DEAR ABBY: I am 23 years old and was previously involved with a man who, at the beginning of our relationship, was married. At the time, I was 17 and about to graduate from high school, and had no previous relationship with a man.

As our relationship progressed, his wife found out about us and divorced him. They had a child who was born in the midst of their divorce. I thought the split would send him flying to my arms. However, that was not the case at all. Instead, he proceeded to sleep with everyone in a skirt who would give him the time of day. He denied our involvement with each other to everyone.

Even knowing all of this, I stayed for three years, and in the process I lost everything -- family, friends, jobs, just about everything I cherished. More important, I lost sight of myself, my goals, and the person I once thought I was. I thought if I loved him enough, he would change. Well, it didn't happen. What did happen was he got someone pregnant and lived with her for a year and a half. It was the last straw for me. I packed up and moved north and regained my life.

I stopped dating for a long time, found the best job I've ever had, and am back in school working on my degree. I am living on my own, and my life is better now than it's been in years.

Recently he left that other woman and has begun to better himself. He has a good job now and has matured a lot in the last five years. We have been talking, and he tells me that he loves me and has asked me to marry him.

Although he and I have been talking, I haven't told anyone in my family or my friends. I know they would not accept him.

Abby, I'm afraid of the outcome. I thought I had closed this chapter in my life, but now I'm not so sure. I always wanted to marry the first man I had ever been intimate with, and he seems genuine this time around. Should I give him a second chance? I know he put me through hell, and I'm leery of repeating it. Should I try again and hope it all works out? -- LOST IN LOVE, WOODLAND HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR LOST IN LOVE: When people ask me whether they should listen to their hearts or their heads, I advise them to listen to the part of their anatomy they THINK with.

It has taken you a long time to get your life back on track. This man sounds like a one-person wrecking crew. Should you try again "and hope it all works out"? Absolutely not.

DEAR ABBY: I have lived on the West Coast for more than 20 years. I go home to the East Coast every summer for four to five weeks. Friends and family insist on always treating when we go out to eat. When I protest, they say, "But we're so delighted that you spend your vacation visiting us," or, "But you spend all that money flying here to visit us."

Some of these people have visited me on the West Coast, and I've thought, "Now it's my turn." However, this time when I offered, the response was, "But you're saving us so much money by providing us a place to stay, use of a car and meals at home."

After all these years, I feel that the scales are very unbalanced. I try to be gracious and appreciative and always send thank-you notes. Can you suggest another strategy, Abby? -- EAST-WEST TRAVELER

DEAR TRAVELER: Since your hosts refuse to let you pay for anything when you visit them, reciprocate by sending them a lovely house gift after your return home. Include with it a short note reiterating how much you enjoyed their hospitality.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am a balloon artist, earning my way through college. I entertain children, families, individuals and couples by creating characters in all shapes and sizes. My services are requested in restaurants, at parties and special events, most often without contracted compensation.

Since balloon artistry is not a common occupation, many people do not realize I depend on tips for my income and to cover the cost of supplies. (Some characters require several balloons to make.) Moreover, those that do tip are not quite certain how much is customary. I would like to suggest the following guideline: $1 per balloon used in the character.

It is heartwarming to watch small children enjoying a balloon made especially for them. I wish I could afford to make them free for everyone. -- ENTERTAINER FOR A LIVING

DEAR ENTERTAINER: This is the first I've heard of balloon artists having to make their living on tips, and I'm sure it will be to many of my readers.

Since your college education depends on running a small business, you must guarantee that you at least break even. Do that by informing potential clients that you charge a minimum amount per day or evening. (After that, what you earn in tips can be called a "balloon payment.") Alternatively, you can post a sign listing the price of your creations, at $1 per balloon.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Mother on the Defensive," who resented her friends disciplining her children, really got my attention. You're going to get lots of mail on that one!

Haven't you seen people who have tunnel vision when it comes to their children's behavior? If you have, apparently you haven't been cooped up with them on vacation.

I never permitted any child to do things in my home that my own children were not allowed to do. If their parents ignored the misbehavior, then I spoke up and told their children to stop running, screaming or whatever. -- VOICE OF REASON IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR VOICE: You're right; I received a barrage of letters from readers who thought I was too easy on the mother. Many of them related stories about visiting children who walked on white couches and porch railings, had tantrums if fragile knickknacks were placed out of their reach, and one who fell off a diving board and broke his arm after having been told to stay away from it. The common denominator in all of them was parents who tolerated the behavior while completely ignoring their function as responsible adults.

"Mother on the Defensive" stated that her children had been "humiliated" by her friends, and were "hesitant to do anything around them for fear of being disciplined." I interpreted that to mean the discipline was excessive, and advised the mother to make it plain to their friends that should the children need discipline, she and her husband would administer it.

However, if no one is supervising the children and stepping in when things get out of hand, someone should. And if the parents fail to assert themselves, another adult must.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: There is a possibility, hopefully slim, that a friend's bride-to-be may not show at the wedding. If this happens, what is the proper protocol for whomever is asked to announce the postponement of the service? What does one say in such a situation? -- WANTS TO BE PREPARED, THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO BE PREPARED: If there is a possibility strong enough to write to an advice columnist that the bride will be a no-show, the wedding should be postponed NOW -- while the guests can still cancel their travel and lodging reservations, and before anyone has gathered for the ceremony.

Were I the person whose duty it was to inform the wedding guests that the wedding was canceled, I would simply say: "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that there has been a change of plans. There will be no wedding today. However, don't let that stop you from enjoying the music and refreshments that have been provided. I'm sure you'll be hearing the details in the weeks to follow."

DEAR ABBY: For many years, I searched for a family project to give added meaning to the holidays and instill in our children the foundations of "social service." Three years ago, at Thanksgiving, I found the perfect project, one our whole family could share.

Since most people get both Thursday and Friday off from work, we decided to spend all of Thanksgiving Day cooking a complete Thanksgiving dinner and delivering it to a needy family. With three children aged 7, 3 and 1 at the time, even the youngest could "help" mash potatoes and bake cookies.

Each year it has given us an opportunity to get acquainted with wonderful people who were in difficult circumstances, experience their joy at receiving these gifts, and feel we have something worthwhile to celebrate at our own Thanksgiving, which we now celebrate on Friday.

This family project has provided us with an altruistic and uplifting focus for the holiday. We have chosen to focus our giving on immigrant families who often work at the most unpleasant and dangerous jobs, and receive the lowest pay. However, any group that has personal meaning to the individual, such as the elderly, people with AIDS and single parents -- the list goes on and on -- would appreciate some special care on Thanksgiving.

Also, before Christmas, the children and I were cleaning out closets to make room for new toys and wishing we could find a good use for the old toys. We made a few calls and located a homeless shelter that welcomed our donation. Abby, we have a limited income, and cannot always afford to contribute to new-toy drives. However, we had an abundance of used-but-still-nice toys my children had outgrown, which made the children in the shelter very happy indeed.

We found our shelter by looking in the Yellow Pages under "Housing Assistance and Shelters" and "Social Service Organizations." If at first you don't connect, keep calling!

This has become a family tradition, and I can't tell you how much it has enriched our lives. -- DARIA DOERING, SAN DIEGO

DEAR DARIA: What an inspiring way you have chosen to teach your children to share their abundance with others. Churches and synagogues can also provide names of families and older people who are in need and would welcome being included in a family celebration. Thank you for providing living proof that it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)