DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Distraught Husband" struck a chord with me, a daughter who finally took action to clean up the clutter that had overtaken my mother's life. Until last Christmas, my mother had never experienced having her many grandchildren gather around her table for a meal because she wouldn't allow anyone into her home.

Two years ago, I moved in with my daughters and we began the seemingly endless task of cleaning her house -- repainting, repairing, reupholstering and relandscaping. In the process, I found a fortune underneath piles of trash in a room she had forbidden me to enter. She experienced panic attacks and very real terror as I peeled away three decades worth of clutter.

Now, two years later, Mother has a regular cleaning lady, a gardener, a lawyer, an accountant and a stockbroker to manage the estate left by her parents. She has a beautiful home and enough money to travel around the world. We've had family gatherings, brunches for friends and neighborhood parties. Don't you just love happy endings?

Well, think again. There's no happy ending here. The truth is, Mother doesn't know how to function without the security blanket her clutter provided. She's angry with me for "ruining her life" and complains about me in outrageous terms to anyone who will listen. At the same time, she's overly dependent upon me and wants me involved in every aspect of her life. I know Mother needs help and suffers from age-related physical and mental problems, but I just can't take it anymore.

The best advice I can offer "Distraught Husband" is to get psychological counseling as a couple, BEFORE you begin tackling the cleanup. This is important, not only for her welfare, but to protect you from any false accusations that may come from her confused state of mind. Remember: The REAL clutter is in her head, and will still be there long after you clean up the house. -- TIME TO MOVE ON

DEAR TIME: Before you move on, please consider taking a short vacation instead. It will do wonders for your state of mind.

As our population is aging, more attention is being devoted to the growing need for services for seniors. There is help for your mother's physical and emotional problems, and respite care for you. A consultation with a geriatric specialist could benefit you greatly. You could also benefit by joining a support group for adult children of aging parents. Please consider all the options available before you throw in the towel.

Read on for another view of the same letter:

DEAR ABBY: I am 11 years old and I'm doing a project on the skeletal system. Part of my project is osteoporosis. Osteoporosis is called the "silent disease" because there are cases when you don't know you have it until you break a bone. One of the ways to prevent a fall that could result in a break is to keep rooms free of clutter and mess.

I am concerned about "Distraught Husband." Does his wife realize how dangerous it is for rooms to be cluttered? I suggest "Distraught" start by saying to his wife, "I'm concerned about your health." -- SKELETAL SMARTY IN JERSEY

DEAR SMARTY: Not only do you have a caring heart, you are intelligent. Slip-and-fall injuries can be life-threatening (and certainly life-altering) to frail seniors, and they should install grab bars in bathrooms, make sure there is adequate lighting on stairways, and remove scatter rugs that might cause serious accidents. A stitch in time saves nine.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My son and his fiancee recently canceled their wedding. She is in the Army. Before she left, our side of the family gave her a wonderful bridal shower, and they received an abundance of great gifts.

When we were told the wedding was "off," we went to her mother's house to get the gifts to return them to our family members. Her mother informed us that they were her daughter's gifts, and she was already using them in Texas.

I said, "No, they were for a COUPLE who were going to be married and are no longer going to be. The gifts must be returned." The woman told me she did not see why.

I tried to explain that my son recently got an apartment, but he would never have used the gifts knowing they were intended for the two of them when they got married.

Abby, is she right or am I? -- EMBARRASSED IN FREMONT, OHIO

DEAR EMBARRASSED: Since the wedding was canceled, the COUPLE should have returned the gifts that had not been used. Neither you nor the bride's mother should have been involved in returning them.

DEAR ABBY: A good friend of mine wrote the enclosed poem for his daughter. After she read it, she managed to get off cocaine.

I just found out that my daughter has been using cocaine. I am sending her a copy. I hope it will also help her. Abby, I pray that you will put this in your column, which I read every day. God bless you always. -- AN ARIZONA READER

DEAR READER: I pray the message of this poem will inspire your daughter and other cocaine users to quit:

MY NAME IS COCAINE by Larry Jackson

My name is Cocaine -- call me coke for short.

I entered this country without a passport.

Ever since then I've made lots of scum rich.

Some have been murdered and found in a ditch.

I'm more valued than diamonds, more treasured than gold.

Use me just once and you too will be sold.

I'll make a schoolboy forget his books.

I'll make a beauty queen forget her looks.

I'll take a renowned speaker and make him a bore.

I'll take your mother and make her a whore.

I'll make a teacher forget how to teach.

I'll make a preacher not want to preach.

I'll take all your rent money and you'll be evicted.

I'll murder your babies, or they'll be addicted.

I'll make you rob, and steal, and kill.

When you're under my power, you will have no will.

Remember, my friend, my name is "Big C."

If you try me one time, you may never be free.

I've destroyed many actors, politicians and heroes.

I've decreased bank accounts from millions to zero.

I'll make shootings and stabbings a common affair.

Once I take charge, you won't have a prayer.

Now that you know me, what will you do?

You'll have to decide -- it's all up to you.

Listen to me, and please listen well,

When you ride with Cocaine, you're headed for HELL.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am the oldest of three 20ish children. Our mother passed away many years ago. My sister is being married later this year, and I'm planning several parties for the happy couple. We are also entering into the planning stages of the wedding, but are encountering some difficulty with my father's wife. My problem is that she wants to be included in the planning of every party, as well as the wedding. It's not because we are particularly close to her -- it's to show her "socially elite" friends what a wonderful wedding SHE threw, even though she and my father refuse to pay for anything.

It has reached the point where we have been ordered to include her and her children. I'm tired of dodging the issue, and my siblings and I are tired not only of being nice and polite, but also of including her on things we are trying to plan for ourselves.

Please advise me about how to handle this. -- STEP-STRESSED IN THE MIDWEST

DEAR STEP-STRESSED: Don't dodge the issue -- face it. Since your father and his wife are paying for nothing, tell them in no uncertain terms that "he who pays the piper calls the tune." If your stepmother would like to take over one event, and pay for it, guarantee that you and your siblings will cooperate in every way and attend. And keep in mind that if you want to keep peace in the family in the future, your father, stepmother and step-siblings must be invited to the wedding and reception.

DEAR ABBY: I can't take it anymore. I am 9, and my sister (age 8) is constantly teasing me. Wherever I am, she's always in my face. I do not know what to do. My dad will not let me clobber her, so physical violence is out. Do you have any advice for me? I hope so. -- TEASED IN MENOMINEE, MICH.

DEAR TEASED: If you "clobber" your little sister, it will make her cry, but it won't solve the problem.

Teasing you is her way of trying to get and keep your attention. The more you try to ignore her, or get away from her, the harder she'll try to get you to notice her.

If you pay more attention to her, perhaps she'll be willing to give you more space when you want to do something on your own. Good luck!

DEAR ABBY: I have HAD it, and would like to express my thoughts on racism. Is there any person in the universe, from the beginning of time, who had anything to say at the moment of birth about whether they would be rich or poor, black or white, Hispanic or Asian, tall or short, boy or girl?

I am outraged at the arrogance of those who have decided that they are "better" than others who are different from themselves. If we are all created by a higher power, I would not choose to denigrate his creations. I wish I could tell each person who has ever been hurt by another person's ignorance how sorry I feel. -- MARY JANE, PORT ORCHARD, WASH.

DEAR MARY JANE: Your sentiments are noble. However, if you have done nothing wrong, it shouldn't be your responsibility to apologize.

When I read your letter, I was reminded of a wonderful quote attributed to Dr. Martin Luther King Jr.: "We all may have come on different ships, but we're in the same boat now."

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-size, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, IL 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)