DEAR ABBY: There is a possibility, hopefully slim, that a friend's bride-to-be may not show at the wedding. If this happens, what is the proper protocol for whomever is asked to announce the postponement of the service? What does one say in such a situation? -- WANTS TO BE PREPARED, THOUSAND OAKS, CALIF.

DEAR WANTS TO BE PREPARED: If there is a possibility strong enough to write to an advice columnist that the bride will be a no-show, the wedding should be postponed NOW -- while the guests can still cancel their travel and lodging reservations, and before anyone has gathered for the ceremony.

Were I the person whose duty it was to inform the wedding guests that the wedding was canceled, I would simply say: "Ladies and gentlemen, I regret to inform you that there has been a change of plans. There will be no wedding today. However, don't let that stop you from enjoying the music and refreshments that have been provided. I'm sure you'll be hearing the details in the weeks to follow."

DEAR ABBY: For many years, I searched for a family project to give added meaning to the holidays and instill in our children the foundations of "social service." Three years ago, at Thanksgiving, I found the perfect project, one our whole family could share.

Since most people get both Thursday and Friday off from work, we decided to spend all of Thanksgiving Day cooking a complete Thanksgiving dinner and delivering it to a needy family. With three children aged 7, 3 and 1 at the time, even the youngest could "help" mash potatoes and bake cookies.

Each year it has given us an opportunity to get acquainted with wonderful people who were in difficult circumstances, experience their joy at receiving these gifts, and feel we have something worthwhile to celebrate at our own Thanksgiving, which we now celebrate on Friday.

This family project has provided us with an altruistic and uplifting focus for the holiday. We have chosen to focus our giving on immigrant families who often work at the most unpleasant and dangerous jobs, and receive the lowest pay. However, any group that has personal meaning to the individual, such as the elderly, people with AIDS and single parents -- the list goes on and on -- would appreciate some special care on Thanksgiving.

Also, before Christmas, the children and I were cleaning out closets to make room for new toys and wishing we could find a good use for the old toys. We made a few calls and located a homeless shelter that welcomed our donation. Abby, we have a limited income, and cannot always afford to contribute to new-toy drives. However, we had an abundance of used-but-still-nice toys my children had outgrown, which made the children in the shelter very happy indeed.

We found our shelter by looking in the Yellow Pages under "Housing Assistance and Shelters" and "Social Service Organizations." If at first you don't connect, keep calling!

This has become a family tradition, and I can't tell you how much it has enriched our lives. -- DARIA DOERING, SAN DIEGO

DEAR DARIA: What an inspiring way you have chosen to teach your children to share their abundance with others. Churches and synagogues can also provide names of families and older people who are in need and would welcome being included in a family celebration. Thank you for providing living proof that it is more blessed to give than to receive.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Every year our family gathers at the home of "Aunt Dottie and Uncle Joe" for Christmas dinner. This includes us, our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their children. Aunt Dottie and Uncle Joe used to charge only the adults -- the children ate free -- and the adults also brought along bottles of alcohol. Now the charge is per person, so everyone pays.

Abby, we have no choice in the menu. Aunt Dottie and Uncle Joe plan the meal. If they serve something we don't like, or if we can't stay for the whole meal, don't you think we should get at least a partial refund? Shouldn't we have a say in the menu since we pay for our meals? They don't need the money, but they never offer a refund if we eat little or leave early.

I think a better plan would be for all of us to meet in a restaurant for Christmas dinner, so we'd have a choice. What do you think? -- FED UP IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FED UP: It's unrealistic to expect your aunt and uncle to refund the money for the uneaten food, and having a "committee" create the menu might be more of a hassle for your aunt and uncle than they're willing to accept. Since all of you pay for your own dinner anyway, your suggestion is practical. Mention it to your relatives and see how they react. More than a few may "second" the motion.

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "Uncorked in Hudson, Ohio." I had a similar experience.

Some out-of-town friends came to visit and, upon their arrival, presented us with a bottle of wine, too. Like "Uncorked," I had planned to serve a wine I had selected for dinner and did not open my guests' wine.

The next day, as our guests were leaving, the woman walked into my kitchen, grabbed her bottle of wine, and said that since we didn't drink it, she was taking it with her! I was speechless.

No matter how rude her gesture was, I realized I had hurt her feelings by not serving her wine, and since that experience I have always served the wine my guests bring -- no matter what else I have planned. I would much rather keep my friends than worry about the perfect dinner. -- UNCORKED 2, RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR UNCORKED 2: That's one way of looking at it. Read on for another solution:

DEAR ABBY: In reference to "Uncorked in Hudson, Ohio": I agree that the host was not rude. I always play by the following rules when someone brings wine to the house. If it's wrapped, it is gift and meant to be saved or added to my "collection." If it is not wrapped, it is meant to be served for that meal. This simple rule seems to work well for me. -- CORKED IN ORINDA, CALIF.

DEAR CORKED: If it works for you, it has my blessing. But there is no formal rule of etiquette that dictates that a bottle of wine brought to an informal dinner party as a housegift must be served that evening. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she chooses.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you advised "Clueless in Michigan" to delay telling her daughter that her stepfather is not her biological parent until she is old enough to understand the difference.

NO! Tell her NOW, when she is TOO YOUNG to understand. It should not be done directly, but by occasionally and casually referring to her "other father." If she knows all along that she had "another father," then it will not be a great shock later on when she is able to understand.

The same holds true for adopted children, Abby. From the day they are adopted, they should occasionally be referred to as adopted. Then, when they are old enough to ask, they should be told what it means. -- ROWENA SPENCER, M.D., RETIRED PEDIATRIC SURGEON

DEAR DR. SPENCER: Your thinking makes sense. Thank you for writing. When a fact is presented to a child who is too young to question it, the child simply accepts it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree the baby should be told her father had adopted her, but why wait? Do it right away!

My parents adopted me when I was only 6 days old. From the first minute I was home with them, they began the process of making me comfortable with being adopted. They always referred to me as an infant as their special adopted child. They told me stories all through my childhood about the king and queen who were very sad because they couldn't have children of their own, so they went on a long journey and found a beautiful baby girl by the river who they adopted as their own and made their princess.

They gave birth to a "natural" daughter 10 months after I was born, and when we fought as children -- like ALL children do -- I had been made to feel so special that I often turned the tables and told her, "Well, Mom and Dad didn't get to CHOOSE you!"

I am 28 years old now and have never for a moment had any issues concerning being adopted. I have never for a moment felt a void in my life, or a need to contact my "real" parents. I'm being married in six months, and my real sister is my maid of honor, my real dad is walking me down the aisle, and my real mom is going to be with me every step of the way.

Babies are never too young to understand things on some level, and the best answer to the question of "When did you find out you were adopted?" is, "I've ALWAYS known." -- TOGETHER IN TORONTO

DEAR TOGETHER: Your signature says it all. Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. If there is any question in any reader's mind about when a child should be told it is adopted, I think you have answered that question once and for all.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. My boyfriend is pushing me into things that I don't want to do. I tell him no, but he just ignores me. What should I do? I really like this boy a lot and don't want to hurt his feelings. -- WENDY IN WHITEFORD, MD.

DEAR WENDY: First, stop worrying about hurting his feelings, because by ignoring you when you say "no," he is showing you that he has no qualms about hurting yours.

Wendy, I hope you will take this to heart: No one has the right to pressure you into doing anything you know in your heart is wrong. Draw the line and stand your ground. You will be respected for it.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)