DEAR ABBY: Last year, my sister called with a wonderful suggestion that we all pool our Christmas money given us by our parents and get them a wonderful gift. I was overjoyed.

When I replied, "I'll send the $40 ASAP," she was shocked. I was deeply hurt to find out the distribution of gifts to me and my siblings was as follows: $40, $40, $150, $150 and $200!

My parents are in their mid-70s and still quite vibrant. All of their children are married with small families and mid- to upper-class incomes. I'm 43, their third-oldest, and have been married 11 years. The $40 was unusual, as past gifts have usually been in the $25-$35 range. I had always assumed that my parents, over the years, had been sending all of us the same gift.

Needless to say, since that call from my sister a year ago, I no longer feel the same about my parents. Their favoritism has hurt me deeply. As this Christmas season approaches, please let your readers know that siblings do share information with each other. -- SLAPPED IN THE FACE IN OREGON

DEAR SLAPPED: I'm passing your message along. However, before you cut your parents off at the heartstrings, you should tell them exactly what you have told me. There may have been extenuating circumstances, and they deserve a chance to explain why they chose to be more generous with some of their children than others.

DEAR ABBY: I agreed 100 percent with your advice to "Deserted in New Orleans," the man whose wife deserted him and their 5-year-old son. You advised him that if he could let her go without bitterness, he would be the winner in the long run, and to please consider counseling for himself and his son to help them through the heartbreak of being deserted.

We cannot choose or control what others do to us, only how we react to it. At the risk of sounding cynical, "deadbeats" come in all forms -- dads, moms, children who ignore aging parents, spouses who cheat, partners who embezzle, and so on.

Let's hope "Deserted" will hang onto the positive and slough off the negative. By the way, just because he "lets her go without bitterness," he should NOT release her from her financial debts or child-support obligations. When you adopt a child, you agree in a court of law to be responsible for that child as though you birthed him yourself. A college-educated woman with a "good job in Florida" can still do much for her child financially. Good luck and God bless him and his son.

Abby, thanks for all you do. People need to hear supportive words. The ability to encourage others is a God-given gift as important as any other. Please don't reveal my name or location. This is a universal message. -- KINDRED SPIRIT

DEAR K.S.: Thank you for the kind words. When I advised "Deserted" to let his wife go without bitterness, I did not mean to imply that he should do it without legal representation. In a situation such as the one the writer experienced, a lawyer is not only a great comfort, he or she is also an absolute necessity.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "TUNED OUT IN TULSA": To paraphrase Elie Wiesel, a Holocaust survivor and author who won the Nobel Peace Prize in 1986: More dangerous than anger and hatred is indifference. To be indifferent to suffering is what makes the human being inhuman. Indifference is not a beginning, it is an end -- and it is always the friend to the enemy.

If I were you, I'd tune back in.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I was married to my high school sweetheart for nine years, until he cheated on me. While I was at home taking care of our 1-year-old son, he was seeing other women. The one he was seeing when we divorced is now his wife.

Since she caused the breakup of my marriage, I really don't want to have anything to do with either of them socially.

I live 1,000 miles away from my family. When I visit them, my stepmother makes it a point to invite my ex and this woman to our family gatherings, including family reunions. The stress has caused me to have health problems. My stepmother is well aware of this.

I don't want to be a party pooper, but my feelings should come first. I am one of nine kids, and she does this only to me. It is very hard to sit across the table from them, as I feel very strongly that they don't belong in the picture. Any advice? -- HEARTSICK IN FORT ST. LUCIE, FLA.

DEAR HEARTSICK: Since your father and stepmother are aware of the circumstances that ended your marriage, and the fact that you are uncomfortable in the presence of your ex-husband and his new wife, but continue to invite them -- face it: They have made a choice, and it isn't you. Before you return for another family reunion, ask them why they invite your ex-husband and his wife, and make your plans accordingly.

DEAR ABBY: Here is another addition to your series on humorous inscriptions on tombstones:

My late husband, Jim Steele, was a sports announcer for WDSU-TV in New Orleans during the 1970s. At the end of his few minutes of live TV sports announcing, he would say, "Time's up. Gotta go."

Jim died Jan. 1, 1991. On his headstone I inscribed, "Time's up. Gotta go." Very appropriate, don't you agree? -- JIM'S LOVING WIFE, GLORIA W. STEELE, METAIRIE, LA.

DEAR GLORIA: Indeed it is. You are not the only reader to comment on the tombstone letter. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The letter you printed about tombstone inscriptions reminds me of two others you might be interested in.

First, on a recent trip to Key West, Fla., we took the Conch Train tour of the city. When we passed an old cemetery, our guide told us of one tombstone inscription: "I TOLD YOU I WAS SICK."

When my first wife died a few years ago, I ordered a headstone for her and one for myself, leaving the final date blank, of course. But I added beneath my name, "OFTEN IN ERROR -- SELDOM IN DOUBT." I hope it gives some visitor a smile. -- G.B.F., GULFPORT, MISS.

DEAR G.B.F.: I'm sure it will! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: The recent letter in your column about tombstones spurred me to write.

"Trouble" was her nickname. She was 80-something and always enjoyed passing me articles in church that brought a smile to my face. God has "Trouble" now, but in memory of her I share this:

ON A TOMBSTONE

Remember, Friend, as you pass by,

As you are now, so once was I.

As I am now, you will be --

So be prepared to follow me.

Under that, in black crayon, was written:

To follow you I am not content --

Until I learn which way you went!

-- REBECCA IN TENNESSEE

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: This is the time of year people begin thinking, "What should I get Mom, Dad and Aunt Tillie for Christmas?" Well, I AM a mom and an Aunt Tillie, and I filled Dad's shoes for more years than I care to count. So, for all of you who haven't a clue what "we" would like, keep reading:

Don't try to buy me happiness with a token gift. Most of all, I'd love just a little of your time.

If you want to buy something for me, I'd appreciate a box of all-occasion greeting cards. A roll of stamps to go with them would also be helpful, so that when my old friends have a reason to celebrate, I'll not have to venture to the store or post office. (An assortment of gift wrap and Scotch tape are another novel idea.)

You all know how much I love flowers -- not the cut bouquets from a florist, but real plants from a nursery, delivered at the right time for planting in the spring. Something like that can be enjoyed all year, and I'll remember your thoughtfulness every time I look at them.

My little doggie needs grooming every month. How about a gift certificate? They make terrific gifts. Also, I would never spend household budget money for a manicure, pedicure or massage, but a gift certificate for one would certainly be welcome. Or one for a car wash, or the next trip to the dry cleaner or shoe repair shop.

What about a gift certificate for a dinner for two, so I can treat a good friend to a meal and company because HER family is also busy? Have you forgotten how much I enjoy Reader's Digest, Family Circle and TV Guide? I can't afford subscriptions anymore, but they would be a lot more welcome than bubble bath that I'm now allergic to.

Also, if you want to give me something, how about a prepaid phone card, or a few bucks prepaid on my telephone bill? And if you're feeling generous, how about contacting the company that aerates my lawn, the chimney sweep or, for that matter, the mechanic who readies my car for winter?

You see, we're not as difficult to buy for as you thought. You have simply forgotten who we really are. We're not "those old people down the street." We're the parents who always knew what you wanted or needed -- because we loved you.

Thanks for the space, Dear Abby. I hope my kids are listening. -- ANY PARENT OR GRANDPARENT, ANYTOWN, U.S.A.

DEAR ANY: Thanks for a letter that's sure to start a lot of people thinking creatively about the Christmas holidays. Another idea is to create customized gift baskets filled with small cans of tuna, salmon, chicken and turkey, hearty soups, and "goodies" that someone on a fixed income might forgo. Put on your thinking caps, folks. The season is at hand!

DEAR ABBY: Every year I read about the urgent need for organ donation, and the tragedy of people who die waiting for one.

Don't you think it would be a good idea to give people a tax rebate who pledged their organs for transplant upon their death? It seems to me it would solve our country's great need for donor organs with a nationwide system of registration and reward.

I was going to send my idea to Washington, but I believe your column would be more effective, and has no political agenda. Do offer this idea to your readers. -- PEGGY MARTIN, VENICE, FLA.

DEAR PEGGY: It's an intriguing idea. One way to make the option more attractive would be for the government to forgive a portion of the inheritance taxes for the families of the donors.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)