DEAR ABBY: When my husband and I went to Europe on vacation, we asked our next-door neighbor to keep an eye on our house. My husband's parents had volunteered to do it. However, although I have a close and cordial relationship with my in-laws, I felt more comfortable leaving the key with neighbors who are members of our local neighborhood watch group. They could keep a closer eye on things while we were away.

Months later, at Christmas, I discovered my mother-in-law had been in our house several times in our absence "looking for gift ideas." When they gave us a set of pots and pans, she admitted to having gone through the linen closet and our kitchen cupboards. I was shocked, and asked when she had done this. She then disclosed that they had made a duplicate of our hide-a-key and had stopped by on several occasions when our neighbor was at work, just to check our house, "which is so much better than leaving it to a stranger."

My husband and I discussed it and decided not to ruin the holidays by confronting his mom and dad and asking them to return the key.

We are now moving to a new house in a town farther away. I'm sure his folks will want to stay with us when they come to visit, and we will be happy to have them.

We feel that our privacy has been violated. However, we don't want to cause a rift in the family. How can my husband and I prevent them from having the key to our new home duplicated? -- LOOKING FOR PRIVACY, NO CITY, PLEASE

DEAR LOOKING: I understand your desire not to spoil the holidays; however, I sense that you are looking for a solution that will avoid confrontation.

Invest in a keyless entry system for your new home, and change the entry code the day after your in-laws depart. If that isn't feasible, I suggest a heart-to-heart discussion about your privacy, or re-key the locks after they leave.

DEAR ABBY: I'm about to be married for the third time, to a woman who is also twice divorced. I love her dearly and I know she loves me, but there's a problem:

"Crissy" wants to keep her last married name for the sake of her daughter so that she and her daughter will have the same last name. The daughter, "Janie," is 9, and Crissy is worried that Janie will feel abandoned if her mother has a different last name. She also says it's easier if school records and medical records show her mother having the same last name.

I feel she should drop her former husband's last name and adopt mine. For her not to do so would be a sign that she isn't going into this marriage with 100 percent commitment. Am I being petty, or do I have a legitimate gripe? -- MY NAME OR HIS?

DEAR MY NAME: Multiple marriages and blended families are so common these days that your wife is worrying needlessly about her daughter's school and medical records. However, if she's afraid Janie would feel "abandoned" if she's the only person in the household with the former name, a compromise might be to hyphenate her present name with yours. It's a popular practice among professional women.

Abby shares her favorite recipes in two booklets: "Abby's Favorite Recipes" and "Abby's More Favorite Recipes." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 per booklet ($4.50 each in Canada) to: Dear Abby Booklets, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included in price.)

DEAR ABBY: I have been married to "Yuri" for almost 14 years. We have three children. It hasn't always been easy. We have had our differences. Recently, Yuri told me that he loved me less than he used to. Abby, I don't know what to make of this.

Does this mean the love is permanently gone, or do we have a chance of bringing back the flame? -- CONFUSED IN WENDOVER, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR CONFUSED: Your husband may have meant that the "spark" has dimmed in your marriage -- but I wouldn't call that hopeless. I suspect he was either angry when he said it, or he misses the "excitement" of first love.

Several things can be done to rekindle the passion you once felt for each other. Start thinking about what attracted you and Yuri to each other in the first place, and use that to recapture the magic of your early years together. Consult a marriage counselor to explore what issues might be dividing you. Explore a marriage encounter program designed to make a good marriage even better. If you opt to try this avenue, check with your church about the availability of such programs.

DEAR ABBY: A reader asked you why some people are offended when you ask them their age.

My Eastern European grandmother was a Polish Jew. She died in 1954, when she was in her 90s. She would not divulge her age, or even discuss age in general. Gray hair was not in her makeup either.

Her generation with the same ethnic background believed that the angel of death was constantly looking and seeking candidates. If the angel heard her discussing or revealing her age, he would realize that he had overlooked my grandmother. -- THE VIRGINIA AGE MAVEN

DEAR VIRGINIA AGE MAVEN: (For those who might not know, "maven" means expert or authority in Yiddish.) Thank you for a fascinating letter. It reminded me of another interesting Jewish superstition. The reason Ashkenazy Jewish people do not name their sons "junior" is the fear that the angel of death might confuse the generations and take the child instead of the father.

For a clever response to the age question for those who prefer not to reveal that information, read on:

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter about people who become offended when asked their age, a simple reply will do. Say, "Age is only a number and mine is unlisted." That should stop the curious in their tracks. -- C.G. IN SPRING HILL, FLA.

DEAR C.G.: You are a wit! Another reader wrote that her mother stopped such personal questions with this response: "Can you keep a secret? I can!" With a little humor, even the rudest questions can be answered without divulging personal information.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I recently gave a party for about 50 of my friends. One of the late arrivals was my beautiful and talented friend "Sara," who arrived accompanied by her new beau, "Sam," whom I had not yet met, but about whom I had heard quite a bit. I greeted them both warmly and invited them into my home. But what I really wanted to do was turn to my other guests and call out, "This is Sam, the man who has been beating our friend Sara."

Since the party, others have told me that had they realized who he was, they wouldn't have shaken his hand, or they would have "told him a thing or two." The bottom line is that we were all polite, even cordial, toward him -- and that's what is bothering me. I know enough about domestic violence to know that if you make the abuser uncomfortable, he will inevitably take it out on the victim. But if we all remain silent, it can appear as though we condone his behavior which, of course, we do not.

I still feel uneasy about treating him as though he were any other welcome guest. As a host, Abby, how would you have handled it? -- THE HOSTESS WHO KNEW TOO MUCH IN FLORIDA

DEAR HOSTESS: I would have handled it exactly the way you did. Publicly embarrassing Sam would not have curtailed his violence, and might have resulted in another beating for Sara.

However, you and Sara's other friends should not sit idly by. Let her know that she does not have to tolerate his abuse, that the beatings are not her fault regardless of how he tries to place the blame on her, and unless he is willing to get psychiatric help, he will not change. Sara should also be told that all of you support her, and for her own safety she must end this romance before he seriously injures or kills her.

DEAR ABBY: I'm responding to the two letters you printed about winery tasting room employees. I have worked in the wine hospitality business for more than 25 years, primarily as a consultant in tasting rooms.

It would be wrong for me to say there is absolutely not one person in the wine business -- or any other business -- with an alcohol problem. But there is no "dirty little secret" about tasting room employees.

My experience is that the vast majority of tasting room employees do not abuse wine, and I've worked with literally hundreds of employees. We practice responsible consumption for ourselves and our guests. The two letters you published on the subject are the exception, not the rule. The wine business is committed to using wine in moderation, particularly with meals. Please set the record straight. -- CRAIG ROOT, ST. HELENA, CALIF.

DEAR CRAIG: I think your letter does that very well. However, although the wine industry urges consumers to "enjoy in moderation," not all individuals are willing or able to acknowledge when enough is enough. It is not my intention to trash the industry, but the people whose letters I published were genuinely concerned about a small group of employees.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)