DEAR ABBY: I worked for civil rights in the '60s. My 10-year-old daughter grew up in a racially mixed church, a racially mixed neighborhood and a racially mixed school. She has studied the history of slavery, Hitler, and other examples of what bigotry can do to a society, a country and the world. I have taught her from a very young age that bigotry is wrong, period. At the tender age of 10, she has already lost friends because she will not tolerate racist remarks. I have patiently tried to explain why racism was tolerated in the past in various societies.

A few days ago my daughter asked me a question I could not answer. "Mom, why is it OK to be a racist if you're black?" She went on to cite examples of racist remarks at her school, in the media, by politicians and on TV.

As I thought about it, she is correct. Today's America does tolerate, and in a few cases, even encourages blacks to be racist against whites. We wonder why there is violence in our schools. We despair over the white supremacist movement. We call for closer family support and guidance. Why do we not cry out against racism wherever it may be found? How can we move forward as a country, as a world, if we have not learned by our mistakes?

Please, Abby, help me out here! What can I tell her? -- MY KID'S MOM

DEAR MOM: Let's not point the finger only at black Americans. Bigotry is alive and well in EVERY community because it seems that some people have a need to feel "superior."

Explain to your daughter that racism cannot be wiped out by decree. Its demise must come from the realization that we have more things in common than we do superficial differences such as skin color or a foreign-sounding accent.

DEAR ABBY: "Glad I Tried, Joliet, Ill." wondered if her dying mother heard her say "I love you" during the last stages of life.

Abby, she should be consoled by something all hospice volunteers learn during their excellent and professional training: Hearing is the last sense to fade. It is very likely that her mother heard her last message although her mother was unable to acknowledge it. -- JOHN R. BUTLER, ROGERS, ARK.

DEAR JOHN: Thank you for your comforting words to "Glad I Tried." Within the last year or so, I read an account of a woman who was in a coma for many years. She testified that although she could not communicate, she heard everything that was said to her during those years.

I believe that a number of studies have revealed that patients hear far more in an unconscious state than most of us ever suspected they could. That's why physicians encourage the families of trauma patients to read to them, play music for them and, above all, to talk to them.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "CAN'T FORGIVE HER IN IDAHO": Perhaps these words will help you begin to rebuild your friendship. "He that cannot forgive others breaks the bridge over which he must pass himself; for every man has need to be forgiven." -- Thomas Fuller.

Give it a try -- you'll be glad you did.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Thanks for printing the letter reminding us of the importance of Flag Day and for urging Americans to fly Old Glory. As I read it, I wondered if your readers knew that by contacting their senator or congressman, they can get a flag for as little as $7.50 -- the actual cost of the flag -- plus $4 for shipping. They can even have it flown over the U.S. Capitol and have that event commemorated with a personalized certificate.

Regardless of where they get their flag, however, I wanted to join with your patriotic correspondent in urging Americans to take pride in our nation by displaying an American flag. Yours respectfully, U.S. SEN. PHIL GRAMM, WASHINGTON, D.C.

DEAR SENATOR GRAMM: The fact that people can purchase flags at cost (plus shipping charges) from their legislators in Washington was news to me. Batten down the hatches -- because I'm sure that offer will interest a lot of people.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to the bald man from Fort Lauderdale who sweeps his hair over his bald spot and bugs his wife with the foot-long flag of hair streaming in the breeze when they go boating.

I have barbered for 49 years and don't claim to be an expert, but have learned a little along the way. We all have customers with special requests and try to honor them. That head of hair could and should be cut so that no matter which way it is combed or not combed -- or windblown -- it would not be a problem.

I produce some haircuts just like that one, because that is what the customer asks for and he is paying the bill, but don't ask me to autograph the work as an artist who is proud.

"Baldy" has one good thing going for him. His wife is sick of his denial, and he should take her advice. His problem is in his head and not ON it. Winding a flag of hair over your head is like wearing a sign telling the world you are bald. -- WILLARD M. KERK, CHAPPELL, NEB.

DEAR WILLARD: I'm printing your letter because there's no denying that when it comes to hair, you are an expert. But if I see one more letter about baldness, I'll curl up and dye. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to your recent column about a husband who attempts to cover his baldness with a comb-over:

Perhaps we could form a support group for balding men and call it "United Hairlines." -- WADE KNIGHT, JUNCTION CITY, KAN.

DEAR ABBY: I've had a best friend for nine years. (I'll call her Christy.) She's always been there when I needed her, but here's the problem: She flirts with most of the guys I'm interested in.

Last month I found a guy that I really like. We hang out all the time. I've come to find out that Christy's also interested in him. She never even told me! I had to find out from someone else. He also has the same feelings toward her. He and I are still friends, but I really don't want to have anything to do with Christy anymore. She knew for about a month that I liked him a lot, but she went after him anyway! What do you think about this best friend's behavior? -- MELLISA IN THE SUNSHINE STATE

DEAR MELLISA: With friends like Christy, you don't need any enemies! But it may not be HER fault that he's more attracted to her than he is to you, and one person does not "own" another person. "All is fair in love and war" -- and this is a combination of both.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Your response to "Lucky in Connecticut," whose doctor failed to notify her of abnormal pap smears (for three years!) was inappropriate. You told her that in these days of managed care, doctors are seeing many more patients than they used to, and many of them expect their patients to be more sophisticated and responsible for their health than a generation ago. You further advised her to take the initiative and call the doctor for test results instead of waiting for notification.

Abby, it IS the physician's responsibility to notify the patient about an abnormal test result. I know some MDs who tell their patients to call for results, but I (and most other physicians) disagree. I tell my patients I'll call them about an ABNORMAL pap. If it's a normal report, they'll receive a card by mail -- and if they haven't heard anything by three weeks, they're to call me to find out why. You should not have made "Lucky" feel guilty that she didn't call for her report. She did not fail in her responsibility as a patient.

Thank you for letting me have my say. Your column is great! -- ANDREW JAMIESON, M.D., BUTTE, MONT.

DEAR DR. JAMIESON: My response to "Lucky" was meant to encourage women to take responsibility for calling their doctors if they had not received test results in a reasonable amount of time. I agree that when a doctor performs tests, it is the doctor's responsibility to inform the patient of the results -- and an irresponsible doctor should be held accountable. However, in today's chaotic health-care environment, we all need to be more aware of our personal medical needs and insist on good care. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: I have a bit of advice I'd like to give to "Lucky in Connecticut." KEEP YOUR OWN HEALTH FILE. After every visit to the doctor for a complete physical, pap smear, mammogram, ultrasound, MRI, etc., ask -- no, TELL your doctor that you want a copy of the results. It is your right! You'll probably have to sign a waiver, that's all. Then compare your test results from visit to visit. It is amazing what you can learn from your blood panel results.

Abby, you were right when you said there is an overwhelming ratio of patients to doctors. Patients must ask questions. That is also their right. Of course, all of us want our doctors to treat us as though we are their one and only patient. Unfortunately, we must lower the pedestal we once had them on to a more realistic level. We cannot put all our faith in them -- we must help them out.

Oh, by the way, patients should make sure the names on the test result forms are THEIRS. Here's a little incident that happened to me: Last February, I was admitted for major surgery (a complete hysterectomy). I was next on the list, and a young woman called my last name. We sat at her desk and she said, "Have you ever been here before for this surgery?" "No," I replied, "if I had, I wouldn't be here now." She said, "Oh, you'd be surprised. Some people come back three or four times." I said, "You're kidding!" She said, "No."

We both looked at each other with that quizzical look and I said, "What's the first name on that form?" The first names were different, of course. The person whose file was in her hands was going to have FOOT surgery! Could you imagine? My middle name was about to become "Ooops!"

I have kept my own file now for about 15 years and only wish I had started sooner. I guess my middle name back then was "Naive." -- INFORMED NOW IN WEST BLOOMFIELD HILLS, MICH.

DEAR INFORMED: That's a valuable suggestion, and all that's required is taking the initiative.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)