DEAR ABBY: In a recent letter, a young woman said she didn't need a man to open the door for her. I just had to respond to that statement. After 14 years of marriage, my husband and I agreed he would go back to that old-fashioned courtesy of opening the car door for me. (He has always opened doors for me at buildings.) We thought this would remind us that we are still "dating" and to treat each other in a special way. I wait, he opens my door, I smile and thank him, he smiles back and holds my hand as we walk along. At first I thought this little ritual seemed forced; now it feels natural and we like the results. I think it has made us more aware and more considerate of each other.

Our daughters, ages 14 and 10, cannot say enough about how stupid they think this courtesy is. They think I'm the one insisting my husband do this. They can't believe I would put him through it -- let alone be willing to wait the few extra seconds it takes for him to walk around the car to open my door. They don't realize they are taking for granted their parents acting in a loving way toward each other! I feel cherished and connected to my husband all the time, and these little outward acts of courtesy have a remarkable effect on our relationship.

Last night at a parents' meeting at school, my husband sweetly held my hand the entire time. I noticed other parents not doing the same.

We have been at this little experiment in "old-fashioned" manners for more than a year now, and neither of us would ever go back. I realize that the married generations before me understood the value of seemingly meaningless outward gestures. Of course, I am strong enough to open my own doors, but it's not an insult that my husband wants to do it for me. Small gestures go a long way toward reminding us of our constant courtship. -- STILL DATING, KELLER, TEXAS

DEAR STILL DATING: You'll get no argument from me. At the risk of irritating some feminists, I must say that I've never been offended when a gentleman opened a door for me, helped me with my chair or stood when I entered a room. I have always regarded it as a gesture of respect. When a man acknowledges my femininity with an act of chivalry, I always thank him for it.

DEAR ABBY: My parents were married nearly 40 years when my father passed away. About a year later, my mother remarried. A year after she remarried, my father's mother passed away.

At my grandmother's funeral, my uncle referred to my mother as my grandmother's "former daughter-in-law." The same term was used in the obituary submitted by the family.

My mother was hurt by this characterization, as she feels that she was always a good daughter-in-law, and always maintained the mother-in-law/daughter-in-law relationship even after my father passed away. She feels that despite the passing of my father and her subsequent remarriage, she should have nevertheless been referred to as my grandmother's daughter-in-law and NOT "former" daughter-in-law. -- THE FORMER GRANDCHILD

DEAR GRANDCHILD: I'm sure your uncle meant no offense. His reasoning may have been that regardless of how loving your mother's relationship was with her mother-in-law, her remarriage made her a "former" daughter-in-law. From his point of view, it seems perfectly logical.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: Chills went through my body as I read the letter from "Torn in N.Y." asking if she should tell her children about their father's suicide. I quickly scanned to the bottom to see who had sent it. I was sure it was from someone I knew.

In 1978, my grandfather, with whom I was very close, committed suicide. I was only 4, and to ease the pain my parents told me he had "accidentally" killed himself. I never questioned their word.

One day in second grade, I was riding a bus to school. Another girl asked me if it was my grandfather who had killed himself. I adamantly denied it, but could think of little else the entire day.

When I returned home, my mother said we could talk about it when my dad got home from work. I'll never forget the looks on their faces when I asked if it was true. Yes, it was true, and it broke my heart. I cried for days, unable to understand why my grandfather would have killed himself.

I soon came to understand the depression from which he and many others in his family had suffered. He was not alone in committing suicide. His father, brother and sister had also taken their own lives. My father also battled with depression.

As I reached adolescence, I, too, became depressed. Talking with my family helped alleviate the pain I felt. I urge the mother of those preteens to tell the children the truth. The truth will set them free.

I wish my parents had told me the truth in the beginning. But I am glad I found out when I was young. I pray daily for my extended family members, who also suffer from depression, to seek help and talk with their families about it. As my mother says, "A family is only as sick as its secrets." -- KNOWING IN THE NORTHWEST

DEAR KNOWING: Thank you for sharing your firsthand experience. One of the problems with depression is that people often don't realize they have it, and therefore they don't seek help for it. It is not a "weakness." It can be a very serious health problem.

Depression can affect the entire body. The symptoms can include vague physical complaints, including a host of sleep and eating disturbances, coupled with loss of enjoyment in activities formerly pleasurable. It can affect the way people feel about themselves and the way they perceive everyday events. Persistent sadness, feelings of worthlessness, hopelessness and anxiety, and withdrawal from friends and activities may be signs of depression.

A depressive illness is NOT a passing "blue" mood. While it's normal to feel sad or moody once in a while, if this feeling lasts for more than two weeks, the problem could be depression.

The good news is that between 80 percent and 90 percent of people with depression can be successfully treated with counseling and/or medication. It is very important to talk with someone to determine if you have depression and where to seek help.

To learn more about depression, its signs and treatment, call your local mental health association or the National Mental Health Association: (800) 969-6642.

Children and teens who are experiencing depression should discuss it with their parents or school nurse.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the director of a rehabilitation program for the chronically mentally ill. From time to time, I notice that you print letters that deal with stereotypes and negative attitudes society often holds toward certain groups. I wonder if you might print a similar letter on behalf of people who have a mental illness. One of the foremost issues facing this group is the negative prejudice that society holds against them.

I asked our group of patients to provide suggestions on how to treat a person who has a mental illness. Some of their ideas:

1. Don't be afraid of us. Despite what you see on TV and in the movies, studies have shown that the mentally ill population does not have a greater propensity toward violence than anyone else.

2. Please avoid negative stereotypical words such as "psycho," "nuts," "schizo," "loonies," etc. The emotional pain these dehumanizing words inflict upon us hurts worse than our illness does.

3. Give us a job opportunity. Abraham Lincoln and Winston Churchill, both of whom experienced mental illness, held two of the most important jobs in history. Many of us are intelligent and long for the chance to be productive members of society.

4. Please don't tell us that if we just tried harder we could "snap out of it." This insults our intelligence and implies that we are lazy. There is nothing fun or positive about having a mental illness and none of us choose to have it.

5. Be patient when you notice we are having a difficult time. It is OK to ask us if we need help.

6. Don't ask if we have taken our medication when we are angry, sad or irritable. These questions make us feel like we don't have the right to experience normal human emotions without being viewed as having an "episode."

7. Treat us like you would treat anyone else. We have a need for acceptance, just as you do. Most of us lead quite normal lives complete with families, children, employment and financial responsibilities.

Abby, with the help of recent medications and psychotherapy interventions, the treatment of mental illness has made tremendous strides in the last 10 years. Unfortunately, the prejudice against this group remains one of the most painful aspects of the disease. -- MIKE ASHWORTH, Ph.D., ARLINGTON, TEXAS

DEAR DR. ASHWORTH: You have written a very important letter. There is a lot of ignorance and misunderstanding about mental illness. Some mental illnesses can be managed effectively with therapy and medication. Others can be cured entirely. People coping with mental illness have enough complicated challenges to overcome without having to deal with the irrational fears of the supposedly "normal."

Let's face it -- there are few among us who don't have a few "kinks" here or there.

DEAR ABBY: I need help. My neighbor likes to water his lawn using my garden hose and my water. My husband and I do not wish to have a fight over it since we have to live next door to him. Aside from installing a sprinkler system, do you have any suggestions on how to handle this?

When we see him, he pretends that he's watering our flowers -- but he's really watering his lawn. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: When you're finished watering your lawn, put the hose away in a locked shed or garage. Or consider installing a locking device on the handle of the spigot, making it more difficult for your shameless neighbor to tap into your water supply.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)