DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Shaking in Harrisburg, Pa." hit close to home. She said her son was being married in a few weeks, and was insisting that she dance with her abusive former husband at the wedding.

My daughter married a year ago, and she was kind enough to realize that asking me to dance with my ex at her wedding was like asking me to dance with the devil himself. She told me she would never put me through it, knowing how hard the divorce was on me.

Abby, I, too, am engaged to a wonderful man now. I never thought life could be so beautiful. At the wedding reception, I stood looking at the man who had hurt me so deeply and took a real hard look at him. I asked myself why I was still so fearful of him even though I had put my life back together. I realized at that moment that I really wouldn't completely put my life back together unless I faced my fear of him.

My children were stunned when I walked over and asked him to dance. I held my head up and looked him straight in the face. He couldn't even look me in the eye. It wasn't long before I realized the man was nothing more than a "weasel," and I actually began to smile. By the time the dance was over, I realized I could put the past behind me. All my fears were gone.

Weeks later, my daughter asked me why I had danced with her father when she knew it was the last thing on earth I wanted to do. I told her the truth -- that I hadn't done it for HER. I did it for ME. She knows the past is finally behind me, and she is proud of me.

Please tell "Shaking" that she needs to face her past fears to really get on with her life and be happy. -- IN CONTROL AT LAST IN MINNESOTA

DEAR IN CONTROL: I applaud you for conquering your fears and going on with your life. However, unless someone is ready to do that, I would never push her. You are not the only reader who identified with "Shaking in Harrisburg" and wanted to offer encouragement. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I danced with my ex-husband at my son's wedding this summer. I can understand why "Shaking" is unhappy, but she might want to give this some consideration:

I view my ex as an emotionally handicapped person and more like a nonfavorite cousin. Because we have children, I feel we will always be "related." I no longer focus on the difficulty of our divorce eight years ago. If her ex still has her shaking, then she's letting him live rent-free in her head. Surely he's not worth it. She should focus on him instead as the man she loved when her son was conceived and born (if that was the case) and how wonderful it was that they produced something so good.

Our 26-year-old daughter was surprised we danced so well together. I reminded her that there were many things we did well together, which is why we married in the first place -- even if it didn't last. -- WISER NOW

DEAR WISER NOW: I congratulate you for your tact, and for handling the situation with humor as well as grace. You're fast on your feet in more ways than one.

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DEAR ABBY: I am a 24-year-old woman with a college degree. I am intelligent, friendly, drink moderately and have never touched drugs. You would think my mother would be satisfied to have a daughter with these attributes; however, she is not. I am single, and that isn't good enough for her.

Mother is constantly mentioning to me about this guy or that guy she met at the grocery store, or a nephew of someone she works with or met at a wedding. She goes on and on, even though I have no interest (and tell her so). Recently I went to a store and a young salesman knew my name. My mother had been in and told him all about me and even showed him my picture. I have told her repeatedly that I do not want her to set me up or talk to men about me, but she continues to do so.

A month ago, she placed an ad in a singles magazine with my information. Doing this required her to forge my signature. I was mystified when I began receiving biographies of "interested" men in the mail. Although I was extremely upset, I haven't confronted her about it. I'm not sure what to say because nothing has ever gotten through to her before.

She has no respect for my privacy or my right to live my own life. She obviously thinks it's necessary for me to land a man, but I live at home and haven't completed my education, so I'm in no hurry to do that. How can I make it clear to my mother that this is not her business? -- AT MY WIT'S END IN MILWAUKEE

DEAR WIT'S END: Showing your picture to strangers and placing an ad in a singles magazine without your knowledge are beyond the realm of normal parental concern, and could actually be dangerous. However, since you have talked to her in the past and asked her to stop, and it hasn't helped, there is nothing you can do to stop your obsessive parent.

My advice: Grit your teeth, complete your education, and then move as far away from her as you can. It's the only way you'll be able to live your own life.

DEAR ABBY: One of my best and oldest friends became engaged to be married five months ago. "Sarah" has put a deposit down on a location, bought her gown and picked out dresses for her three bridesmaids, including me. The problem is that Sarah has yet to pick a maid of honor or even to say she doesn't want one at all.

Whenever anyone asks her who the maid of honor is going to be, she shrugs off the question by saying something like, "I haven't even gone there yet."

Abby, I'm trying to be there for her because I'm her friend, but it seems as if she's trying to avoid the issue, possibly to avoid picking one friend over another. I would like to host a bridal shower for her, but isn't that the responsibility of the maid of honor? I wouldn't be offended if she didn't choose me, but it's difficult to assess my role without knowing for certain what it is. -- JUST A BRIDESMAID?

DEAR JUST A BRIDESMAID: You are a wonderfully supportive friend, but this is a decision the bride must make, and she must make it in her own time. Entertaining for the bride is not solely a privilege of the maid of honor. Bridesmaids may entertain for the bride singly, or as a group.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had to write after reading the letter from "Hurt in Adams Center, N.Y.," the woman whose future mother-in-law is abusive to her because she thinks "Hurt" is "stealing her son away."

Please tell her to run, don't walk, to the nearest therapist and take her fiance with her -- and if therapy doesn't fix things, to please, please, not marry this man. I was once married to such a man and an almost identical set of parents. I was wife No. 2 -- we had both been married before -- and I quickly found out what had happened to his first marriage. His mother didn't want other women around her adored son; this included his daughter from the first marriage. And she was not nice to my children either because she felt "disloyal" to the real grandchild.

My husband simply would not or could not stand up for his bride over the craziness of his parents. The mother walked closely past me in the hall one time and punched me in the stomach as hard as she could. When I let out a howl of protest, this goofy woman actually said she hadn't done such a thing; this was just another example of my trying to cause trouble! She had a way of "needing" his help urgently when she knew something was going on at our house and, every time, my husband would walk out on me to take care of this manipulative woman, his mother.

Again, run, don't walk, to a therapist. Remember, these are the people who raised the fiance to be the person he is. He's been yanked around and manipulated by them all his life -- and there could easily be trouble ahead. -- CRAZY LADY'S FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR FORMER DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: That's good advice, providing the couple will heed it. If it doesn't help them deal with the problem, at least it will help them gain insight. I have a stack of letters 6 inches high from women who have experienced the same problem. Every single one said to break the engagement and run like the devil. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Please tell "Hurt in Adams Center" to put on her running shoes and exit that relationship as soon as possible. My ex-in-laws didn't approve of me, either.

At the wedding and reception they refused to be in any photograph that I was in. (How many wedding pictures have you seen without the bride?) My former mother-in-law called friends of mine and told them what an awful wife she thought I was, and my husband refused to intercede because he was sure everything would get better once children arrived.

After 18 months of this abuse, I got a divorce. I am now very happily married to someone else, and his mother and I get along just fine. -- DIXIE DARLING

DEAR DIXIE DARLING: I advised "Hurt" that her fiance and his mother were still attached by an emotional umbilical cord, and the only person who could successfully sever it was her fiance -- by making it clear to his mother that he expected his future wife to be treated with courtesy and respect.

To that I will add: If he is unable to do that, then she must read the handwriting on the wall. Better a broken engagement than a bitter divorce.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)