DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 12 years and am very unhappy. My husband refuses counseling because he feels nothing is wrong. I do all the parenting, cooking, most of the cleaning, etc. He does work, but refuses to leave a "cushy" job for one that's better paying.

I have sacrificed my safety to work at a school that is known for violence, but he doesn't seem to care other than to say that he will buy me a bulletproof vest. Being back in the dating world would be more fun than this so-called marriage. We are both 34, and a friend says I am going through the "itch."

I am very confused. Help! -- K.D.P. IN S.C.

DEAR K.D.P.: Don't scratch your "itch" -- it will only cause further irritation on what is already a sore spot. The dating world has its share of problems, too. If your husband refuses to seek counseling, go without him. It may give you some insight into your feelings and why you have tolerated this kind of marriage for 12 years.

DEAR ABBY: After seeing the letters about the importance of carrying identification, I felt compelled to relate a story about a friend's daughter who had identification at the time of an accident.

She was walking home one night and was hit by a drunk driver. She was rushed to the hospital where, at the time, my husband was working in the emergency room. Her body and face were so badly mangled that he didn't recognize her. She was rushed to surgery where the doctors tried unsuccessfully to save her life.

After finding the identification, a hospital representative phoned the family with the news of the accident. Upon arriving at the hospital, the family was told that she had not survived. When they were taken to identify the body, imagine their shock when the girl they were shown was not theirs! Our friend's daughter had been carrying her girlfriend's identification at the time of the accident! -- P.K., WATERFORD, MICH.

DEAR P.K.: What a nightmare! I'm sharing your warning for the benefit of anyone who might be tempted to carry fake ID or someone else's.

DEAR ABBY: I'm 15, and I'll make this brief. I would like to know the top 10 mistakes to avoid on the first date. -- TIFFANY IN VANCOUVER, B.C.

DEAR TIFFANY: How's this:

1. Be late when he comes to pick you up.

2. Fail to introduce him to your parents.

3. Talk and laugh loudly and draw attention to yourself.

4. Look at other boys when he's talking to you.

5. Discuss your past boyfriends.

6. Order the most expensive dish on the menu.

7. Gossip about the latest nasty rumor you heard.

8. Turn the restaurant table into a beauty parlor -- combing your hair and applying makeup.

9. "Put out" because you think it's expected.

10. Ride with someone who's been drinking.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, when I was a teen-ager, I was inspired by a letter in your column. A woman had written about a recent tragedy in her life, having lost a parent due to a terrible accident. The writer appealed to your readers to make amends with family and friends as soon as possible, for her tragedy was compounded by having quarreled with her dad and not having "made up" before he died. You recommended that people live their lives to the fullest every day, and not to take family and friends for granted.

Well, even at 17, I recognized good advice when I saw it. I live each day to the fullest to the best of my ability and I have not taken my family for granted.

My dad recently passed away -- suddenly, without warning, from a heart attack. He was 62. The thought that has comforted me in the loss of my father was knowing that he and I had no "shoulda, coulda, woulda's." I long ago confronted him about things in our relationship that we needed to work out, and because of that our father/daughter relationship turned into a friendship. The same is true of my relationship with my mother and brother. During the last few years, my parents and I had even taken mini-vacations together.

So, while I miss my dad terribly and wish he were still with us, I know we had the best relationship possible. I have no regrets and I know he didn't either. Thank you for the advice, Abby. I am grateful. -- ALISON GAULDEN, RENO, NEV.

DEAR ALISON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved father. I'm touched that something you read in my column inspired you to make the most of every precious moment you had with him. Years ago, a reader sent me this wonderful poem that says it very well:

If you are ever going to love me,

Love me now, while I can know

The sweet and tender feelings

Which from true affection flow.

Love me now

While I am living.

Do not wait until I'm gone

And then have it chiseled in marble,

Sweet words on ice-cold stone.

If you have tender thoughts of me,

Please tell me now.

If you wait until I'm sleeping,

Never to awaken,

There will be death between us,

And I won't hear you then.

So if you love me, even a little bit,

Let me know it while I'm living

So I can treasure it.

DEAR ABBY: I am invited to a "black-tie" evening wedding this month, so please answer this ASAP. What exactly is black-tie wear for men and women? Is there a difference between "formal" and "black tie"? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN SANDPOINT, IDAHO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: There is no difference between "formal" and "black tie." It means the men should wear tuxedos, and the women should wear long dresses or dressy cocktail attire.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband was downsized from a large company 16 months ago. He collected unemployment for six months, then began a business that he runs from our home.

I have been the sole support of our family during this period. Recently he began taking a class near his former office. His class began in the morning and ended at 2 p.m. When he returned home one evening, I asked him how his day had gone. He stated that he had gone to lunch with a lady from his old office. (She happened to call him last week for someone's phone number and mentioned that "no one ever takes her to lunch.") My husband generously offered because he was going to be in the area the next week. He never mentioned it during the week prior to what I call "his date."

His class needed to work through lunch, so he called her to tell her. She offered to wait for him and have a late lunch when his class was over. He called her on my cell phone before the end of class to say he'd pick her up. This was at 1:30 p.m. He picked her up at his former office, and they drove to an expensive restaurant because "he didn't want to run into any former co-workers from his old company."

As he told me this story, I started to get angry because he had told me the previous day that we could not go out to eat because money was tight. When he saw I was getting angry, he jokingly said he had just made up the story to see my reaction. I decided to check it out by looking for a receipt from the restaurant that he originally stated he had gone to. I found it in his wallet and saw that his first story had been the correct one.

Looking back, I now realize that he cleaned his car -- something he never does -- in preparation for this date, borrowed my cell phone to confirm the date, and was unusually concerned about his appearance before going to this class that day. He thinks I'm out of line for being upset that he took this divorced "friend" to lunch. He says I'm jealous.

I feel used and disrespected since he kept the date a secret, picked her up for the lunch and then lied about it. What do you think? -- ANGRY WIFE

DEAR WIFE: I think your marriage could use a clean-up job. I smell a rat -- and I think it's your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share with you our son-in-law's clever and distinctive names for me and my husband.

He calls us "MIL" (or "Millie") for mother-in-law, and "FIL" for father-in-law. This nicely solves the multiple "Moms" and "Dads" problem when both families gather for parties.

On another note: His parents were already grandparents with their own special names before he and our daughter gave birth to a son.

When our grandson was close to 2, and we despaired of ever having a grandparent name, he began calling me "Mum" -- his version of our daughter's "Mom" name for me.

Perhaps this will be of help to other families having difficulties with the "name game." -- A HAPPY 'MIL' IN BONSALL, CALIF.

DEAR HAPPY 'MIL': You have an innovative son-in-law. His nicknames for you and your husband are refreshing when one considers what some in-laws are called.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)