DEAR ABBY: I recently watched a country music award given to two men. The first to speak hogged the mike, gabbed about his sick child at home, thanked everyone in the music business and then invited his partner to speak. As the other man approached the mike, the first remembered he hadn't thanked his wife, shouldered his way back in and droned on about how many years they had been together, yadda-yadda-yadda.

The partner looked sad as the music came up and they went to commercial. I felt angry that he wasn't acknowledged and didn't get to say a word or two. It happens so often, I wanted to comment.

At every Oscar, Emmy, Grammy, etc., award ceremony, every double or group award has one windbag who grabs the mike, tells his kids to go to bed and thanks everyone from his kindergarten teacher to his mailman while the others wait patiently until the allotted time runs out. It hurts to see the pained expressions on the faces of the partners whose finest hour is ruined by a selfish, egotistical microphone hog.

Since we know we can't teach them to be considerate and to share, maybe the awards committee could make new rules that would stifle the selfish windbags and eliminate those endlessly long programs. What do you think? -- RUTH W., VIRGINIA BEACH, VA.

DEAR RUTH: Take a bow. You deserve a standing ovation for saying what a great many members of a captive audience have long been thinking. In the days of vaudeville, a long-handled hook was used to remove lingering performers from the stage.

DEAR ABBY: After reading the letter from "Frustrated," who was looking for an alternative to a religious wedding ceremony, may I suggest secular Humanist clergy?

I am a Humanist minister from the Humanist Society of Friends whose celebrants, ministers, chaplains, counselors and pastors are all secular Humanists. You can find us throughout the United States and Canada. For details, your readers can call the American Humanist Association toll-free number: (800) 743-6646, or e-mail them at humanism@juno.com.

I have performed nonreligious weddings, funerals and naming ceremonies since 1963, when I first obtained my license from the state of Ohio to solemnize marriages. My state license is identical to that of any other clergy. -- DR. RICK RICKARDS, CLEVELAND

DEAR DR. RICKARDS: Thank you for pointing this out. After I printed that letter, I was flooded with letters from readers telling me that Humanist celebrants function the same way members of traditional clergy do -- with one exception: They are nontheists.

Many people also wrote to remind me that Unitarian Universalist ministers are also willing to perform ceremonies without reference to God. The telephone number of the Unitarian Universalist Association is (617) 742-2100. Their Web address is: www.uua.org/main.html.

To all of you who took the time to write, thank you for the input.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Stuart" decried what he felt was the tragic rebirth of bigotry today, here and elsewhere. Whenever I hear about intolerance, I'm reminded of an old poem. (I do not know the author.) It made me think. Perhaps it will touch one of your other readers as well. -- GEORGE R. GOLDIE IV, OXNARD, CALIF.

DEAR GEORGE: The poem is long, but it's well worth space in this column. Read on:

THE COLD WITHIN

Six humans trapped in happenstance

In dark and bitter cold,

Each one possessed a stick of wood,

Or so the story's told.

Their dying fire in need of logs

The first woman held hers back,

For of the faces around the fire,

She noticed one was black.

The next man looking across the way

Saw not one of his church,

And couldn't bring himself to give

The fire his stick of birch.

The third one sat in tattered clothes

He gave his coat a hitch,

Why should his log be put to use,

To warm the idle rich?

The rich man just sat back and thought

Of the wealth he had in store,

And how to keep what he had earned,

From the lazy, shiftless poor.

The black man's face bespoke revenge

As the fire passed from sight,

For all he saw in his stick of wood

Was a chance to spite the white.

The last man of this forlorn group

Did naught except for gain,

Giving only to those who gave,

Was how he played the game.

The logs held tight in death's still hands

Was proof of human sin,

They didn't die from the cold without,

They died from the cold within.

DEAR ABBY: I am a mammographer. I do screening and diagnostic mammograms for a living. I have a problem that seems to bother me more and more each day. I am asked several times a day, "Is this all you do, ALL DAY LONG?"

I find this question extremely irritating. I save lives. I have to bite my tongue to prevent sarcasm. Abby, how would you respond? -- FRUSTRATED AND UNAPPRECIATED

DEAR FRUSTRATED: I would just say "yes." And I'd add with a smile: "Isn't it wonderful that we have this life-saving technology? Before we had the miracle of mammography, cases of breast cancer usually went undiagnosed until it was too late."

But don't be angry or sarcastic about a question that is asked out of ignorance.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to add another thought to "Teacher Who Cares About the Future," who discussed undisciplined children in the classroom. If a child seems bored or consistently misbehaves in class, the parents should have his or her eyes checked.

When my grown son was small, he used to hate his first-grade class. He'd hide under his bed and plead with me not to make him go to school. His first-grade teacher had put his desk out in the hall with the wet boots and coats, and another time had forced him to sit in a corner on a stool wearing a dunce cap.

My son's eyes had been tested by a specialist who examined each eye separately and said there were no vision problems. Not true! Just to be sure, I took him to another doctor, who tested his eyes together. Sure enough, the eyes did not work properly together. Was it any wonder he couldn't do his school work? When he tried to read, the little fellow saw double, backward and blurred!

Fortunately, the doctor was able to help. Today our son is a radio engineer with a large station and is a happily married father of two. We didn't give up until we found help -- and it was certainly well worth it. -- PROUD MOTHER IN NEVADA

DEAR PROUD MOTHER: I'm pleased that your story had a happy ending. It reinforces how important it can be to get a second opinion if a diagnosis is in question.

DEAR ABBY: "Debbie in Memphis" wrote that she is still living with her unfaithful husband while they save money for a divorce. She complained that the other woman in the triangle made frequent calls to the house, and it angered her.

Abby, what the other woman is doing is called HARASSMENT. The telephone companies have regulations in place to deal with it. Debbie should alert her telephone company, and the representative will tell her whether or not to involve the police.

If necessary, the telephone company can tap the phone and document the harassing calls. With this documentation, the phone company can revoke the harasser's phone service.

No one should have to suffer this sort of psychological assault, and Debbie's hands are cleaner if the woman brings the consequences on herself. -- KAREN GREENBAUM-MAYA, PH.D., CLINICAL PSYCHOLOGIST, CLAREMONT, CALIF.

DEAR KAREN: Well said. I'm passing that information along to my readers. Many will be interested to learn that the telephone company is willing to lend an ear as well as a hand, should the need arise. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I am responding to the letter from "Debbie in Memphis," who said her husband had an affair and ended it. She and her husband are sharing the same house while saving the money to get a divorce, but the other woman continues to call the house frequently.

Abby, Debbie can get "call blocking" for a small service fee. When the other woman calls, she will get a busy signal. This may not be a long-term solution, but perhaps it would tide her over until she can get the divorce and move. -- BEEN THERE IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR BEEN THERE: Thanks for a good idea. Why didn't I think of that?

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