DEAR ABBY: Twenty years ago, when I was a teen-ager, I was inspired by a letter in your column. A woman had written about a recent tragedy in her life, having lost a parent due to a terrible accident. The writer appealed to your readers to make amends with family and friends as soon as possible, for her tragedy was compounded by having quarreled with her dad and not having "made up" before he died. You recommended that people live their lives to the fullest every day, and not to take family and friends for granted.

Well, even at 17, I recognized good advice when I saw it. I live each day to the fullest to the best of my ability and I have not taken my family for granted.

My dad recently passed away -- suddenly, without warning, from a heart attack. He was 62. The thought that has comforted me in the loss of my father was knowing that he and I had no "shoulda, coulda, woulda's." I long ago confronted him about things in our relationship that we needed to work out, and because of that our father/daughter relationship turned into a friendship. The same is true of my relationship with my mother and brother. During the last few years, my parents and I had even taken mini-vacations together.

So, while I miss my dad terribly and wish he were still with us, I know we had the best relationship possible. I have no regrets and I know he didn't either. Thank you for the advice, Abby. I am grateful. -- ALISON GAULDEN, RENO, NEV.

DEAR ALISON: Please accept my sympathy for the loss of your beloved father. I'm touched that something you read in my column inspired you to make the most of every precious moment you had with him. Years ago, a reader sent me this wonderful poem that says it very well:

If you are ever going to love me,

Love me now, while I can know

The sweet and tender feelings

Which from true affection flow.

Love me now

While I am living.

Do not wait until I'm gone

And then have it chiseled in marble,

Sweet words on ice-cold stone.

If you have tender thoughts of me,

Please tell me now.

If you wait until I'm sleeping,

Never to awaken,

There will be death between us,

And I won't hear you then.

So if you love me, even a little bit,

Let me know it while I'm living

So I can treasure it.

DEAR ABBY: I am invited to a "black-tie" evening wedding this month, so please answer this ASAP. What exactly is black-tie wear for men and women? Is there a difference between "formal" and "black tie"? -- NEEDS TO KNOW IN SANDPOINT, IDAHO

DEAR NEEDS TO KNOW: There is no difference between "formal" and "black tie." It means the men should wear tuxedos, and the women should wear long dresses or dressy cocktail attire.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My husband was downsized from a large company 16 months ago. He collected unemployment for six months, then began a business that he runs from our home.

I have been the sole support of our family during this period. Recently he began taking a class near his former office. His class began in the morning and ended at 2 p.m. When he returned home one evening, I asked him how his day had gone. He stated that he had gone to lunch with a lady from his old office. (She happened to call him last week for someone's phone number and mentioned that "no one ever takes her to lunch.") My husband generously offered because he was going to be in the area the next week. He never mentioned it during the week prior to what I call "his date."

His class needed to work through lunch, so he called her to tell her. She offered to wait for him and have a late lunch when his class was over. He called her on my cell phone before the end of class to say he'd pick her up. This was at 1:30 p.m. He picked her up at his former office, and they drove to an expensive restaurant because "he didn't want to run into any former co-workers from his old company."

As he told me this story, I started to get angry because he had told me the previous day that we could not go out to eat because money was tight. When he saw I was getting angry, he jokingly said he had just made up the story to see my reaction. I decided to check it out by looking for a receipt from the restaurant that he originally stated he had gone to. I found it in his wallet and saw that his first story had been the correct one.

Looking back, I now realize that he cleaned his car -- something he never does -- in preparation for this date, borrowed my cell phone to confirm the date, and was unusually concerned about his appearance before going to this class that day. He thinks I'm out of line for being upset that he took this divorced "friend" to lunch. He says I'm jealous.

I feel used and disrespected since he kept the date a secret, picked her up for the lunch and then lied about it. What do you think? -- ANGRY WIFE

DEAR WIFE: I think your marriage could use a clean-up job. I smell a rat -- and I think it's your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share with you our son-in-law's clever and distinctive names for me and my husband.

He calls us "MIL" (or "Millie") for mother-in-law, and "FIL" for father-in-law. This nicely solves the multiple "Moms" and "Dads" problem when both families gather for parties.

On another note: His parents were already grandparents with their own special names before he and our daughter gave birth to a son.

When our grandson was close to 2, and we despaired of ever having a grandparent name, he began calling me "Mum" -- his version of our daughter's "Mom" name for me.

Perhaps this will be of help to other families having difficulties with the "name game." -- A HAPPY 'MIL' IN BONSALL, CALIF.

DEAR HAPPY 'MIL': You have an innovative son-in-law. His nicknames for you and your husband are refreshing when one considers what some in-laws are called.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 11 years. My husband began working the night shift, and after about 10 months of his throwing a co-worker and her family and me and my child together for barbecues, parties, etc., I found a love letter to him.

My husband and I are living in the same house until we can afford to get divorced or separated. The woman keeps calling here saying ugly things to me and calling me names. My soon-to-be-ex has told me they had only a one-time fling and they are "just friends" now. What should I do about the other woman? I want to be left alone, but it will be another month or so before I can move out.

She is married with children and her husband is willing to work it out with her, but I am pretty sure he doesn't know she is still calling here, and my husband is still calling her. I believe their affair is still going on, because once you catch a liar you never know what the truth is. -- DEBBIE IN MEMPHIS

DEAR DEBBIE: It appears the "other woman" is trying to harass and stampede you. Are you sure that separation or divorce is what you really want? Perhaps counseling for you and your husband could help to heal your marriage. It has worked in countless other cases.

Since your husband says they are "just friends," tell him that you want the harassment to stop or you will ask the woman's husband to stop it. He'll see that she gets the message. If the calls continue -- keep your word.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter from "Proud Mother in Illinois," who wrote that her daughter asked for, and received, a promise ring. I agree that these rings are a good idea. They promote conversations about serious topics such as sex, drugs and alcohol.

Abby, in my high school, men as well as women wear these rings as a symbol of their morals and beliefs.

What I wish to comment on is your statement that this custom allows parents and daughters to discuss and reinforce their family values. That comment is a stereotypical example of something my age group is trying to overcome and terminate. Girls should not be the only ones expected to abstain from premarital sex; boys should be expected to do the same. It is still commonly felt that girls are regarded as "sluts" if they participate in sexual activities, but men are admired because they are "players" or "studs."

If a family has both a son and a daughter, they should instill the same morals in both of them. If their daughter should save sex for marriage, so should their son.

Abby, your comment took us back to the age of the double standard -- something this generation is desperately trying to do away with. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Guilty as charged. Old habits die hard. Of course I agree there should be no double standard. I apologize for the slip of the pen and will try hard not to repeat it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 100th birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)