DEAR ABBY: I'm a 65-year-old woman. My husband is 68. For the past seven years my husband (I'll call him Earl) hasn't been able to perform in the bedroom. To be honest, that didn't bother me one bit. Six months ago he decided to have an implant. Now he thinks he's a young stud again. He pesters me to death and wants sex four or five times a week, when once a week is more than I can handle.

My best friend, "Mildred," has been widowed for more than a year. She keeps telling me to send Earl over to her house as she has been starving since her husband died. I know she's very clean and free of any disease. I told her that I would write to you, and if you gave your approval, I would agree.

I'm not afraid of losing Earl, as Mildred isn't good-looking at all and she's a terrible cook. (My husband enjoys eating.)

Please answer this in your column because Earl picks up the mail, but neither he nor Mildred reads your column. -- PESTERED WIFE IN PHOENIX

DEAR PESTERED: Don't agree to the arrangement. If Earl and Mildred are "cooking on all burners" in the bedroom, you might be surprised to find he's less preoccupied with what's coming out of the kitchen. And as for having nothing to fear because Mildred isn't at all good-looking -- let me remind you what Benjamin Franklin said: "All cats are gray in the dark." I urge you to keep the home fires burning, and if Mildred says she's "starving," tell her to order take-out.

DEAR ABBY: Last year when I graduated from high school, my Aunt Loraine, who lives across the country from me and couldn't attend the ceremony, sent me a lovely congratulations card, a generous check, and a copy of your "Keepers" booklet. It was terrific.

I have begun receiving announcements from my friends who were a grade behind me. I'm in college and money is tight, but I'd like to give them a little remembrance, and I thought about your booklet since I enjoyed it so much.

Abby, I loaned my booklet to a girlfriend who's attending college in Berkeley, so I don't have the address to order them. Would you please print the address again? Not just for me, but also for others who would like to send the booklets to graduates. Thanks. -- ANITA IN NORTH CAROLINA

DEAR ANITA: I'm pleased to do it. Many people have discovered that mini-books and pamphlets make terrific add-ons to other gifts. As a matter of fact, yesterday I received a request from a woman who wanted to send the booklets to several of her grandnieces and grandnephews who are graduating from college. She said she was living on a limited income, and the booklets were great value for the dollar and so inspiring that she would be proud to send them. So for both you and the thoughtful aunty, the information is as follows:

To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Keepers, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Our 18-year-old daughter is a freshman in college. One morning we received a call from her roommate's mother, who is a friend of ours, letting us know that her daughter visited a tattoo parlor near the college and had gotten a tattoo on her back.

Worried and shocked, we called our daughter and discovered that she had gone too, and also had one! We discussed it with her and explained that in our country, people with tattoos are usually individuals who have been or still are in prison, and that tattoos are not reflective of our cultural background.

We love our daughter and respect most of her decisions. She has been a role model for her younger sister and brother.

Our daughter agreed to go to a dermatologist and have the tattoo removed, but we are concerned that being away at school and having so much freedom, she may make other decisions that are against our principles. Your opinion, please. -- WORRIED PARENTS IN WASHINGTON

DEAR WORRIED PARENTS: Although I would never consider having a tattoo, many popular American music stars, actors and sports figures now do. However, in your daughter's case, getting a tattoo was done on an impulse, which is probably why she so quickly agreed to have it removed at your request. As a young adult, she will -- and should -- make decisions on her own. Although you, as her parents, may not agree with all of them, they are hers to make.

As for the tattoo fad, I predict that as middle age and the force of gravity converge, laser surgeons will do a booming business.

DEAR ABBY: This is in response to "Royally Speaking," who stated that Henry VII and Henry VIII were not related to Kings Henry I through VI. This is not so!

All monarchs of England can trace their ancestry directly back to Egbert, who is considered the first king of all England and reigned from 802 to 839. Of course, not all monarchs have the same lineage.

Another interesting fact about the numbering of these monarchs before 1066 is that they were given names to tell them apart. Thus, there was Alfred the Great, Edward the Elder, Edgar the Peaceful, Ethelred the Unready and Edward the Confessor, to name a few.

William the Conqueror, in 1066, started the numbering process by being William I. He didn't like the title "The Conqueror" because he maintained he did not "conquer," but only took what was rightfully his. Since he was illegitimate, he was also known as William the Bastard. I'm sure he did not like that title either. -- ROBERT G.D. WILLIAMS, NEW ORLEANS

DEAR ROBERT THE HISTORIAN (OR ROBERT THE WISE): Several readers (including one who claimed to be a direct descendant of Oliver Cromwell, the Lord Protector of England) wrote to tell me that "Royally Speaking" had his facts wrong. Thank you for straightening out the lineage of England's eight kings named Henry.

CONFIDENTIAL TO "APPRECIATIVE IN ALBANY": The best way to repay the kindness of others is to follow John Wesley's Rule:

Do all the good you can,

By all the means you can,

In all the ways you can,

At all the times you can,

To all the people you can,

As long as ever you can.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wit's end. My brother-in-law and his wife, "Ethel," have two boys; one is 6 and the other is 3. I love them and would do anything for them, but there are times when the thought of seeing them makes my skin crawl. Their parents seem to believe that disciplining them is too much trouble, and would rather blame their bad behavior on "boys will be boys."

I have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter, "Pam." Since she could utter her first words, my husband and I have insisted she say "please" and "thank you." As she grows, we expect more manners and correct behavior from her, just as we were taught. We are not tyrants, but we believe there is a time and a place for everything. The dinner table in a restaurant (or anywhere else) is not the time or place to go running at full speed yelling at the top of their lungs.

The boys' grandmother and step-grandfather think the boys' behavior is acceptable and can't understand why we're so "strict" with Pam. It has reached the point where everyone else in the family avoids any contact with Ethel and her family, and plans things secretly.

I enjoy Ethel's company and want Pam to have a relationship with her entire family, but it's hard to explain to a 2 1/2-year-old why her cousins can jump on furniture, throw things in the house and eat ice cream for breakfast while she cannot. They also seem to think that tormenting Pam is OK, and they do it quite often. In fact, they have tried to run her over with a big wheel and have hit her with their toys. I don't want Pam to pick up on this inappropriate behavior.

When I try to intervene, their mother, father and grandmother pick them up, cradle them, then look at me and tell me the boys are just "playing" with her. I have voiced my opinion to no avail. Help me, please. -- HAD IT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HAD IT: Your brother-in-law and his wife have a responsibility to teach their boys what is appropriate behavior and what is not. The blame is entirely theirs. Discipline takes work, but the parents appear to be too lazy to put forth the effort. Imagine the headache when the 6-year-old must be in a structured environment -- such as school.

I don't blame the rest of the family for avoiding contact with these relatives. One out-of-control brat is hard to tolerate; two of them are too much to endure. Since Pam is too small to adequately defend herself against her unruly cousins, curtail her exposure to them.

DEAR ABBY: I wrote you recently regarding a dear friend with whom I have been corresponding for many years. After several years of receiving mail from her on little scraps of paper, I wrote to you and was advised to mail her a lovely box of stationery saying, "When I saw this, it reminded me of you and our many wonderful years of friendship, so I wanted you to have it."

I just received a letter from my friend, written on the lovely stationery I sent her, glowing with love and thanks. Thanks to you, Abby, I am ... NO LONGER SICK OF SCRAPS

DEAR NO LONGER SICK OF SCRAPS: No, no, dear lady, thank YOU. It's letters like yours that make writing this column so rewarding.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)