DEAR ABBY: I'm at my wit's end. My brother-in-law and his wife, "Ethel," have two boys; one is 6 and the other is 3. I love them and would do anything for them, but there are times when the thought of seeing them makes my skin crawl. Their parents seem to believe that disciplining them is too much trouble, and would rather blame their bad behavior on "boys will be boys."

I have a 2 1/2-year-old daughter, "Pam." Since she could utter her first words, my husband and I have insisted she say "please" and "thank you." As she grows, we expect more manners and correct behavior from her, just as we were taught. We are not tyrants, but we believe there is a time and a place for everything. The dinner table in a restaurant (or anywhere else) is not the time or place to go running at full speed yelling at the top of their lungs.

The boys' grandmother and step-grandfather think the boys' behavior is acceptable and can't understand why we're so "strict" with Pam. It has reached the point where everyone else in the family avoids any contact with Ethel and her family, and plans things secretly.

I enjoy Ethel's company and want Pam to have a relationship with her entire family, but it's hard to explain to a 2 1/2-year-old why her cousins can jump on furniture, throw things in the house and eat ice cream for breakfast while she cannot. They also seem to think that tormenting Pam is OK, and they do it quite often. In fact, they have tried to run her over with a big wheel and have hit her with their toys. I don't want Pam to pick up on this inappropriate behavior.

When I try to intervene, their mother, father and grandmother pick them up, cradle them, then look at me and tell me the boys are just "playing" with her. I have voiced my opinion to no avail. Help me, please. -- HAD IT IN SAN DIEGO

DEAR HAD IT: Your brother-in-law and his wife have a responsibility to teach their boys what is appropriate behavior and what is not. The blame is entirely theirs. Discipline takes work, but the parents appear to be too lazy to put forth the effort. Imagine the headache when the 6-year-old must be in a structured environment -- such as school.

I don't blame the rest of the family for avoiding contact with these relatives. One out-of-control brat is hard to tolerate; two of them are too much to endure. Since Pam is too small to adequately defend herself against her unruly cousins, curtail her exposure to them.

DEAR ABBY: I wrote you recently regarding a dear friend with whom I have been corresponding for many years. After several years of receiving mail from her on little scraps of paper, I wrote to you and was advised to mail her a lovely box of stationery saying, "When I saw this, it reminded me of you and our many wonderful years of friendship, so I wanted you to have it."

I just received a letter from my friend, written on the lovely stationery I sent her, glowing with love and thanks. Thanks to you, Abby, I am ... NO LONGER SICK OF SCRAPS

DEAR NO LONGER SICK OF SCRAPS: No, no, dear lady, thank YOU. It's letters like yours that make writing this column so rewarding.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I am an attractive, college-educated woman. For the past 18 months, I have been living with my boyfriend, "John," an attorney in a four-man firm. About six months ago, one of his partners threw a large, formal dinner to celebrate an important firm victory. Although I had met this partner and his wife (I'll call them Mel and Alice) many times, and they knew we lived together, the invitation came addressed to "John Doe and guest."

At the dinner, John was greeted warmly and introduced to the other guests, an assortment of accomplished and well-known local socialites. I was barely acknowledged and was left standing alone as John was escorted around the room. At dinner, I was seated at Alice's table. She never addressed a single comment to me, nor did she acknowledge any of my attempts to join the conversation.

Later, Alice approached each of the other ladies and invited them to join her for a tour of her beautiful home. She left me standing in the living room alone with the men. The snubbing was so pointed that later others commented on it to John. Being socially shy and insecure anyway, I was devastated.

John and I are being married soon. I do not want this nasty woman at my wedding. Even more, I do not want to give Alice the chance to snub me again by declining my invitation. John says we have no choice but to invite them. How should I handle this? It's eating me up. -- STILL STEAMING IN S.F.

DEAR STILL STEAMING: I don't know what was eating your hostess, but don't let her appalling display of bad manners eat away at your self-esteem.

You have my sympathy, but if John feels it's necessary to invite his partners to the wedding, regard it as business and include everyone. It will be your chance to show one and all what a terrific life partner and helpmate John has selected. To do anything less than be gracious would reduce you to her level.

DEAR ABBY: The letter about the teaching nun reminded me of the only teacher who treated me like I was someone special. His name was Mr. Fleming, and he was a teacher at Glenbrook North High School in Northbrook, Ill. I was a student there between 1966 and 1969.

I came from a large family. I had no confidence whatsoever and was suicidal at times. No one paid any attention to me, and I was going downhill. Then classes started, and all of a sudden there was this teacher who made each and every one of us feel important and that we could accomplish anything. Needless to say, there was always perfect attendance in his class.

The sister who instructed her students to each write down something nice about their fellow students was truly inspired. Luckily, I had Mr. Fleming -- but for students who are not so fortunate, the sister's idea could be a real blessing. Teen-agers' feelings are so tender and fragile. -- BEEN THERE IN PARKLAND, FLA.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Many former students have had teachers who influenced their lives in positive ways long after their school years were over. A wonderful way to repay the kindness is to write the teachers a letter and tell them what a difference they made. Such a letter would become a treasured keepsake.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: When I read the letter from "Father Time," I had to write. Please consider the text of the enclosed e-mail that was sent to my daughter, who was a math major in college.

"Who am I to disagree with the eggheads, but it seems to me that computer types have the same disadvantage the ancient Romans had -- no zero! Some say the next century doesn't start until the year 2001. I say that's like saying there's nothing between zero and one!

"From flat broke to $1 is 99 cents in my book. If you have one penny (1/100 dollar), you're on your way to $1. From zero to 10 is 10. From 10 to 11 is one. From 10 to 20 is 10. From zero to one is an infinite number of fractions, and these fractions are something to be considered. Or did I miss something in the first grade? Doesn't midnight, Jan. 1, 2000, equal year 2000 plus 1/365th year?"

Abby, I'll bet you're sorry you agreed with "Father Time" about the start of the new millennium. -- FLOYD IN VICTORVILLE, CALIF.

DEAR FLOYD: Let me put it this way: When I printed that letter, I had no idea I'd wind up in the middle of a hot controversy. I have been deluged with letters arguing both sides of this question, and now I'm beginning to wonder if it isn't just a matter of perspective. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Father Time," who reminded us that the new millennium will start Jan. 1, 2001 (and not 2000), is right, of course, but your response raises another "timely" point concerning the century. A century being defined as any period of 100 years, we can talk about the 1900s as a century (1900 to 1999) OR we can interest ourselves with the 20th century (1901 to 2000, which does not coincide with the 1900s), which will end the instant that the 21st century begins -- that is, Jan. 1, 2001. -- CLOCK WATCHER, ONTARIO, CALIF.

DEAR CLOCK WATCHER: My head is spinning! Read on:

DEAR ABBY: "Father Time" is correct -- there are 100 years in a century. However, the first century doesn't encompass the years 1 through 100; it encompasses the years 0 through 99. Babies are not 1 year old when they're born. They TURN 1 after a year has passed. All measuring sticks start at 0 -- not 1. So don't be embarrassed, Abby. It's "Father Time" who needs to reset his clock, not you. -- RUTH IN PHOENIX (SOON TO CELEBRATE THE NEW MILLENNIUM)

DEAR RUTH: Thank you for the kind words. I'll print just one more letter on this subject, because at this point my entire office staff are at each other's throats. Read on:

DEAR ABBY: If Matthew 2:1 is correct, we may have already passed the year 2001. When Dionysius Exiguus looked back more than 500 years and calculated when Jesus was born, he chose a time that secular historians say was four years after the death of King Herod! Not knowing exactly the age of Jesus when the "wise men" entered the "house" (verse 11), we can estimate that Jesus was born between 2 B.C. and 7 B.C., which means that we are now between 2001 and 2006 A.D. or C.E. (Common Era).

Whether we celebrate in 2000 or 2001 has no real significance, but those who wait a year will have 366 days of frustration (don't forget it's leap year). -- THE REV. W. CARROLL TINSLEY, DECATUR, GA.

DEAR MR. TINSLEY: That depends on how you look at it. At least those who observe 2001 as the beginning of the new millennium won't have any trouble getting a reservation for their celebration.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)