DEAR ABBY: Along with millions of other Americans, I am overweight. This time of year is particularly difficult for me because of the well-intentioned but misguided actions of friends and family. With the holidays upon us, I have the following suggestions for anyone who knows someone who is fighting the battle of the bulge (and who doesn't?):

1. Avoid giving gifts of food. This means ALL food -- even your special sugar-free coconut cream pie. Giving chocolates or other fattening treats is, at the least, insensitive and borders on downright cruelty.

2. Do not "push" food on another person. If you're hosting a meal or a party, make a variety of healthy foods available along with any special treats you've prepared. Allow your guests to choose for themselves without comment. It is especially unfair to use guilt ("I made these just for you") to force food upon someone.

3. Do not comment on how much (or how little) someone is eating. Such comments draw unwanted attention to attempts to maintain control of holiday eating.

4. Have some compassion. We don't want to be fat. Losing weight and keeping it off is extraordinarily difficult for some of us. Don't think that you know what our problem is, because you don't. Obesity is a complicated issue with behavioral, emotional and spiritual elements. A single formula that works for everyone has yet to be discovered.

Finally, be supportive. If someone you love is trying to lose weight, be available to listen. Do not judge. -- CHUBBY IN PITTSBURGH

DEAR CHUBBY: Your suggestions are terrific and well worth space in this column. Obesity has reached epidemic proportions in this country, and those who are trying to do something about the problem deserve all the help and support they can get. Dieting is difficult any time of year. But during the holidays with temptation all around, it's especially difficult to make it through the minefield.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been married for 38 years. During the past 10 of them, we have taken up dancing, and folks think we're pretty good.

My problem is, the place where we go has women who have no dancing partner, and they all want to dance with my husband, which leaves me sitting part of the night. There is one woman in particular who is younger than I am and who wants to do all the dances that I like to do with him. She had a dancing partner until just a few months ago. Actually, her husband is there, too, but he doesn't dance.

My husband will tell me he's too tired to dance to anything fast, and then she will ask him and he jumps up. He always says I should go ask other men to dance, but there is really no one there who can dance the way I like. Am I wrong to let this bother me? -- CONFUSED IN WHITE PINE, TENN.

DEAR CONFUSED: It all depends upon how many dances you're sitting out. Your husband is probably flattered by the attention he's getting from all of these partnerless ladies. If one of them asks your husband for a dance that's one of your favorites, speak up and tell her that it's already spoken for -- and she should try again later. It's better than sitting and fuming.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Frustrated and Unappreciated," the mammographer who found it irritating to be asked, "Is this all you do, all day long?" was right on the mark. However, "Frustrated" also needs to gain a deeper understanding of her patients, as well as sensitivity toward them.

Has it not occurred to her that perhaps that question was an attempt at "small talk" by women who felt uncomfortable having a mammogram? Because of my medical and family history, I have had mammograms yearly since I was 35. After 10 years, I still do not find the procedure of having the mammographer touch me to lift, pull and smash a personal part of my body between two plates of plastic something I look forward to or feel comfortable with. Usually the mammographer is a different health-care professional from the prior year, therefore, a stranger. I have had mammographers who made me feel as much at ease as possible, but I have also experienced a few who treated my breast as if a woman was not attached to it.

"Frustrated" needs to understand and empathize. It's important she remember that her job in performing mammographies is more routine for her than it is for her patients. Perhaps understanding this will help her to focus on her patients' feelings, and not become frustrated over a question. -- DOES IT, BUT DOESN'T LIKE IT, SAN ANTONIO, TEXAS

DEAR DOES IT: I suspect that the reason the majority of women "do it but don't like it" has something to do with modesty, and also the fact that it's like stepping up to a slot machine that reminds us of our potential mortality. In fairness to the majority of mammographers, I have found them to be efficient, gentle and caring. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am writing in response to "Frustrated and Unappreciated Mammographer":

Please, do not think for a minute that you are unappreciated. Without your dedication and professionalism, I and many others would be a statistic instead of a survivor. Breast cancer, which has no symptoms, would go undetected without you.

I thank God every day that you "do what you do all day long." I am forever grateful that you were a part of my life. We may not have a chance to thank each of you personally, but for me and all of those others, I say, "Thank you! We need you."

Each day you go to work, another lucky woman may be saved. Together, we will someday wipe out this disease. I am forever in your debt. -- JOY HOPKINS, MARCO ISLAND, FLA.

DEAR JOY: (You are aptly named!) When people are stressed out or ill, they're often unable to express their gratitude to the caring individuals who go the extra mile on their behalf. Your letter is sure to be appreciated not only by mammographers nationwide, but by every health-care professional who reads it.

DEAR ABBY: I'm being married next year and I need to know -- when I send out "save-the-date" cards for my wedding, do I send them to everyone I'm inviting, or only to out-of-town guests? I'm not sure which way to go. What's your advice? -- LAURA IN PHOENIX

DEAR LAURA: "Save-the-date" cards are typically sent to announce forthcoming charity events. You should not send one for a wedding. Your wedding invitations -- which should be sent four to six weeks in advance -- should be enough notice.

However, if you think that some of your prospective guests might have a schedule conflict at that time, telephone them with the good news and ask them to save the date.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my sister called with a wonderful suggestion that we all pool our Christmas money given us by our parents and get them a wonderful gift. I was overjoyed.

When I replied, "I'll send the $40 ASAP," she was shocked. I was deeply hurt to find out the distribution of gifts to me and my siblings was as follows: $40, $40, $150, $150 and $200!

My parents are in their mid-70s and still quite vibrant. All of their children are married with small families and mid- to upper-class incomes. I'm 43, their third-oldest, and have been married 11 years. The $40 was unusual, as past gifts have usually been in the $25-$35 range. I had always assumed that my parents, over the years, had been sending all of us the same gift.

Needless to say, since that call from my sister a year ago, I no longer feel the same about my parents. Their favoritism has hurt me deeply. As this Christmas season approaches, please let your readers know that siblings do share information with each other. -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN OREGON

DEAR SLAPPED: I'm passing your message along. However, before you cut your parents off at the heartstrings, you should tell them exactly what you have told me. There may have been extenuating circumstances, and they deserve a chance to explain why they chose to be more generous with some of their children than others.

DEAR ABBY: I agreed 100 percent with your advice to "Deserted in New Orleans," the man whose wife deserted him and their 5-year-old son. You advised him that if he could let her go without bitterness, he would be the winner in the long run, and to please consider counseling for himself and his son to help them through the heartbreak of being deserted.

We cannot choose or control what others do to us, only how we react to it. At the risk of sounding cynical, "deadbeats" come in all forms -- dads, moms, children who ignore aging parents, spouses who cheat, partners who embezzle, and so on.

Let's hope "Deserted" will hang onto the positive and slough off the negative. By the way, just because he "lets her go without bitterness," he should NOT release her from her financial debts or child-support obligations. When you adopt a child, you agree in a court of law to be responsible for that child as though you birthed him yourself. A college-educated woman with a "good job in Florida" can still do much for her child financially. Good luck and God bless him and his son.

Abby, thanks for all you do. People need to hear supportive words. The ability to encourage others is a God-given gift as important as any other. Please don't reveal my name or location. This is a universal message. -- KINDRED SPIRIT

DEAR K.S.: Thank you for the kind words. When I advised "Deserted" to let his wife go without bitterness, I did not mean to imply that he should do it without legal representation. In a situation such as the one the writer experienced, a lawyer is not only a great comfort, he or she is also an absolute necessity.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "TUNED OUT IN TULSA": To paraphrase Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor and author who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986: More dangerous than anger and hatred is indifference. To be indifferent to suffering is what makes the human being inhuman. Indifference is not a beginning, it is an end -- and it is always the friend to the enemy.

If I were you, I'd tune back in.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)