DEAR ABBY: Periodically you invite your readers to "dump on Abby." My beef might seem trivial to many, and if that's the case, "Sorry about that!" but I am tired of seeing tourists in my hometown church dressed in sweatshirts, blue jeans, even shorts! Some might praise the fact that these ill-dressed folk bother attending church while they're on vacation, but why do they slight we year-round residents with their ultra-casual mode of dress?

I recall church at East Coast resort areas when some visitors, the famous among them, dressed casually -- but where most of the congregation were respectfully attired. The issue has reached the point where I, in nifty outfits, feel almost embarrassed for myself. Heaven forbid I should abandon my finery to blend in with the tourists!

At one packed August service last year, a woman with a head of cascading hair wore a halter top, giving the impression to those in pews in back of her that she was topless! Male, female, huge legs, shapely legs, hairy legs -- shorts are the "norm." Lack of consideration for year-round parishioners in resort communities is a sin. Please, dear visiting worshippers -- God loves you all, but give the locals a break. Dress with respect. AMEN! -- AIN'T NO SAINT IN OREGON

DEAR AIN'T NO SAINT: I, too, come from a generation where we were taught to dress up when visiting a house of God. However, in the last few decades, the old "rules" have relaxed considerably. People come to church to heal their souls and gain inspiration for living, and if you are focusing on what you and the other worshippers are wearing, I respectfully suggest that you are focusing on the wrong thing. REPENT!

DEAR ABBY: My 50th wedding anniversary is coming up in August and my children want to give us a grand party, but there is a problem: After 50 years of verbal, physical and mental abuse from my husband, I refuse to be a party to this hypocrisy. My husband, who is a retired professional man, is highly respected. However, we have not lived as man and wife for many years. He is an alcoholic, an adulterer, a wife-beater and a churchgoing hypocrite. He has ruined my life, and as a result, I have no use for him. I stayed with him over the years for the sake of the children when they were young, my religion (Catholic), and because of his threats.

We are both in our 70s now and we just tolerate each other. Never once has he shown any regret for his treatment of me and the children, who love us both but have no respect for their father. My children are not aware, as far as I know, of his adulterous womanizing over the years. Celebrating a life of hell is just more than I can take. What now? -- NO NAME, NO CITY

DEAR NO NAME: If your children are not aware of your husband's adulterous behavior, I see no reason to bring it up now. However, it would be impossible for them to have been unaware of the physical, verbal and emotional abuse you have suffered. Just tell them that under the circumstances, 50 years of the kind of marriage you have endured is nothing to celebrate, and ask them to please abide by your wishes.

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DEAR ABBY: I cannot believe I'm writing to you, but this problem has been festering for 13 years and I'm at the end of my rope. It's my sister-in-law, "Ethel." She's a hypochondriac who feels that she must be the center of attention. Regardless of the situation, she has always "been there, done that, I know how you feel."

My father has lung cancer and underwent six weeks of exhaustive radiation. My mother and I are watching him die and have spent many sleepless nights with him. Ethel sounds like a broken record, repeating that she knows how he feels, knows how we feel, etc. I want to say to her, "Unless you have watched a father die, or watched a husband die, then you CANNOT 'understand' what Mother and I are going through!"

Her kids are brats, and I'm not the only one to say so. She leaves them unattended to go to a job that she does not need. My brother has a terrific job and makes excellent money. I cannot figure out why he tolerates her. People can't stand to be around her and make fun of her every chance they get. She's always "sick" because it's her way of getting attention. I'm sick of biting my tongue and I'm itching to tell her off. Should I? -- ITCHING ON THE EAST COAST

DEAR ITCHING: No! Telling her off would be counterproductive and would create more problems than you already have. You can't change your sister-in-law. Avoid the poor woman whenever possible, and in the interest of family unity, tolerate her when you must.

DEAR ABBY: When I saw the letter from "Eileen" about "Mary Helen," who was criticized because her efforts to save her brother "Bill" were futile, I had to write. I had a heart attack from a condition that I, like Bill, thought was the flu. I collapsed at work and was essentially dead when I hit the floor. Three to five minutes was all that was necessary for my death to be complete.

Fortunately for me, three of my co-workers knew CPR. After calling 911, they immediately started to work on me. They kept me alive until the paramedics came to take over. My doctors have told me that only one person in 10 recovers as I did.

Later, one of my rescuers confessed to me that she had used the wrong cadence in performing the chest compressions and that she was afraid she would hurt me or break a rib if she pressed too hard. I replied that she should not have worried. I was grateful for her efforts because even an injury was better than the alternative!

If Eileen and her friend, Mary Helen, had done nothing, death was a guaranteed result. Bill's only hope for life was that Mary Helen do something, and she did -- to the best of her ability. I can guarantee Mary Helen that Bill was grateful for her attempt, as I am thankful for those who saved me. -- GRATEFUL IN SEATTLE

DEAR GRATEFUL: Heartfelt congratulations on your recovery. I'm sure "Mary Helen" and "Eileen" will appreciate your having shared your personal experience. It highlights that any CPR is better than no CPR at all.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "YOUNG WORKING MOTHER": You are not alone in feeling overwhelmed and without enough time. Malcolm Forbes once said, "Unless you are serving time, there is never enough of it."

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Like so many of those who write to you, I have been involved for quite a while with a married man who keeps making promises about our future together, but those promises are never kept.

The difference is, this one is married -- to a corpse. She's been dead for 2 1/2 years, and he still can't let go and get on with his life.

For almost a year, he promised we'd spend a weekend together; however, by Thursday, he always had a reason to cancel. When we finally did get together for a weekend, he walked out and got another motel room where he and the ghost could spend the night together, while I cried my eyes out alone in the king-size bed in my room. Do you have any idea how much rejection there is in learning that the man you love would rather sleep with his memories than with you?

I finally persuaded him to get counseling, but he's still doing the same things: promising we have a future together, then squelching any plans for physically consummating our relationship. He insists he doesn't need Viagra, that he's capable of doing it, but then he comes up with another hokey excuse why he can't make time for a weekend together.

He's really a nice man, Abby. He treats me well and has a delightful sense of humor. He'd be the perfect companion if he could just accept that his wife is dead, she's not coming back, and he's not cheating on her if he sleeps with another woman. What should I do? -- SEXLESS IN SEATTLE

DEAR SEXLESS: If you love him, give him a little more time. My experts tell me that he could be suffering from pathological grief. In most people, the grieving process lasts about one year -- but if it lasts longer than that it requires professional help.

I don't know how long this man has been in counseling, but if it has been any length of time and he still has not progressed in mourning (mourning is the reparative process associated with grief) -- then he should consult another professional counselor. His inability to be intimate with you sexually may have nothing to do with sexuality, but rather overwhelming mourning and overwhelming guilt.

If he's as terrific as you say he is, he's worth waiting for a little longer.

DEAR ABBY: When I was about 21, I was date-raped, and it took me several years to get myself sorted out. This was my first time, and it is only now that I'm finally at a point where I can trust a man again and want to have sex.

My problem is, I don't know if I should tell my boyfriend about what happened to me years ago, and that he will be the first person I have ever really made love with. What do you think? -- ANONY-MISS

DEAR ANONY-MISS: I think it's very important that you tell him exactly what you have told me -- and the sooner the better.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)