DEAR ABBY: My father committed suicide when I was a teen-ager. My family never discussed his death and considered it a private tragedy.

I now have two pre-teen children. When they asked me about their grandfather, I lied and told them he died of a heart attack.

Abby, should I tell them the truth when they are older, or should I stick to my story? I want to do what is best for them. -– TORN IN NEW YORK

DEAR TORN: One day your children will find out the truth, and when they discover you lied to them, it will diminish their trust in you. They should be told the truth before they hear it from someone else. Give them only the information they can handle at this age, and expand upon it when they are older.

Explain that your father had an illness -– depression. Although your family chose to keep it private when you were a teen-ager, it's all right to talk about it now. You probably SHOULD talk about it so you can resolve your own grief over your father's death. Because depression tends to run in families, and your children are genetically vulnerable, they should be made aware. It is helpful for doctors to know that a family member suffered from the disease, so please don't keep it a secret any longer.

DEAR ABBY: In response to "Best-Friendless," who wrote about the 61-year-old woman who got a DUI ticket and now blames the friend: The writer stated that forcibly taking the woman's car keys from her "wasn't an option."

YES IT WAS! Twice I have had to take car keys from drunken friends who insisted they could drive. (If they had, they probably would have killed themselves or someone else.) Later, they both thanked me.

On another occasion, I tricked a large male friend (who was almost too drunk to stand) by switching his keys for mine. I simply said, "Hey, you've got the wrong keys," holding out mine and grabbing his. Abby, he "bought" it -– and when he couldn't get his car to start, he just slept it off behind the wheel of his car, which was parked in my driveway. Later, upon reflection, he realized what he'd done and thanked me profusely for "saving a few lives that night." (It's been more than four years and he hasn't touched a drop of alcohol since.)

The point is: ANYTHING is better than a drunk driver on the streets or highways. Do whatever it takes -- remember, one intoxicated person is usually no match for two or more sober ones. You can outwit them -– or you can use force, if necessary. Everyone I've mentioned in this letter was at least twice my size. I'm female, only 5 foot 2, and weigh less than 100 pounds. -– BEEN THERE, DONE THAT, AND I'LL KEEP DOING IT

DEAR BEEN THERE: I admire your gutsiness and ingenuity in switching car keys with your drunken male friend. However, knowing how unpredictable a person under the influence can be, I would never recommend using force to dissuade someone from driving, because it could provoke violence. It's deplorable, but I've seen it happen.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have two nephews and one niece, all teen-agers, who have lived with their father and stepmother for eight years. Their father divorced their mother, who is my sister.

Their stepmother, "Sharon," is trying to make me feel guilty for not sending her daughter gifts for birthdays and Christmas as I do my own relatives. She has informed me that her family considers my niece and nephews to be "family," and gives gifts to them on such occasions –- and she strongly implies that I should too. I resent Sharon pointing this out to me, especially since she does not encourage my niece and nephews to acknowledge the gifts they receive from me with even a simple thank-you note or phone call. Although my gifts are seldom acknowledged, I continue to send them out of a sense of obligation since they are my blood relatives.

Should I succumb to Sharon's wishes and include her daughter, even though I'm not a relative and feel ill will toward Sharon? -– CONFUSED WITH THE PROTOCOL, CHICAGO

DEAR CONFUSED: Yes, you should, because to do otherwise is to punish a child who had nothing to do with the breakup of your sister's marriage. And while you're at it, how about sending your niece and nephews a box of stationery and a note explaining the importance of acknowledging gifts? If you get that message across, it will be more valuable to them than any material possession you could give them.

DEAR ABBY: I am in love with my first cousin. We're both more than 40 years old. We knew we were attracted to each other 30 years ago, but we didn't say anything to each other at that time. He went ahead and got married. I remained single. He is now divorced.

A month ago we were at a funeral. That night we both decided to speak the truth to each other. After that, I returned home and told my sisters and brothers about it. Now they treat me like an outcast. I don't know what to say to them anymore.

Abby, I'm a grown woman and not a child. My cousin and I both want the same things out of life. This relationship will last until the end of time. Why can't my family stand to see me happy? -– IN LOVE IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR IN LOVE: Perhaps they're concerned because this seems so sudden to them. In addition, it isn't legal in some states for first cousins to marry.

People used to believe that if first cousins married, it might promote genetic defects in their offspring. However, since the advent of genetic testing for couples contemplating marriage, the risk of defects can be evaluated and ruled out. Your physician can help you allay your siblings' fears. If not, you may have to choose between your new love and your family.

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the grandmother in the Florida retirement home reading your column to residents who can no longer see well enough to read prompts this letter. I, and others, read your column faithfully to the 10,000 or so Sun Sounds Radio listeners, as our service to the print-disabled. "Dear Abby" rates as a MUST in Tucson. -– CONCHITA COLLINS

DEAR CONCHITA: Your letter made my day. I'm complimented that you and your listeners consider my column a "must." My congratulations for performing a worthwhile service for individuals who are unable to read on their own.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My "Aunt Maude," whom I dearly love, visits me once a month to do some shopping -– in my pantry. She lives 40 miles away and comes over with a shopping bag she fills with canned goods as well as paper products.

My husband is furious about it, and remarked that if Aunt Maude was in financial distress, there would be no problem. However, she owns rental properties and is financially secure. He calls her a parasite and a vulture for taking advantage of a younger relative with a heart of gold. He has threatened many times to put a lock on the pantry door to prevent such thievery, and he finally did, installing a strong lock and keeping the keys.

During her next visit, Aunt Maude, after making some small talk, went to the pantry only to find it locked and barred to her. In short order, she said she had to visit another relative and left. Now she refuses to visit me.

Abby, I know what she was doing was wrong, but she did bring me news of the family and I enjoyed her company. What can I do to repair the damage and make her feel at home, without her grabbing the goodies from my pantry? My husband told me the minute he hears she's on the way to visit us, the pantry door will be locked again. Any advice? –- SAD NIECE, SAN ANTONIO

DEAR SAD NIECE: If coming into the house of relatives and raiding the pantry is considered acceptable behavior in your family, you should make that clear to your husband. If it's not, then it's time you opened your own direct line of communication with your relatives so that you no longer have to "ransom" news of them from your dysfunctional aunt.

You might send her a gift basket filled with the kinds of goodies she's been stealing from your pantry, and hope she'll accept your conciliatory gesture -– but I can't guarantee the result.

DEAR ABBY: We have a question about what to say when we take our adult children and their spouses out to dinner when we visit them in another state. These people range in age from 39 to 55 and have been on their own for years.

We don't appreciate it when they order more than one cocktail before dinner, so what could we say that would be nonconfrontational, but convey to them that we don't want to support their drinking habit? -– DEVOTED PARENTS, SOMEWHERE

DEAR DEVOTED PARENTS: There is no need to be confrontational. Simply tell your "children" before dinner that you will pay for only one round of drinks –- and after that, if they choose to imbibe, they should ask for a separate check.

DEAR ABBY: Can you stand one more comment concerning "unattended" children?

I was co-owner of an antique store. My partners and I decided to put up a sign that read, "All Unattended Children Will Be Given a Free Kitten."

Abby, the look of panic on the parents' faces was priceless! We had some tiny fabric kittens that we gave the children who wanted one -– and we got a lot of laughs from it. –- FAITHFUL READER, SMALL TOWN, TEXAS

DEAR FAITHFUL READER: I think you came up with a purr-fect solution, and it's certainly friendlier than the sign other readers reported: "Unattended Children Will Be Sold as Slaves."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)