DEAR ABBY: I have been married for 11 years. My husband began working the night shift, and after about 10 months of his throwing a co-worker and her family and me and my child together for barbecues, parties, etc., I found a love letter to him.

My husband and I are living in the same house until we can afford to get divorced or separated. The woman keeps calling here saying ugly things to me and calling me names. My soon-to-be-ex has told me they had only a one-time fling and they are "just friends" now. What should I do about the other woman? I want to be left alone, but it will be another month or so before I can move out.

She is married with children and her husband is willing to work it out with her, but I am pretty sure he doesn't know she is still calling here, and my husband is still calling her. I believe their affair is still going on, because once you catch a liar you never know what the truth is. -- DEBBIE IN MEMPHIS

DEAR DEBBIE: It appears the "other woman" is trying to harass and stampede you. Are you sure that separation or divorce is what you really want? Perhaps counseling for you and your husband could help to heal your marriage. It has worked in countless other cases.

Since your husband says they are "just friends," tell him that you want the harassment to stop or you will ask the woman's husband to stop it. He'll see that she gets the message. If the calls continue -- keep your word.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the letter from "Proud Mother in Illinois," who wrote that her daughter asked for, and received, a promise ring. I agree that these rings are a good idea. They promote conversations about serious topics such as sex, drugs and alcohol.

Abby, in my high school, men as well as women wear these rings as a symbol of their morals and beliefs.

What I wish to comment on is your statement that this custom allows parents and daughters to discuss and reinforce their family values. That comment is a stereotypical example of something my age group is trying to overcome and terminate. Girls should not be the only ones expected to abstain from premarital sex; boys should be expected to do the same. It is still commonly felt that girls are regarded as "sluts" if they participate in sexual activities, but men are admired because they are "players" or "studs."

If a family has both a son and a daughter, they should instill the same morals in both of them. If their daughter should save sex for marriage, so should their son.

Abby, your comment took us back to the age of the double standard -- something this generation is desperately trying to do away with. -- ANONYMOUS IN NEW JERSEY

DEAR ANONYMOUS: Guilty as charged. Old habits die hard. Of course I agree there should be no double standard. I apologize for the slip of the pen and will try hard not to repeat it.

CONFIDENTIAL TO ROSE PHILLIPS IN MINNEAPOLIS: Happy 100th birthday to the most wonderful mother-in-law a person could wish for!

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Cookbooklets I and II, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently went to visit my widowed, elderly father in Florida. Like many elderly, his eyesight is not what it once was. He suffers from macular degeneration and has trouble reading small print. What disturbed me so was the fact that he could no longer go to restaurants because he couldn't read the menu.

Why don't restaurants print menus in large print? I'm not suggesting that all of their menus be that way, only to have some on hand for people who would like them.

Abby, my father is not alone -- his friends are not going to restaurants either. They're embarrassed. I asked him why they don't ask the restaurants to provide large-print menus. He said they would laugh at him. I felt awful.

Please, Abby, be the voice of the elderly once again. These people have a lot of spendable cash, and it wouldn't hurt the restaurants to cater to this large group of people. We're all going to be there one day.

A word to the restaurant association would be appreciated by many. -- MILDRED, A LOVING AND CONCERNED DAUGHTER IN ILLINOIS

DEAR MILDRED: I'm pleased to pass the word along, but a person doesn't have to be elderly to have trouble reading small print; being over the age of 40 is usually enough. Large-print menus are an excellent suggestion -- and while I'm at it, a clever restaurateur should be willing to keep a few pairs of reading glasses on hand as well as a couple of flashlights in case the ambient lighting isn't enough.

DEAR ABBY: Our 15-year-old daughter is grounded. My husband gave the punishment of one week off the phone, which I felt was appropriate. After one day of no phone calls, she asked to get on the Internet to check her e-mail. Her dad said no, because the Internet requires a phone line so that's considered the phone.

I told him I did not agree. I feel that if he takes away the Internet that it is considered another punishment. Rather than argue, we decided to let you decide, and both of us will abide by your decision for future disciplinary action. -- OAK HILL, W.VA., MOM

DEAR WEST VIRGINIA MOM: I vote with your husband. The purpose of the punishment was to give your daughter a week of "quiet time" to rethink the actions that led to her being disciplined in the first place.

DEAR ABBY: I would like to share this information with your readers so they may start this great act of charity at their places of worship.

At our church, many of the children bring nonperishable food from home and put it into big baskets on the altar while the collection baskets are passed around. The food is then distributed to local food banks. The children enjoy doing it, and they learn the meaning of sharing and helping others in need. -- KIM IN SAVAGE, MINN.

DEAR KIM: That is an idea worth emulating -- and thank you for it. I'm sure that many churches, in many denominations, will find it worth considering.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Last year, my husband and I retired to a small town in which our son lives. He and his wife have two children, and ever since we moved here, they frequently call to say that the children want to come over and "visit." The visits last from four to 12 hours, since they both work.

Abby, it has gotten to the point where we have no freedom anymore. They have made no provisions for a sitter this summer, so they probably expect us to keep the children whenever we are at home. How can we let them know that we are available in emergencies, but every day is getting to be too much? We don't want to hurt their feelings. -- TIRED GRANDMA IN NEBRASKA

DEAR TIRED GRANDMA: If caring for the grandchildren has become a burden, you must be honest with your children and tell them exactly what you have told me. Finding reliable day care can be time-consuming, so unless you want the children "visiting" with you all summer, the time to announce your unavailability is right now.

DEAR ABBY: My mother passed away more than seven years ago, and on her deathbed she asked me to make sure my little sister was given a beautiful wedding, like the one she and my father had given me six weeks earlier. Of course I agreed because my sister is my very best friend and I need to honor my mother's request.

My sister is now engaged, and we are in the process of planning the wedding of her dreams. She is paying for most of it, and we're having a lot of fun. Everything went smoothly until I decided to plan and host a bridal shower before I move out of town. (I'll be 12 hours away.)

Shortly after my mother's death, my father remarried a woman his age who had never been married before. My brothers and sisters have accepted her into the family and been pleasant to her, although we do not consider her a "mother figure." We were all grown professionals at the time of my mother's death. During the past several years, she has been critical and judgmental about various family dilemmas and has tended to "pout" if she didn't get her way.

When I mentioned my intention to host a bridal shower to my father's wife, she led me to believe it was fine with her. She is now upset with me and my sister because SHE wanted to host the shower. We have tried to tell her that this is not appropriate. As matron of honor, isn't this one of MY responsibilities?

I have suggested that she host a bridal luncheon the day before the wedding, but she's still pouting about the shower. My father told me it's causing problems in his marriage. My sister and I have included her in planning the wedding, choosing the wedding gown and bridesmaids' dresses, and consulted her on various other decisions. Her childish, selfish behavior is causing lot of stress.

Abby, my sister and I want to do the right thing. Please advise us. -- STRESSED-OUT MATRON OF HONOR

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY WOMB-MATE: Happy birthday, Sissy!

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)