DEAR ABBY: I think you came up short in your reply to "Dreading September," the woman expecting twins. She is concerned about having to deal with both her controlling mother-in-law and a potential visit from her sister-in-law's family immediately after the children are born. You advised her to accept her mother-in-law's love, reassure her, and tune her out. As for her sister-in-law, you said she should have them put off the visit until she has a firmly established schedule. Good advice -- but it's directed at the wrong person.

As the father of triplets, I know this situation and can tell you that without her husband's close involvement, she will surely be jeopardizing her relationship with these people.

When my children were born, my parents also wanted to immediately come for a visit. I loved them, but they had always been "high maintenance" guests, and Mother had an opinion on everything. It was very difficult telling them they could not come see their grandchildren until we had established a routine, but it had to be done. Even when they came, six weeks after the kids were born, I insisted they stay in a motel. They didn't like it but accepted it because it came from me.

This woman's husband needs to get a spine and put his priorities in order. His wife and children come first. HE needs to be the one to gently but firmly, and repeatedly if necessary, tell his mother to back off. He should also tell his sister that they cannot come for a visit right away. If they hear it from him, they'll be mad, but they'll get over it. If they hear it from her, they'll hold it against her forever. -- BEEN THERE, DONE THAT IN N.Y.

DEAR BEEN THERE, DONE THAT: I was surprised by the amount of mail that was generated -- and several other parents of twins echoed your sentiments. Read on for more comments:

DEAR ABBY: Your advice to "Dreading September" was sound. When I became pregnant with twins, my husband was elated. In fact, he was so excited he invited a steady stream of family members to visit anytime. After three days of constant distractions, I was exhausted. Nights are very long with twins, and I needed every quiet daytime moment to care for myself, eat and rest.

My OB gave me some wise advice. She said that what my babies needed most was a healthy mother. And if I didn't focus on recovering from childbirth and adjusting to parenting twins, I'd wind up in the hospital myself.

The best I could offer was ONE HOUR in which everyone could visit together. Sound controlling? You bet. But the babies are the first priority -- and they need Mommy! -- LUCKY TO HAVE TWINS IN L.A.

DEAR LUCKY: Your twins are lucky to have a mother who has her head on straight. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I would like to tell "Dreading" that she's wise to plan ahead for her rest and well-being after giving birth. One way to defuse self-appointed advice-givers is to mention that she is interested only in receiving suggestions from mothers of twins!

Organizations such as La Leche League and the Mothers of Twins Clubs are good sources for parents. -- JUDY IN STOCKBRIDGE, GA.

DEAR JUDY: Thank you for the reminder. Several readers mentioned twins clubs, and there's even one for parents of triplets. Those who want to learn more about twins clubs should write: National Organization of Mothers of Twins Clubs, P.O. Box 23188, Albuquerque, N.M. 87192-1188, or visit the Web site: http://www.nomotc.org/.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I would like to warn women, especially young women, about the danger of giving their car keys -- with their house keys attached -- to anyone.

A good friend's daughter went to a well-known tire company to have a flat repaired while she waited. Without thinking, she handed her key ring with all her keys on it to the serviceman and waited. What she didn't know is that most of these places also have machines that make copies of keys. One of the servicemen copied her apartment key, and two days later entered her apartment late at night and raped her.

This was a business she frequented, and they had all the information in their computer about where she lived, her phone number, etc. The man was caught months later and the police found out that he had done this before. He is now in jail, and my friend's daughter is trying to go on with her life.

I called my daughter right away and told her this story so she could learn from it, too.

Please, Abby, warn your readers to have their personal keys on another key ring or have a key ring that separates the car keys from one's personal keys. Perhaps this will save another woman from tragedy. -- MARILYN IN MARIETTA, GA.

DEAR MARILYN: You may never know how many tragedies you have prevented today. Your letter is a chilling reminder, and I hope my readers will heed it.

DEAR ABBY: I am a 32-year-old physician who has recently been seeing a wonderful woman who is caring, funny, and has a beautiful heart. I am very much in love with her.

The problem? Her table manners. I feel bad for letting such a trivial issue bug me, but my brothers, sister and I were raised with emphasis on table manners. It was a great source of pride for my mother and grandmother, so I am having a difficult time ignoring the matter.

We live in a small town where people frequently invite each other to dinner. I confess I am concerned about what others may think.

Abby, I know this is a petty issue in the grand scheme of things, but I'm having a hard time ignoring it. Have you any suggestions on how to give her pointers on manners without embarrassing her? -- LOOKING FOR THE WORDS

DEAR LOOKING: Begin by listing all the qualities you love about her, then explain to her there is one area in which her parents shortchanged her -- her table manners. After that, tell her exactly what you have told me and offer to coach her. You'll be doing her a great favor. Also, there are books available on the subject of etiquette. I highly recommend those by Letitia Baldrige.

DEAR ABBY: You erred when you told "Needs to Know" that there is no difference between "black tie" and "formal." For men, at least, there is a difference.

"Black tie" indicates that the men should wear tuxedos. "Formal" means that white tie and tails are indicated.

We don't see much formal attire in this country anymore, but that's what President Kennedy wore at his inauguration. -- DAVID CASH, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DAVID: More than a few readers pointed out that my answer was incorrect -- that although black tie and white tie are both "formal," white tie is MORE formal. Thank you for clarifying this.

DEAR ABBY: You erred when you told "Needs to Know" that there is no difference between "black tie" and "formal." For men, at least, there is a difference.

"Black tie" indicates that the men should wear tuxedos. "Formal" means that white tie and tails are indicated.

We don't see much formal attire in this country anymore, but that's what President Kennedy wore at his inauguration. -- DAVID CASH, SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR DAVID: More than a few readers pointed out that my answer was incorrect -- that although black tie and white tie are both "formal," white tie is MORE formal. Thank you for clarifying this.

DEAR ABBY: "Travel Terror" asked if she should agree to her husband buying an RV, in spite of the fact that he has a lead foot and ignores her when she asks to use a restroom or buy refreshments. You told her not to go along with it. Abby, you have probably set the wheels in motion for a divorce.

If they bought an RV, especially if it were a motor home, her bladder problems would be solved. I don't know of one that doesn't have a bathroom in it. If they bought a fifth wheel or other kind of towed RV, then stops would have to be made for potty breaks -- but for gosh sakes, I don't know an RVer who doesn't enjoy making those stops to stretch and take in the scenery, or to have an enjoyable lunch along the road.

Her worries about his speeding would also more than likely not be a problem in an RV. An RV, which is three to four times the size of a car, is also three to four times harder to stop in an emergency. Most RV drivers become very cautious and tend to judge their following distances much more carefully than if they were driving a car. As for driving until the tank is empty, my motor home carries 100 gallons of fuel and I cannot drive 600 miles without stopping.

I'd say to "Travel Terror," "Go for it, honey. Enjoy vacations like you have never known before." An RV with a happy couple in it becomes vacation transportation, just as a cruise ship, airplane, train or bus -- and the feeling of getting away from it all and having fun overwhelms any other problems. -- JOHN W. STROBEL III, VENTURA, CALIF.

DEAR JOHN: And an RV with an unhappy couple in it is like putting two wildcats in a hatbox! From your description of yourself, you appear to be a reasonable person and a considerate traveling companion -- the polar opposite of "Travel Terror's" husband. I seriously doubt that buying a larger vehicle would magically turn him into someone who gives a darn about the feelings of his passenger. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: A friend of mine confided to me how she resolved the problem of convincing her husband to make rest stops on long car trips. She put a water pill (diuretic) in his coffee just before they left home. On the way to their destination, without a word, he calmly pulled into a rest stop -- and from then on, he never again complained about his wife wanting to stop. -- "K" IN TEXAS

DEAR "K": Now that's a novel idea, but I wouldn't recommend it for everyone. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: You missed the boat with your advice to the lady who was uncertain about buying a recreational vehicle because of her husband's conduct. Saying "no" only makes the husband resentful. A better idea would be to rent an RV, agree to the "trip rules" ahead of time, and write them down to be posted in the RV. Then take a trip or two and see how it goes. Perhaps he will change and they will have many years of new adventures. -- JUDY TWENTYMAN, ENCINO, CALIF.

DEAR JUDY: I like the way you think -- you are a born diplomat! I'm not sure the outcome would be different, but your solution is less confrontational than mine. I'm sorry I didn't think of it.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)