DEAR ABBY: I have been married for four years, and I consider myself a good wife. I take extra care of my husband when he's sick or in pain. I cook for him and clean the house. I practically wait on him hand and foot.

But during the last two years, he has changed in ways that make me feel suspicious and angry. He spends a lot of time with his ex-wife. He buys her roses, chocolates, candy and jewelry. He's never bought me anything like that at all. He quit being intimate with me two years ago. That's when he started his five-hour visits with his ex-wife.

I have had this nagging suspicion that something more is going on between him and his ex. I can't ask him if he's cheating on me. He has a very short fuse. He yells, swears and threatens me. I lost my sense of being assertive after our first year of marriage.

If he doesn't love me, why won't he tell me? Whatever's going on with him has put a terrible strain on my heart. Abby, please help! -– CONFUSED IN SACRAMENTO

DEAR CONFUSED: The relationship you are describing between yourself and your husband is not a marriage; it's indentured servitude. You have been such a good cook, nurse and housekeeper -- and completely nonassertive since the first year of your marriage -- that he doesn't want to lose those services.

When a man sees a woman regularly, and buys her candy, flowers and jewelry, it's safe to assume that something is up. After two years, you have already tolerated more than many women would. Bite the bullet and ask him what's going on with his ex-wife. If he gets ugly again, be ready with an ultimatum, and have his bags packed when you do it.

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Snoopy Mom," who boasted about how she read her children's diaries, eavesdropped on their telephone calls and searched their belongings, I felt truly sorry for her.

My children, now 27 and 24, never gave me a reason to doubt them. Their belongings, in my opinion, were theirs -– and not for my perusing. Both were very active from early childhood throughout college. Neither ever abused their curfews.

My son was a three-time college All-American -- the first in the history of his college. My daughter was president of her college class. Both graduated, and today enjoy successful careers.

I told them early on that they could enjoy life as long as they did it responsibly. The minute they demonstrated to me that they were not capable of that, their lives would have changed dramatically. I'm glad I never had to make that change! -– PROUD MOM IN OHIO

DEAR PROUD MOM: As I pointed out to "Snoopy Mom," if parents have a legitimate reason to question their child's honesty, it's only common sense to check. However, if teens have proven by their actions that they can be trusted, nosiness is not a legitimate reason to conduct a search.

Predictably, I received bushels of heartfelt letters from teens who were outraged by "Snoopy Mom's" letter. Tomorrow, we'll hear what they had to say.

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DEAR ABBY: I was appalled by the letter written by the retired therapist, "Dr. Howard Bott," who said that a victim of domestic abuse who confides in her friends is somehow responsible for the abuse. His suggestion that somehow the woman named "Sara" was playing a "game" for dramatic effect was unbelievable.

Women who are abused by spouses and significant others believe that they are powerless to stop the cycle of abuse. Friends and family need to show the victim that their love is unconditional, gather information about a "safe plan" from their local victim/witness or women's shelter, and assist her when she's ready to leave the relationship. They also need to be patient with the victim.

Ask any member of my family and they'll tell you it takes a long time for the victim to rebuild that self-esteem and to know she's capable of changing the situation. Our daughter was in a similar relationship for more than seven years. When she finally found the courage to leave, it was too late. He stalked and murdered her.

Please tell your readers that they should NEVER, EVER consider domestic abuse to be a "game." It's not. It has deadly consequences. -– BEEN THERE, SUPERIOR, WIS.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Please accept my sympathy for the tragic loss of your beloved daughter. In recent years, law enforcement and behavioral therapists have become more knowledgeable about the cycle of domestic violence -– and all agree that it is not to be taken lightly. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I was shocked and angered at how much blame "Dr. Bott" placed on "Sara," the victim of domestic abuse.

I dated a young man for more than five years before we finally married. "Mike" had never laid a hand on me. Three weeks into our marriage, he started shoving me into walls, slapping me, dragging me around the house and throwing me down stairs. I believed it was my fault. "If only I had not made him so mad," "maybe if I had a second job so we had more money," "if only I had cleaned the house better," etc. I was convinced that I was a horrible, ugly, stupid human being, and I was too embarrassed to tell family and friends.

The people at work saw through my lies and made me admit what Mike was doing. I cannot describe the relief I felt. These wonderful people never failed to tell me every day that it wasn't my fault, that I needed to leave Mike.

One day I had a terrible bruise on my arm. "Jake" walked over to me, took my hand and told me that of all the people in the world this happens to, it shouldn't be happening to me because I was smart and beautiful. He talked for 10 minutes about what a wonderful person I was. I couldn't stop crying. Abby, no one had ever said anything like that to me.

That night, I went home and suddenly saw Mike for who he really was -– a sorry excuse for a man without a job, who couldn't get his life together, who drank and smoked pot –- and when he became disillusioned with a world he couldn't control, he took it out on me with insults and violence. I left him that night.

This September, Jake and I will celebrate four happy years of marriage with our beautiful 3-year-old son. It took counseling, prayer and love, but I realize that Mike had problems, and what he did to me was inexcusable.

Today, I am the beautiful, smart, confident woman I had always wanted to be. I thank God daily for the angels he sent to help me. Blaming the victims of domestic violence only perpetuates the cycle. Only when we become outraged at the abuser, when we make hitting your partner and your kids inexcusable, will we have a chance to stop this horrible epidemic. -– TRULY BLESSED IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR TRULY BLESSED: Amen!

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DEAR ABBY: Like most of your readers, I never thought I'd be writing to you, but I'm at my wit's end.

I am a 38-year-old married woman. My husband doesn't drink, doesn't smoke, doesn't fool around, is physically fit, great in bed and not afraid to shower. He works at a full-time job, as well as a part-time job, and he's an equal partner in the area of child care. So, what's my problem?

This man has never admitted he was wrong about ANYTHING in the 13 years we've been married! He has never apologized for any thoughtless thing he's done, has never acknowledged that anything he's ever said has caused me pain or embarrassment, and refuses to admit that this isn't normal.

When I let him know this really bothers me, he'll joke and say, "Someday, if I'm ever wrong, I'll apologize." I'll admit that my response is usually a smart-aleck insult, but I think that after all these years of being married to Mr. Perfect, I'm entitled.

I love this guy, I really do. But I don't think I can bear to spend the rest of my life with a man who thinks that my feelings are unimportant. I'm not usually one to hold a grudge, but since he won't apologize about anything, I stay angry at him much longer than I should about inconsequential things. Short of divorce, what do I do? -– FRUSTRATED

DEAR FRUSTRATED: Your husband is a 9 on a scale of 10 –- and that's a pretty terrific score. When he says something hurtful or embarrassing, perhaps you should be slower to make a "smart-aleck" comment, and instead let him see an honest reaction. It would make it more difficult for him to joke his way out of an apology.

P.S. Believe it or not, the inability to admit one is wrong is a sign of insecurity.

DEAR ABBY: The poem you printed, "Cocaine," really hit home because I have a daughter who got hooked on it, and she has destroyed the lives of everyone around her.

Enclosed is a letter from her 11-year-old daughter. I wish you would print it; maybe my daughter or some other parent will see it and realize how their drug use is affecting the families they leave behind. -– CAROLYN IN ALABAMA

DEAR CAROLYN: Your grandchild's poignant letter is well worth space in this column. Read on:

"Hello, my name is Candi. I'm going to tell you what drugs did to my mother. She left me, my dad and my brother who is only 2 years old. He cries at night for her. Sometimes I cry, too. My dad is really hurt. Me and my brother will grow up without a mother.

"Well, you heard what drugs will do to people. So, please -– don't do drugs."

DEAR ABBY: Since Sen. Gramm's letter appeared in your column, congressional offices across America have been bombarded with requests for flags flown over the Capitol. This is great! It's wonderful to see so many patriotic citizens wishing to display Old Glory.

Unfortunately, the prices Sen. Gramm quoted were out of date. Those who wish to obtain a flag should contact the local office of their congressional representative or senators for a list of the correct prices so delivery will not be delayed.

Thanks, Abby. Once again, you've provided a great service for your readers. –- A CAPITOL HILL READER

DEAR CAPITOL HILL READER: Thank you for setting the record straight. Readers, your telephone directory lists the telephone numbers for the local offices of your representatives and senators in the section titled "U.S. Government."

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