DEAR ABBY: My husband was downsized from a large company 16 months ago. He collected unemployment for six months, then began a business that he runs from our home.

I have been the sole support of our family during this period. Recently he began taking a class near his former office. His class began in the morning and ended at 2 p.m. When he returned home one evening, I asked him how his day had gone. He stated that he had gone to lunch with a lady from his old office. (She happened to call him last week for someone's phone number and mentioned that "no one ever takes her to lunch.") My husband generously offered because he was going to be in the area the next week. He never mentioned it during the week prior to what I call "his date."

His class needed to work through lunch, so he called her to tell her. She offered to wait for him and have a late lunch when his class was over. He called her on my cell phone before the end of class to say he'd pick her up. This was at 1:30 p.m. He picked her up at his former office, and they drove to an expensive restaurant because "he didn't want to run into any former co-workers from his old company."

As he told me this story, I started to get angry because he had told me the previous day that we could not go out to eat because money was tight. When he saw I was getting angry, he jokingly said he had just made up the story to see my reaction. I decided to check it out by looking for a receipt from the restaurant that he originally stated he had gone to. I found it in his wallet and saw that his first story had been the correct one.

Looking back, I now realize that he cleaned his car -- something he never does -- in preparation for this date, borrowed my cell phone to confirm the date, and was unusually concerned about his appearance before going to this class that day. He thinks I'm out of line for being upset that he took this divorced "friend" to lunch. He says I'm jealous.

I feel used and disrespected since he kept the date a secret, picked her up for the lunch and then lied about it. What do you think? -- ANGRY WIFE

DEAR WIFE: I think your marriage could use a clean-up job. I smell a rat -- and I think it's your husband.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share with you our son-in-law's clever and distinctive names for me and my husband.

He calls us "MIL" (or "Millie") for mother-in-law, and "FIL" for father-in-law. This nicely solves the multiple "Moms" and "Dads" problem when both families gather for parties.

On another note: His parents were already grandparents with their own special names before he and our daughter gave birth to a son.

When our grandson was close to 2, and we despaired of ever having a grandparent name, he began calling me "Mum" -- his version of our daughter's "Mom" name for me.

Perhaps this will be of help to other families having difficulties with the "name game." -- A HAPPY 'MIL' IN BONSALL, CALIF.

DEAR HAPPY 'MIL': You have an innovative son-in-law. His nicknames for you and your husband are refreshing when one considers what some in-laws are called.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 11 years. My husband began working the night shift, and after about 10 months of his throwing a co-worker and her family and me and my child together for barbecues, parties, etc., I found a love letter to him.

My husband and I are living in the same house until we can afford to get divorced or separated. The woman keeps calling here saying ugly things to me and calling me names. My soon-to-be-ex has told me they had only a one-time fling and they are "just friends" now. What should I do about the other woman? I want to be left alone, but it will be another month or so before I can move out.

She is married with children and her husband is willing to work it out with her, but I am pretty sure he doesn't know she is still calling here, and my husband is still calling her. I believe their affair is still going on, because once you catch a liar you never know what the truth is. -- DEBBIE IN MEMPHIS

DEAR DEBBIE: It appears the "other woman" is trying to harass and stampede you. Are you sure that separation or divorce is what you really want? Perhaps counseling for you and your husband could help to heal your marriage. It has worked in countless other cases.

Since your husband says they are "just friends," tell him that you want the harassment to stop or you will ask the woman's husband to stop it. He'll see that she gets the message. If the calls continue -- keep your word.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter from "Proud Mother in Illinois," who wrote that her daughter asked for, and received, a promise ring. I agree that these rings are a good idea. They promote conversations about serious topics such as sex, drugs and alcohol.

Abby, in my high school, men as well as women wear these rings as a symbol of their morals and beliefs.

What I wish to comment on is your statement that this custom allows parents and daughters to discuss and reinforce their family values. That comment is a stereotypical example of something my age group is trying to overcome and terminate. Girls should not be the only ones expected to abstain from premarital sex; boys should be expected to do the same. It is still commonly felt that girls are regarded as "sluts" if they participate in sexual activities, but men are admired because they are "players" or "studs."

If a family has both a son and a daughter, they should instill the same morals in both of them. If their daughter should save sex for marriage, so should their son.

Abby, your comment took us back to the age of the double standard -- something this generation is desperately trying to do away with. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Guilty as charged. Old habits die hard. Of course I agree there should be no double standard. I apologize for the slip of the pen and will try hard not to repeat it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 100th birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently went to visit my widowed, elderly father in Florida. Like many elderly, his eyesight is not what it once was. He suffers from macular degeneration and has trouble reading small print. What disturbed me so was the fact that he could no longer go to restaurants because he couldn't read the menu.

Why don't restaurants print menus in large print? I'm not suggesting that all of their menus be that way, only to have some on hand for people who would like them.

Abby, my father is not alone -- his friends are not going to restaurants either. They're embarrassed. I asked him why they don't ask the restaurants to provide large-print menus. He said they would laugh at him. I felt awful.

Please, Abby, be the voice of the elderly once again. These people have a lot of spendable cash, and it wouldn't hurt the restaurants to cater to this large group of people. We're all going to be there one day.

A word to the restaurant association would be appreciated by many. -- MILDRED, A LOVING AND CONCERNED DAUGHTER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MILDRED: I'm pleased to pass the word along, but a person doesn't have to be elderly to have trouble reading small print; being over the age of 40 is usually enough. Large-print menus are an excellent suggestion -- and while I'm at it, a clever restaurateur should be willing to keep a few pairs of reading glasses on hand as well as a couple of flashlights in case the ambient lighting isn't enough.

DEAR ABBY: Our 15-year-old daughter is grounded. My husband gave the punishment of one week off the phone, which I felt was appropriate. After one day of no phone calls, she asked to get on the Internet to check her e-mail. Her dad said no, because the Internet requires a phone line so that's considered the phone.

I told him I did not agree. I feel that if he takes away the Internet that it is considered another punishment. Rather than argue, we decided to let you decide, and both of us will abide by your decision for future disciplinary action. -- OAK HILL, W.VA., MOM

DEAR WEST VIRGINIA MOM: I vote with your husband. The purpose of the punishment was to give your daughter a week of "quiet time" to rethink the actions that led to her being disciplined in the first place.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share this information with your readers so they may start this great act of charity at their places of worship.

At our church, many of the children bring nonperishable food from home and put it into big baskets on the altar while the collection baskets are passed around. The food is then distributed to local food banks. The children enjoy doing it, and they learn the meaning of sharing and helping others in need. -- KIM IN SAVAGE, MINN.

DEAR KIM: That is an idea worth emulating -- and thank you for it. I'm sure that many churches, in many denominations, will find it worth considering.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)