DEAR ABBY: Every year our family gathers at the home of "Aunt Dottie and Uncle Joe" for Christmas dinner. This includes us, our parents, aunts, uncles, cousins and their children. Aunt Dottie and Uncle Joe used to charge only the adults -- the children ate free -- and the adults also brought along bottles of alcohol. Now the charge is per person, so everyone pays.

Abby, we have no choice in the menu. Aunt Dottie and Uncle Joe plan the meal. If they serve something we don't like, or if we can't stay for the whole meal, don't you think we should get at least a partial refund? Shouldn't we have a say in the menu since we pay for our meals? They don't need the money, but they never offer a refund if we eat little or leave early.

I think a better plan would be for all of us to meet in a restaurant for Christmas dinner, so we'd have a choice. What do you think? -- FED UP IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR FED UP: It's unrealistic to expect your aunt and uncle to refund the money for the uneaten food, and having a "committee" create the menu might be more of a hassle for your aunt and uncle than they're willing to accept. Since all of you pay for your own dinner anyway, your suggestion is practical. Mention it to your relatives and see how they react. More than a few may "second" the motion.

DEAR ABBY: I had to laugh when I read the letter from "Uncorked in Hudson, Ohio." I had a similar experience.

Some out-of-town friends came to visit and, upon their arrival, presented us with a bottle of wine, too. Like "Uncorked," I had planned to serve a wine I had selected for dinner and did not open my guests' wine.

The next day, as our guests were leaving, the woman walked into my kitchen, grabbed her bottle of wine, and said that since we didn't drink it, she was taking it with her! I was speechless.

No matter how rude her gesture was, I realized I had hurt her feelings by not serving her wine, and since that experience I have always served the wine my guests bring -- no matter what else I have planned. I would much rather keep my friends than worry about the perfect dinner. -- UNCORKED 2, RICHLAND, WASH.

DEAR UNCORKED 2: That's one way of looking at it. Read on for another solution:

DEAR ABBY: In reference to "Uncorked in Hudson, Ohio": I agree that the host was not rude. I always play by the following rules when someone brings wine to the house. If it's wrapped, it is gift and meant to be saved or added to my "collection." If it is not wrapped, it is meant to be served for that meal. This simple rule seems to work well for me. -- CORKED IN ORINDA, CALIF.

DEAR CORKED: If it works for you, it has my blessing. But there is no formal rule of etiquette that dictates that a bottle of wine brought to an informal dinner party as a housegift must be served that evening. Once a gift is given, it belongs to the recipient to do with as he or she chooses.

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DEAR ABBY: In a recent column you advised "Clueless in Michigan" to delay telling her daughter that her stepfather is not her biological parent until she is old enough to understand the difference.

NO! Tell her NOW, when she is TOO YOUNG to understand. It should not be done directly, but by occasionally and casually referring to her "other father." If she knows all along that she had "another father," then it will not be a great shock later on when she is able to understand.

The same holds true for adopted children, Abby. From the day they are adopted, they should occasionally be referred to as adopted. Then, when they are old enough to ask, they should be told what it means. -- ROWENA SPENCER, M.D., RETIRED PEDIATRIC SURGEON

DEAR DR. SPENCER: Your thinking makes sense. Thank you for writing. When a fact is presented to a child who is too young to question it, the child simply accepts it. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree the baby should be told her father had adopted her, but why wait? Do it right away!

My parents adopted me when I was only 6 days old. From the first minute I was home with them, they began the process of making me comfortable with being adopted. They always referred to me as an infant as their special adopted child. They told me stories all through my childhood about the king and queen who were very sad because they couldn't have children of their own, so they went on a long journey and found a beautiful baby girl by the river who they adopted as their own and made their princess.

They gave birth to a "natural" daughter 10 months after I was born, and when we fought as children -- like ALL children do -- I had been made to feel so special that I often turned the tables and told her, "Well, Mom and Dad didn't get to CHOOSE you!"

I am 28 years old now and have never for a moment had any issues concerning being adopted. I have never for a moment felt a void in my life, or a need to contact my "real" parents. I'm being married in six months, and my real sister is my maid of honor, my real dad is walking me down the aisle, and my real mom is going to be with me every step of the way.

Babies are never too young to understand things on some level, and the best answer to the question of "When did you find out you were adopted?" is, "I've ALWAYS known." -- TOGETHER IN TORONTO

DEAR TOGETHER: Your signature says it all. Congratulations on your forthcoming wedding. If there is any question in any reader's mind about when a child should be told it is adopted, I think you have answered that question once and for all.

DEAR ABBY: I have a problem. My boyfriend is pushing me into things that I don't want to do. I tell him no, but he just ignores me. What should I do? I really like this boy a lot and don't want to hurt his feelings. -- WENDY IN WHITEFORD, MD.

DEAR WENDY: First, stop worrying about hurting his feelings, because by ignoring you when you say "no," he is showing you that he has no qualms about hurting yours.

Wendy, I hope you will take this to heart: No one has the right to pressure you into doing anything you know in your heart is wrong. Draw the line and stand your ground. You will be respected for it.

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DEAR ABBY: My husband's mother has been diagnosed with emphysema and deteriorating lungs. Last April, the doctor's prognosis was that she would die within the year. We decided to move to her hometown to be with her and the family during this time of crisis.

We have discovered that she still smokes cigarettes and doesn't use her oxygen as often as she should. Her doctor ordered her to quit working, so now she is home all day, and all she does is complain and talk about dying. Abby, if she's so worried about dying, why won't she quit smoking and try to make herself better? She is not that old.

She has four wonderful grandchildren to watch grow up, and my husband and I would like her to be around when WE have children. I feel like I'm hitting my head against a brick wall whenever I try to talk to her and give her words of encouragement. She refuses to go to another doctor for a second opinion, which I feel she needs to do.

Abby, what can the family and I do to help her see the light? I'm hopeful that if she sees this letter in the paper, she'll understand what we are going through. -- CONCERNED DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR CONCERNED: Your mother-in-law probably has not stopped smoking because she is hopelessly addicted to cigarettes and feels that because she is terminal, it's useless to fight a battle she has been told she will lose anyway.

Your suggestion that she seek a second medical opinion was excellent. No one should accept a death sentence without seeking a second opinion -- or even a third. Your husband and the other members of the family should schedule an appointment for Mom and see that she keeps it. Where there is life, there is hope.

Your letter is a timely one, because today marks the 23rd annual Great American Smokeout. For those who may not know about it, the Smokeout is an upbeat, good-humored, one-day campaign to encourage smokers to quit smoking for 24 hours -- just to prove to themselves they can do it.

In 1998, 19 percent of smokers (approximately 8,930,000 people) participated in the Great American Smokeout. Of those participating, 10 percent -- more than 890,000 adults -- reported that they were smoking less or not at all one to five days later. That's more than 89,000 people who are well on their way to healthier, smoke-free lives -- thanks to the American Cancer Society.

While "cold turkey" is the most difficult way to quit, I'm told it is also the most effective way to rid oneself of the habit. Those who need help or want more information about the effects of tobacco may call their local chapter of the American Cancer Society or (800) ACS-2345.

And so, Dear Readers, if you're hooked on tobacco and have been saying, "One of these days I've got to quit," why not join the Great American Smokeout and quit today? It won't be easy, but it will be the best holiday present you can give yourself and those who love you.

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