DEAR ABBY: I have been with my fiance for two years. We've been engaged for six months. He refuses to set a wedding date, and his whole attitude toward me and our relationship has changed. Now he wants to go to bars with his friends without me. In fact, he never wants to go anywhere with me.

When our relationship first started, we decided we had found each other, and there was no need to go to bars any longer. Especially now that we're engaged!

Abby, I feel like he doesn't love me anymore, or he's ashamed of me. I don't know if it's already over and he doesn't know how to escape -- or if I should hold on. I love him more than anything and want to marry him and grow old with him. But how do I know if he feels the same? He says he does. What do I do now? -- HEARTBROKEN IN KNOXVILLE

DEAR HEARTBROKEN: It seems your fiance still has some wild oats to sow. In a healthy relationship, a person's actions and words are the same, but this young man is saying one thing and doing something else.

Call off the engagement. Since he refuses to set a date, it wasn't much of an engagement anyway. You deserve a husband who loves you more than anything and wants to marry you and grow old with you. You haven't found him yet!

DEAR ABBY: I would like to comment on the letter that appeared in your column from the woman who attended a housewarming and discovered camellias floating in the toilet of the master bathroom. It was a "subtle" way of discouraging guests from using that toilet. You said you thought the idea was "all wet."

Well, I think your answer was all wet! I saw nothing wrong with what the hostess did -- and you can quote me! -- GERM-PHOBIC IN GEORGIA

DEAR GERM-PHOBIC: You are not the only person who disagreed with my answer. And I apologize for attempting to be flip. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You agreed with the letter writer that the hostess should open her entire home to guests. Well, I strongly disagree. Why tempt guests to look in your personal medicine cabinet, or check out (or remove) your jewelry? Some people will just make themselves at home. Don't you remember the letter about the hostess who put marbles in her medicine cabinet? If her powder room isn't sufficient to accommodate her guests, perhaps she invited too many guests! -- SUSAN SMITH, ELK GROVE, CALIF.

DEAR SUSAN: I remember, I remember! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: Two years ago, I gave a party with about 18 people in attendance. I was gracious enough to allow my guests to use my master bath -- and was "rewarded" by having about $15,000 worth of jewelry stolen from me.

Now when I give parties, the master bathroom is off-limits, and I keep my bedroom door locked! -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN DIAMONDHEAD, MISS.

DEAR BEEN THERE: How depressing! However, thank you for enlightening me to one of the realities of entertaining as the year 2000 rolls around. May I suggest you screen your guests more carefully next time?

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I hope you will publish my letter so do-gooders will stop and think before they do more harm than good.

I used to love my back yard. It was a bit unkempt, but my husband is gone and I am elderly. However, the yard was mine. The flowers my husband planted gave me great joy -- until a well-meaning neighbor decided to bring her five teen-agers over one day, when I was not home, to "neaten up" my yard. She was trying to teach them concern for others.

I like these people. They were so happy about "surprising" me by cleaning up my yard that I didn't have the heart to tell them that the "weeds" they had pulled up were my lovely perennials that were about to bloom! And the "overgrown" evergreens were there to block the view of the neighbor's messy dog run. Now they are trimmed down to almost nothing, and the view is disgusting!

Abby, my yard is no longer mine, and I have shed many tears over the loss.

Please remind your readers that if they want to help, they should ASK first -- and not just take over. -- HURT BY GOOD INTENTIONS IN MICHIGAN

DEAR HURT: Your point is well taken -- and I'm printing your letter as a warning to well-intentioned people who may be tempted to make the innocent mistake your neighbor made. Take comfort in the fact that the evergreens will grow back.

Now dry your tears, call your well-meaning neighbor, and tell her that you have one more job for her and the kids -- to take you to a plant nursery to select replacements for the perennials your beloved husband had planted that gave you so much joy each summer. It will be a learning experience for all of you.

DEAR ABBY: "Sexless in Seattle" seems totally focused on developing an intimate relationship with the desirable widower, but never a mention of marriage.

For many, many people, marriage comes first, then intimacy follows naturally. Perhaps this is the case of morality, not pathological grief. If his first marriage was good, an intimate relationship would seem to be infidelity, adultery or fornication.

The more fitting solution is the marriage ceremony to put closure to the first marriage and end the grieving process. -- A.V.G. IN FLORIDA

DEAR A.V.G.: I agree that for many people marriage comes first. However, if morality were the issue, the man wouldn't have been making and breaking promises to the woman for nearly a year. Instead, he would have told her plainly -- and proudly -- that he doesn't condone sex outside of marriage. That's the honorable thing to do, and it would have saved her a lot of pain.

DEAR ABBY: For years I have plagued my friends, neighbors, acquaintances, etc. concerning a piece about the "Bigger family." In trying to determine who was bigger, the situation became quite complicated. The youngest member of the family was a baby, therefore he was bigger because he was a "Little Bigger."

Uncle Bigger passed away and was buried down by the mill. He was then bigger because he was "Bigger by a dam site."

I would be thankful if you could find a copy of the piece, Abby. Thanks! -- H.R. MANUEL, ALAMO, TEXAS

DEAR H.R.: I'm sure my readers will be as intrigued with your piece as I was -- and if it's familiar to anyone and I receive a copy, I'll forward it to you. Just remember -- bigger isn't necessarily better.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am absolutely outraged. I am a young woman of 23 who was brought up by parents who knew my whereabouts every minute of the day until I was married. Now, as the manager of a suburban fast-food restaurant, I am the supervisor and confidante to a number of fine teen-agers.

These kids come from well-to-do homes, but their parents are totally irresponsible. My current pique stems from a robbery 10 days ago. I and two workers, both 17-year-old girls, were closing up late Friday night when we were confronted by several armed men. The rules are strict: Don't resist. We didn't. The three of us were taken into the back room, bound hand and foot with duct tape, gagged and left hog-tied on the floor. When the men left, we struggled but it was evident that we wouldn't be able to break loose or go for help.

My husband was working night shift and would not miss me -- but surely, I thought, the girls' parents would come looking for them. As we huddled together, unable to do much more than mumble through the tape on our mouths, I listened for the sound of cars and the girls' worried parents. I figured it would be an hour at worst. Abby, THEY NEVER CAME! The phone never even rang. Workers arriving at 6 a.m. found us still bound and huddling. We had spent the entire night tied up on the floor, and the girls were apparently not missed.

At this point, I actually feel more anger toward the parents of these girls than for the men who robbed us. We were not hurt, and I can understand why it was necessary to tie us up. But what kind of parents are unaware when their teen-aged daughters are gone all night? I am ... BOUND AND BOILING IN PENNSYLVANIA

DEAR BOUND AND BOILING: You have written a letter that is sure to generate comments, and I don't blame you for being outraged. As long as children live under their parents' roof, they are the responsibility of the parent. Because children come from well-to-do homes does not automatically guarantee that they have caring, involved, concerned parents. In this case, I would say that the parents weren't doing an adequate job -- and that everyone concerned is fortunate this episode didn't end in a tragedy.

DEAR ABBY: Thank you for your recent acknowledgment of jurors. I, too, have been called for jury duty, and I griped and grumbled during the process. I will never gripe again.

Last year my father was murdered. The perpetrator was tried in April. The jury did an incredible job of deliberating for 14 hours after a three-day trial. They are to be commended for doing one of the hardest things a human being has to do -- to sit in judgment of another person.

I would like to thank the men and women who are willing to go through such an ordeal. -- ELIZABETH IN WINTER PARK, FLA.

DEAR ELIZABETH: I would like to thank them, too. As your traumatic experience illustrates, it's vital that our juries be composed of dedicated and conscientious citizens who are willing to make the sacrifice and do their duty.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)