DEAR ABBY: My boyfriend is very nice, and I think he respects me, but I don't know how to motivate him to take me out once in a while. His idea of fun is sitting home and watching TV. If I decide to go out with my friends because I'm tired of sitting at home, he becomes very insecure. I've tried telling him how I feel, but that hasn't helped. Any ideas? -- MICHELE IN PATASKALA, OHIO

DEAR MICHELE: A compromise is in order. Bring the subject up again when he's in a good mood and the two of you are sharing a close moment. Make a plan to go out with your boyfriend once a week and do something that you enjoy. Another night, get involved in an activity that he enjoys. That way, some of your needs are met -- and eventually he'll be more secure if you have an occasional night out with the girls.

If he makes no effort to understand and accommodate you, it might be time to find another boyfriend.

DEAR ABBY: For many years I have admired your levelheaded and sympathetic advice to readers troubled by life's periodic sorrows, so I mean no disrespect when I ask you to help me understand your recent counsel to people offering their sympathies to grieving parents.

In a recent column about well-meaning but hurtful comments to women who have recently miscarried, you advised: "If a friend loses a child through miscarriage, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a 'living' child, because she has."

Doesn't it follow then that, "If a friend loses a child through abortion, express your feelings of sorrow as though she had lost a 'living' child, because she has"?

If you'd prefer to answer my question privately, by letter, please do -- I'm enclosing my address. -- LARRY PONT, CHICAGO

DEAR LARRY: I have received a number of letters from readers asking me that same question, so I'll forgo a "private" response and answer you in print. An abortion is something the woman has CHOSEN to have, so the degree of sadness is usually not the same -- or is, in fact, nonexistent.

Interestingly, women often react to an abortion with the same emotions they bring TO it. A woman who has independently concluded that she wants or needs to have an abortion will have fewer negative feelings about it than a woman who was pressured into having one.

DEAR ABBY: My husband and I live in a semidetached home we saved for years to buy. However, we have a problem with our new neighbors. They are nice people, but they play their stereo so loudly that the boom from the bass is knocking the pictures off our walls! Asking them to stop hasn't worked. Calling the police about the noise takes too long. We don't want to move, but what else can we do? -- ORIGINAL HOME OWNER, OSHAWA, ONTARIO, CANADA

DEAR ORIGINAL: Since you describe your neighbors as "nice," invite them into your home while their stereo is playing so they can hear what you're talking about for themselves. Then ask them if they would consider moving their stereo system to a wall that is not a shared wall. If that doesn't work, consider upholstering the adjoining wall to help muffle the sound.

CONFIDENTIAL TO JEANNE: Happy birthday, my precious, talented firstborn. What would I do without you? Don't tell me; I don't want to know.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: Is it possible to have a family pet problem without a solution? I live in Virginia. Several years ago my parents retired to Florida after living here for many years.

The problem is they insist on visiting us with their cat and dog several times a year for weeks at a time. At first we accepted this arrangement despite allergies to animals and the dog having regular "accidents" in the house. It has been a sore subject between my husband and me, because he has never been a "pet person."

We recently purchased a new home and have invested in new carpeting. We have been honest with my parents and told them that while we welcome them anytime, to please make other arrangements for their pets.

They are furious about our decision, criticizing us for valuing belongings over family, threatening to never visit our children, and accusing us of "kicking them out." They will never put their animals in kennels.

Are they asking too much of us, or have we unfairly changed the rules on them, as they claim? -- CONFUSED IN RICHMOND

DEAR CONFUSED: People are emotional about their pets and compromise is difficult. On their next visit, encourage your parents to stay at a motel or hotel that accepts pets. Even if you must share the cost of their lodging, it will probably be cheaper than carpet cleaning and the wear and tear on your new home.

DEAR ABBY: For many years I have regarded your column as a neutral observer of human problems. One recurring topic that appears concerns "giving the bride away" at a wedding ceremony. The custom exists worldwide in various ethnic groups.

Historically the custom is based on the centuries-old concept of a woman (daughter) being the property or chattel of the male head of the family (father). It precedes even Biblical practices.

In our contemporary strides for gender equality, the practice hardly seems necessary at a wedding. In all states, a man and a woman enter into a contractual union essentially and legally based on their individual free-will choice. They give themselves to each other. It's not a matter of giving away a female piece of property.

In 16 years I performed more than 25,000 civil ceremonies for couples from 50 states and 81 countries. I rarely permitted the giving away of a bride, making exceptions based on foreign practices. To me, the "giving away" was similar to selling a piece of real estate. I could not, and do not, accept the practice among contemporary brides born in the U.S.A. -- "MARRYIN' SAM" FROM NEVADA

DEAR "MARRYIN' SAM": Your letter is sure to raise the eyebrows of many brides-to-be, although it may not diminish their desire to be "given in marriage" by their fathers. Although the contemporary bride in reality gives herself to her husband, one look through a bridal magazine should be a clue to how she clings to tradition.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I am very frustrated and need your help. Please do not use my name, city or state. It could get my husband fired.

"Al" works for one of the largest electrical utilities in the country. He's a lineman and puts his life on the line every day. Al works hard, gets along well with co-workers and supervisors, and responds promptly every time he's called for an emergency. He has worked many holidays and missed a number of family celebrations.

So what's the problem? Al is verbally chastised and receives low evaluation scores because he uses his sick days when he's ill. With young children, we have the usual colds, flus and viruses. He got the flu twice last winter, and I thought the company was going to fire him. The supervisor demanded that Al get a doctor's note for the days he missed.

Abby, the unspoken rule is DO NOT USE SICK DAYS. His company touts safety and rewards employees for safety records but demands that they work even when sick. How safe can it be for a man shaking with chills and fever to be perched on a utility pole, 40 feet in the air?

The company hasn't singled Al out -- they treat all employees this way. In my opinion, forcing employees to work while sick is not in the best interests of the employees or the company. I cannot imagine why the company clings to this warped way of thinking.

How should we handle this without jeopardizing Al's job? -- LINEMAN'S WORRIED WIFE

DEAR WORRIED WIFE: Your husband has the right to use his sick days as long as the need is legitimate. If the company is strict about bringing a doctor's excuse after each illness, Al must accept it and not take it personally.

Unless Al is being singled out and treated differently than his peers, or the company is violating an established policy, there is nothing to be done except consider finding a job with a different company, or another line of work.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing in response to the letter from the gay man who finally came out after many years of marriage and several children.

Abby, I can relate to the man's wife. A few years ago, my husband came out at the age of 45, when our daughter was 9 years old. It was very traumatic, but I discovered a support group for us, the spouses.

Amity Pierce Buxton, Ph.D., wrote a book I found very helpful. It's titled "The Other Side of the Closet: The Coming-Out Crisis for Straight Spouses and Families." She also coordinates support groups, and counsels spouses and ex-spouses of bisexual, gay and lesbian mates.

There is also an online support network: Straight Spouse Network at www.ssnetwk.org. It, too, is a lifesaver your readers should know about. -- SAN FRANCISCO SPOUSE

DEAR SPOUSE: Thank you for the information. I'm sure it will be of interest to the estimated 2 million straight spouses of bisexuals, gays and lesbians. Originally published in 1991, the book has now been expanded and revised.

Readers, if the book isn't available in your bookstore or the library, you can call the publisher, John Wiley & Sons Inc., at (800) 225-5945, for information on how to order a copy.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)