You have a rare and beautiful relationship. Don't sacrifice it out of fear of what others might say. If you're happy living at home and attending college, you should remain there.

DEAR ABBY: "Ed in Long Island" sent you a list of reasons why gay people need to talk about being gay.

I would like to add some thoughts because people need to talk about problems if we are ever going to put an end to discrimination.

1. Women had to talk about their right to vote before it became a reality.

2. Black people had to talk about discrimination against them before they secured civil rights.

3. Workers had to talk about their problems before they secured decent pay and other benefits.

4. Jewish people had to keep talking about the terrible crimes of the Holocaust to make sure it never happens again (and don't forget, gay people were killed along with the Jews in the Holocaust).

I'm sure others can think of other examples of the need to talk to put a check on discrimination, prejudice, bigotry and hate. -- DORTHA HARNED, TERRE HAUTE, IND.

DEAR DORTHA: Indeed they can -- and I hope they do. Unless people talk about discrimination, there is a tendency to sweep it under the carpet and ignore its presence.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm a widow in my 60s, and I'm beginning to think I'm the biggest fool in the world.

After my dear husband died two years ago, I convinced myself I would never get involved with another man. I needed peace after nursing my mate through five traumatic years of cancer and a painful death.

A year ago, I met a charming man my age at church with whom I had many interests in common. He asked me out right after we met, and we have been a happy twosome ever since. He owns his own home a short distance from mine, and we've had a marvelous relationship in all ways. He told me he was divorced and that his ex-wife lived 3,000 miles away in another state.

However, after he told me that he had four unmarried, grown children but didn't feel comfortable telling them about me, I became suspicious. When he visits them in another state, he asks me not to write or call him because they "wouldn't understand." My children and grandchildren like him very much, as do all my friends.

Finally, I asked him outright if he were, indeed, divorced. After a long pause he replied, "Not yet." (After a eight-year separation!)

Noticing our friendship, church members began to approach me and advise me to back off and not get hurt. I was told he had been involved with another woman at the church for a long time before he met me, and that they had broken up for unknown reasons. The reason for this occurred to me -- that she didn't want to be caught in a dead-end relationship, either.

Abby, this man won't tell me straight, but I have this strong feeling that he cheated on his wife during their marriage, and she simply moved far away. He keeps my calendar full of dates and commitments extending far into the future, and I've always had a wonderful time with him. This is apparently the kind of life he wants, but it's not for me.

I am embarrassed and hurt. Do I just say to him, "I want marriage or nothing"? I am so emotionally entangled that an abrupt severing seems beyond my ability. Fragile as it is, I feel that we have something of great value together, but I only visualize an empty future together. Your thoughts, please. -- IN LIMBO IN WASHINGTON

DEAR IN LIMBO: Politely put, your charming escort is a cad and a liar, and I'm sorry your heart is hurting because of his dishonesty. You deserve better.

Ask him to come clean and tell you if he and his wife are really washed up or not. You seem like a lovely woman with terrific instincts, and you already know what you have to do.

DEAR ABBY: Here's another solution for the woman whose neighbor uses her hose and water to water his own lawn and shrubs. Most faucet handles have a screw in the middle. Even without the screw, you can use the faucet. And when you're done, the handle can be removed and taken into the house. It worked for us. -- SHARON L., PUYALLUP, WASH.

DEAR SHARON: Thank you for a helpful suggestion. I hope it will help the woman who wrote to stop the drip next door!

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My mother and stepfather would love to be the guardians of my children. My children adore both of them. The problem is my mother has a drinking problem. She never drinks during the day, or even every day. However, she entertains a lot, and when she does, she often drinks too much and becomes loud and slurry. I consider her to be a binge alcoholic and can recall incidents of her being drunk since I was 7.

I overcame my own alcohol and tobacco addictions because I wanted to do it for myself. I felt it was important to set a good example for my children. I knew I couldn't expect them to listen to me tell them not to drink and smoke when I indulged in both nasty habits.

Now that I am free of these substances, I don't know if I should approach my mother about this issue. Should I tell her that I wouldn't want my children growing up in a household where alcohol is used irresponsibly, and give her a chance to clean up her act and quit? Or should I just not mention that I have selected someone else in my will to be my children's guardian and let it be a surprise should the occasion arise?

Mother would become incredibly hostile and defensive if I bring up her drinking habits. I want to stack all of the odds against my children becoming alcoholics, as it does run in the family. My husband agreed that you would know how to handle this in the best way. -- STACKING THE ODDS IN OREGON

DEAR STACKING: Your children must come first. Arrange for someone other than your mother to be your children's guardian. Then contact Al-Anon and inquire about an intervention program for her. With the help of an intervention team, talk to your mother about her binge drinking and the effect it had on you while you were growing up.

If she gets a handle on her problem, you can change your will at a later date. Perhaps it will be an incentive for her to quit.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I decided to host a small but formal New Year's Eve party. I called my neighbor to tell her, and to invite her and her family. She graciously offered lots of help and proceeded to give me her guest list.

I politely told her that my husband and I were hosting the party. (I thought perhaps she had misunderstood -- that she thought I had asked her to host the party jointly.) I explained that we wanted to keep it small and limited to our close family and friends; therefore I could extend the invitation only to her, her husband and their children. She replied that she didn't think it was out of line to invite her own guests -- and that they probably wouldn't show up anyway.

It has caused a lot of friction between us, and I have since canceled the party, which I really didn't want to do. Can I still have the party but not invite them? They live right up the street. -- A. DILEMMA, PACIFICA, CALIF.

DEAR A. DILEMMA: Just when I think I've heard everything, I receive a letter about a neighbor like yours. To invite people to a party and assume they "probably won't show up anyway" is foolish. What if they DO show up and you're not prepared for them?

Give the party, and allow me to be the first to wish you a happy, healthy new year. Make one of your resolutions to have little to do with your nervy neighbor. It doesn't take a crystal ball to predict she'll be angry when she learns she wasn't included.

P.S. Don't be surprised if they show up anyway.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)