DEAR ABBY: I just finished reading the letter from "A Teacher Who Cares About the Future." I was saddened when I read your comment that "extremely bright children may act out because they are bored."

Our society has reached a sad state when it excuses unacceptable behavior on the premise that it's OK because of the so-called "brilliance" of the offending child. If a child is truly brilliant, he or she can learn to set limits, learn constructive things to do with his or her time, and continue to excel at his or her own rate without disturbing other children.

My children range in age from 15 to 26. All have been considered "extremely bright" by their teachers. One tested brighter than any child ever tested by our school psychologist during academically talented testing in our school district. Was she ever bored? Yes, often. Did she ever long for more challenges? I'm sure she did. Did she ever, ever once act out in school? Never!

Instead of acting out when she was little, she took extra books and projects to do in her spare time. A wise principal once told me to put her in dance and music classes -- and anything else in which she seemed interested. He said she needed to excel in many areas, or she could become bored in a few. I also volunteered regularly in her classrooms to give the teacher time to spend with other children on both ends of the academic spectrum.

Abby, limits need to be set and children need to be held to them. I am eternally grateful to the teachers who challenged each of my children to be the best that they could be. It has paid off handsomely.

Parents: Stop blaming the schools and look in the mirror! -- HAPPY MOM IN LAS VEGAS

DEAR HAPPY MOM: While I agree with much of your thinking, the statement that extremely bright children may act out because they are bored was made to me by an early childhood learning specialist whom I trust.

It is essential that physical problems be ruled out as a cause of misbehavior. Mature children have the ability to entertain themselves and to use their time constructively. Children with learning disabilities or ADHD may not. However, this does not relieve parents from the responsibility of teaching their children respect for authority and what is -- and is not -- appropriate behavior. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I applaud the advice from both you and the "Teacher Who Cares." I have been a schoolteacher and a principal. Children need to be taught respect for adults and authority. They need to accept the word "no." You would be shocked at how often students (even those in the primary levels) make disrespectful and rude remarks to teachers. You would also be surprised how these students -- and their parents -- react to discipline. They do not approve of it.

Yes, it is hard to say "no" to a child you love dearly. But not saying "no" creates a monster who ends up damaging him or herself and others. -- ANOTHER EDUCATOR WHO CARES ABOUT THE FUTURE

DEAR EDUCATOR: Failure to teach children limits and appropriate behavior is a form of neglect that can handicap their educational and social development. Furthermore, children cannot be expected to know what their parents haven't taught them, and they mirror the attitudes of the adults after whom they model themselves. The child of parents who feel that rules do not apply to them will, predictably, be disruptive in the classroom and disrespectful of the rights of others -- hardly a recipe for success.

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DEAR ABBY: It's been more than 20 years since I sprawled on the grass, discussing dandelions with my daughter, who was not yet 10. Our headline news was filled with trouble in some Middle Eastern country.

As we lay together in the grass, my daughter asked, "What happens to dandelion seeds when they blow away?" I explained that they plant themselves and grow to make new dandelions. Before I could tell her that's why Daddy doesn't want them in our grass, she excitedly said, "Wouldn't it be great if we could put LOVE on the seeds and blow them to the people fighting with each other, so love could grow instead?"

Her innocent, loving thought inspired me to write the following:

"If I could blow my thoughts like dandelions to the wind,

"Thoughts of love, peace and hope I'd send

"To seed hearts and souls the world therein."

Twenty years later our moment shared and my little poem came to mind yet again. I still have a loving daughter and still have the same dream. Perhaps these loving thoughts of my little girl will seed and inspire yet other loving thoughts to grow in this complex world we share. I pray that God will give our love seeds to grow. -- ANN McCLAIN WASHINGTON, MISSOULA, MONT.

DEAR ANN: The sentiments of your inspirational poem are a heartwarming reminder that we reap what we sow. Thank you for sharing it.

DEAR ABBY: I have read with interest the letters you have printed from readers about the difficulties they encountered when trying to settle the family estate after the parents pass on.

Before Mom and Dad died, they let it be known they didn't want any arguments or hard feelings during or after we kids divided up their worldly possessions. As executor of the estate, I felt responsible but had not yet devised a method for dividing the estate.

The day we six brothers and sisters arrived at the homestead in Oconto, Wis., Mom and Dad must have been watching over us. During the preliminary discussion, one of my sisters suggested that we put our names in a bowl for anything we wanted in the house and simply draw for it with no limitations. The next two days we spent together turned out to be the most heartwarming, enjoyable experience for all of us. I still remember my sisters ORDERING me to put my name in the bowl for an antique dish that I wasn't interested in but they thought my wife might like.

I still have the small aluminum bowl with all our names engraved on it. I also still have the note my wife gave me as I left our house for Oconto: "Dear Bill, please remember that there is no material thing on this Earth more important than family." -- BILL HOPPE, WAUKESHA, WIS.

DEAR BILL: Regardless of the material possessions your parents may or may not have left behind, you come from a wealthy family. And your wife is a jewel.

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DEAR ABBY: Regarding the discussion in your column about taking pictures at funerals: In 1986, my partner died of complications from AIDS. We were lucky that he was able to remain at home in comfortable surroundings. I am a floral designer and he loved my work, so I worked all day at my former place of employment to do his flowers.

Many friends sent sympathy tributes and wondered if I would photograph the flowers for them. I agreed. When I was alone in the funeral parlor, I took photographs of the flowers and of him lying in the casket. And yes, he did look better that day in the casket than while he was dying. AIDS is a horrible way to go, so don't condemn anyone for saying that the deceased looked better on the day of the funeral. In some cases it's true.

Abby, please remind people that the AIDS virus is still out of control. The drugs are not effective for everyone. This epidemic is still far from over. -- MIKE FROM ST. PETE

DEAR MIKE: You are absolutely right that the AIDS epidemic is still a threat here and around the world. However, a growing complacency is causing many people to let down their guard.

According to Dr. Mervyn Silverman, board member and former president of the American Foundation for AIDS Research (amFAR), new treatment combinations are helping many who have been infected. However, a growing number of people, sadly, do not benefit from the new drug therapies.

In addition, there are 40,000 new HIV infections in the United States alone each year. The infection rate is rising among our youth, women, and especially people of color. And AIDS is increasing among our senior citizens, who represent 10 percent of all cases nationwide! Unfortunately, many of those over the age of 50 don't think they are at risk for AIDS -- nor do their physicians -- which results in delayed treatment.

Young people, gay and straight, believe nothing bad can happen to them. This is especially dangerous for gay youth, who have a significantly increased chance of being exposed to HIV through unprotected sex.

In short, people who have lulled themselves into believing this epidemic is over could be dead wrong.

DEAR ABBY: I just finished listening to a waitress on a local radio talk show. The topic was the rudeness of some guests, and how some "cheapskates" leave horrible tips.

Well, Miss Abby, I am a chef in one of the top restaurants in Los Angeles. I have to deal with servers coming into my kitchen and at times berating my staff: "Can't you even cook a steak right?" "Can't you read?" etc. The difference here is that my staff do not receive tips. They earn from $7 to $10 an hour. On a long night, they'll be on their feet nine to 10 hours. They do not receive overtime.

So, to restaurant guests: The next time you receive terrible service in a restaurant and the food is good, call the manager over and tell the person that the food was great -- and give him a tip for the KITCHEN. Even a couple of dollars would mean all the world to us. -- HEAD CHEF IN L.A.

DEAR HEAD CHEF: After your staff works all night in a hot kitchen, I suspect some cold cash would be refreshing. I'm sure many readers have offered their compliments to the chef -- and crew -- but far fewer have shown their appreciation with a tip. Thank you for mentioning it.

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