DEAR ABBY: As a man who has been dating for years, I'd like to respond to the "Rules for Dating" that you printed from "20-Something in L.A." and her girlfriends:

If "20-Something" and her friends think they're getting shabby treatment from men, maybe it's because they're treating men rather shabbily. Men aren't obligated to treat women like princesses, buy them dinner or take them to a movie. It's a gift a man chooses to give a woman, and she shouldn't take it for granted. -- TOM IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR TOM: That column on "dating rules" generated a barrage of responses (some not fit for a family newspaper) from both men and women of every age group. Today we'll hear from the male readers. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I agree it's a good idea to call days ahead and plan a date, and then call the day before to confirm it, but the woman shouldn't cancel at the last minute. Just because a guy is not an Adonis, Fabio or Donald Trump doesn't mean he's worthless. Once you get to know him, the ugly frog just might turn out to be Prince Charming after all. -- WISEGUY TURNED WISE IN ST. LOUIS

DEAR ABBY: Try not to be rude or cold when turning down a date. Remember, a man puts his self-respect on the line every time he approaches a lady. He's nervous -- just as you would be if you were approaching an attractive man for the first time. -- 30-YEAR-OLD ROMANTIC IN KANSAS CITY

DEAR ABBY: These are the '90s. Many women have excellent careers. Often a woman earns even more than a man does. You can't expect the guy to always be the one to pay. If the girl has not offered to pay for something in the first three dates, we regard that as a sign she is just "marking time" until someone she really likes comes along. -- TWO ANONYMOUS GUYS IN L.A.

DEAR ABBY: If you're asked, "What would you like to do?" the man is not being indecisive -- just courteous. Give honest suggestions. "Whatever you want to do is fine with me" gets old -- quick.

If you're going to dinner -- EAT. If you're not hungry, say so beforehand. What exactly are you trying to show your date by leaving nearly all of a $20-and-up dinner on your plate?

If you go dancing with your date and another man asks you to dance, decline -- even if the other man is better looking.

Men are not mind-readers. Speak up or they won't know. If you like them -- and want to continue dating, etc. -- SAY SO. Three words men really hate to hear: "Couldn't you tell ...?"

If you're going out simply because you don't want to go to dinner, a movie, a wedding, a party, etc. alone, do him a favor: Leave him alone. He's a person, not an escort service. -- OTHER SIDE OF L.A.

DEAR ABBY: Be happy with who you are and what you have. Don't expect a man to make you feel good about yourself. Accept the fact that not everybody is born looking like Cindy Crawford.

Don't play games -- be honest and up-front with us. We like that and deserve at least that much. -- MALE READER IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR ABBY: The one-size-fits-all set of dating rules would be a problem for many people. Some men feel insulted when a woman offers to share expenses, while others appreciate it. Some women feel insulted when asked to share expenses, while others wouldn't dream of having men pay their way.

Rather than a fixed set of rules, I suggest a novel approach: TALK ABOUT IT! Communication is essential. Discussing dating etiquette provides a quick insight into the other person's values about money and relationships. It also provides an early test of how easily the two of you can discuss and resolve a difficult issue. -- PSYCHOLOGIST IN BERKELEY

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: My father committed suicide when I was a teen-ager. My family never discussed his death and considered it a private tragedy.

I now have two pre-teen children. When they asked me about their grandfather, I lied and told them he died of a heart attack.

Abby, should I tell them the truth when they are older, or should I stick to my story? I want to do what is best for them. -– TORN IN NEW YORK

DEAR TORN: One day your children will find out the truth, and when they discover you lied to them, it will diminish their trust in you. They should be told the truth before they hear it from someone else. Give them only the information they can handle at this age, and expand upon it when they are older.

Explain that your father had an illness -– depression. Although your family chose to keep it private when you were a teen-ager, it's all right to talk about it now. You probably SHOULD talk about it so you can resolve your own grief over your father's death. Because depression tends to run in families, and your children are genetically vulnerable, they should be made aware. It is helpful for doctors to know that a family member suffered from the disease, so please don't keep it a secret any longer.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Best-Friendless," who wrote about the 61-year-old woman who got a DUI ticket and now blames the friend: The writer stated that forcibly taking the woman's car keys from her "wasn't an option."

YES IT WAS! Twice I have had to take car keys from drunken friends who insisted they could drive. (If they had, they probably would have killed themselves or someone else.) Later, they both thanked me.

On another occasion, I tricked a large male friend (who was almost too drunk to stand) by switching his keys for mine. I simply said, "Hey, you've got the wrong keys," holding out mine and grabbing his. Abby, he "bought" it -– and when he couldn't get his car to start, he just slept it off behind the wheel of his car, which was parked in my driveway. Later, upon reflection, he realized what he'd done and thanked me profusely for "saving a few lives that night." (It's been more than four years and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since.)

The point is: ANYTHING is better than a drunk driver on the streets or highways. Do whatever it takes -- remember, one intoxicated person is usually no match for two or more sober ones. You can outwit them -– or you can use force, if necessary. Everyone I've mentioned in this letter was at least twice my size. I'm female, only 5 foot 2, and weigh less than 100 pounds. -– BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND I'LL KEEP DOING IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: I admire your gutsiness and ingenuity in switching car keys with your drunken male friend. However, knowing how unpredictable a person under the influence can be, I would never recommend using force to dissuade someone from driving, because it could provoke violence. It's deplorable, but I've seen it happen.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have two nephews and one niece, all teen-agers, who have lived with their father and stepmother for eight years. Their father divorced their mother, who is my sister.

Their stepmother, "Sharon," is trying to make me feel guilty for not sending her daughter gifts for birthdays and Christmas as I do my own relatives. She has informed me that her family considers my niece and nephews to be "family," and gives gifts to them on such occasions –- and she strongly implies that I should too. I resent Sharon pointing this out to me, especially since she does not encourage my niece and nephews to acknowledge the gifts they receive from me with even a simple thank-you note or phone call. Although my gifts are seldom acknowledged, I continue to send them out of a sense of obligation since they are my blood relatives.

Should I succumb to Sharon's wishes and include her daughter, even though I'm not a relative and feel ill will toward Sharon? -– CONFUSED WITH THE PROTOCOL, CHICAGO

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes, you should, because to do otherwise is to punish a child who had nothing to do with the breakup of your sister's marriage. And while you're at it, how about sending your niece and nephews a box of stationery and a note explaining the importance of acknowledging gifts? If you get that message across, it will be more valuable to them than any material possession you could give them.

DEAR ABBY: I am in love with my first cousin. We're both more than 40 years old. We knew we were attracted to each other 30 years ago, but we didn't say anything to each other at that time. He went ahead and got married. I remained single. He is now divorced.

A month ago we were at a funeral. That night we both decided to speak the truth to each other. After that, I returned home and told my sisters and brothers about it. Now they treat me like an outcast. I don't know what to say to them anymore.

Abby, I'm a grown woman and not a child. My cousin and I both want the same things out of life. This relationship will last until the end of time. Why can't my family stand to see me happy? -– IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE: Perhaps they're concerned because this seems so sudden to them. In addition, it isn't legal in some states for first cousins to marry.

People used to believe that if first cousins married, it might promote genetic defects in their offspring. However, since the advent of genetic testing for couples contemplating marriage, the risk of defects can be evaluated and ruled out. Your physician can help you allay your siblings' fears. If not, you may have to choose between your new love and your family.

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the grandmother in the Florida retirement home reading your column to residents who can no longer see well enough to read prompts this letter. I, and others, read your column faithfully to the 10,000 or so Sun Sounds Radio listeners, as our service to the print-disabled. "Dear Abby" rates as a MUST in Tucson. -– CONCHITA COLLINS

DEAR CONCHITA: Your letter made my day. I'm complimented that you and your listeners consider my column a "must." My congratulations for performing a worthwhile service for individuals who are unable to read on their own.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)