DEAR ABBY: My husband and I have been happily married for 21 years. A couple of weeks ago, he surprised me with the news that we're going on an all-expense paid trip to France and the Cote d'Azur courtesy of his company. It will be our first trip to Europe together, and I'm very excited. I see this as kind of a second honeymoon.

Now, here's the rub: Five years ago, I was diagnosed with breast cancer. I had a mastectomy, underwent six months of chemotherapy and had some reconstructive surgery. Though breast cancer is never cured, I was given an optimistic prognosis. I have done my best to regain my life and live each day. It took a while to not think about dying all the time, and I think I have gotten to the point where I look toward living the future.

We have been making plans for our trip and, much to my surprise, my husband said he would like us to go to some of the nude beaches when we're on the Riviera. I have been on nude beaches before and I'm certainly no prude, but I'm very uncomfortable about being seen in public with my "deformity."

I am very physically fit -– but I feel like a freak with only one breast. My husband was surprised when I said I'm uncomfortable about going topless, and though I know he would never make me do anything I feel uncomfortable about, I could tell he thought that I have a problem. Now I'm wondering if I DO have a problem. -- SURVIVOR IN SAN FRANCISCO

DEAR SURVIVOR: You are understandably self-conscious because you feel you look "different." Your husband probably reacted the way he did because he still regards you as a beautiful woman, and he no longer "sees" your mastectomy scars.

As you already know, you see everything on the nude beaches in Europe -– old, young, fat, thin, and everything in between. This includes people who have had various surgeries, scars and all, so please don't be concerned about being viewed as a curiosity. If you prefer to remain covered, go with your feelings. There's no law that obligates you to undress.

However, before you make a final decision, please discuss the idea of a day at the beach with your physician. Because scar tissue does not tan, you might be advised to take special precautions to protect your skin.

DEAR ABBY: I have a very close-knit family -– four grown children and nine grandchildren. My daughter "Kay" lives in a neighboring town and brings her two children for Sunday dinner with me once a month. My other children live locally and come for dinner every Sunday. My son "Tom" always brings his dog.

The dog is very playful. However, the last time Kay was here with her children, the dog snapped at the baby. My grandson is 19 months old, not yet steady on his feet, and he almost fell over. Kay says she won't come here anymore if Tom brings the dog -– and Tom says he won't come if he can't!

Abby, Kay thinks the dog is more important to me than my grandson. I just want everything to stay as it was. What can I do? -- CAUGHT IN THE MIDDLE IN N.J.

DEAR CAUGHT: Tell Tom it's time to grow up and reorganize his priorities. A snapping dog who is unpredictable around small children is not "playful"; it's a dog bite waiting to happen. For the child's safety, the dog must be kept away from the baby. If Tom chooses to exclude himself from one family dinner a month -– then so be it.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: "Flower Fans" had a good idea in sending a "thinking of you" card a week after a funeral, and a flower arrangement a month later, but may I suggest that you don't stop there? It's comforting to know that others are going through those difficult "firsts" with you.

How about a card in mid-November pledging thoughts and prayers for that first holiday season with an empty place at the festive table? If a parent was lost, a note before Mother's or Father's Day can help them get past the store displays of cards they can no longer send. Especially for the loss of a child, send a card just before the absent one's birthday. The first anniversary of a loved one's death should be commemorated.

Cards should carry a simple, encouraging tone. Notes need not be elaborate. Just say, "I'm thinking of you at this time," share a happy memory of the departed that is associated with the occasion, or say something such as, "Your daddy would have been so proud of you today." Although flowers, lunch and service are an important way of showing you care, a card can be read in the middle of the night when sleep won't come, or read again on a lonely morning. Words on a page can be wrapped around you like a warm hug, reminders that you care.

Our modern times are often hectic, and it's all too easy to forget another's quiet grief in the hustle of our own lives, but I have found that by marking reminders all through the calendar, I can keep our friends' needs in mind as the months go by. As the saying goes, "A joy shared is multiplied; grief shared is grief divided." -- SUSIE IN OLYMPIA, WASH.

DEAR SUSIE: You have offered some excellent suggestions for supporting friends and family who have lost a loved one. It's an unpleasant part of life that many people do not want to dwell on. However, it's worth remembering that anyone can be a friend when things are rosy; the time when friendship is needed most is when they're not.

DEAR ABBY: The letter from "Lost in Love" brought to mind a quote I read somewhere years ago. I don't recall the source. It pertains to both of the quotes you used in your reply.

"Distance is to love what wind is to a flame. If it is a little flame, the wind will blow it out. If it is a big flame, the wind will fan it and make it grow hotter." --STANLEY J. POPLAWSKI, CARLSTADT, N.J.

DEAR STANLEY: Of course, whether a long-distance romance can survive would depend on the individuals involved. Several readers have informed me that courting by mail actually helped them to know each other better, with less "distraction" than a typical dating relationship. However, I think much depends upon their ages and their level of commitment.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: The last time you mentioned SPAY/USA in your column, we received about 15,000 telephone calls in three weeks. SPAY/USA helps people locate veterinarians or programs with affordable spay-neuter services for cats and dogs. Because you printed the letter in the winter, before litter season, the births of several hundred thousand unwanted pups and kittens were prevented. Most of them would have ended up on the streets or in shelters -- not in permanent homes.

During 1999 we are making a special effort to reach people who are still resisting, still procrastinating, still not making the time or effort to get their cats and dogs to the vet to be spayed/neutered and vaccinated. Abby, if we can reach that hard-core 1 percent of pet owners, we can prevent the killing of 6 million surplus cats and dogs in this country.

Our campaign is called "Start Targeting One-Percenters" (S.T.O.P.). Readers who want to help -- or who have cats or dogs to "fix" -- can call (800) 248-SPAY (7729). Our phone counselors will give them information on the nearest participating vet, clinic or program. Thank you, Abby, for caring. -- ESTHER MECHLER, SPAY/USA, A PROGRAM OF THE PET-SAVERS FOUNDATION

DEAR ESTHER: The fact that only 1 percent of irresponsible pet owners are the cause of the destruction of 6 million innocent animals is certain to leave animal lovers aghast. Dogs and cats that are not intended for breeding should be spayed or neutered. This eliminates the risk of ovarian or testicular cancer, reduces the risk of prostate disorders, and eliminates the urge for the pet to wander and "mark its territory." Readers, spring is upon us, and with it, thousands of unwanted litters -- so please don't delay getting your pets spayed or neutered.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing regarding the letter in your column from the guy who complained about the freeloading guest. He and his roommates might want to seek the advice of a lawyer before taking any action.

I found myself in a similar situation and decided to get legal advice before changing the locks, etc. I was shocked to find that according to the law, my unwanted guest was now my "tenant" and I her "landlord." In order to get her out, I would be required to take her to court and evict her -- a 60-day process -- during which time she could remain in my home, placing me and my possessions at risk!

Another option my lawyer suggested was that I move out, and let my landlord evict her. Of course, that would mean I'd lose my deposit, ruin my credit, and leave myself open to a lawsuit from my landlord.

It took a month, but I tricked her into moving. I quit buying food, blocked all but local calls on my phone and disconnected the cable TV. I told her I had to move because my landlord had sold the house. I packed everything I own, but moved only a few of the valuables for safekeeping.

We now have a new rule at our house -- no temporary houseguests. -- BEEN THERE IN SPRINGFIELD, MO.

DEAR BEEN THERE: Your letter, viewed from a legal perspective, is certainly an eye-opener. After reading it, many hospitable souls may be tempted to roll up their welcome mats.

To order "How to Write Letters for All Occasions," send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Letter Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)