DEAR ABBY: I owe you a debt of gratitude, and I'll tell you why: I'm the guy ("Tormented in Oregon") who suspected his wife of having an affair with another woman after finding a collection of love letters and poems written by her best friend, a gay woman I'll call Grace.

When I returned from work the day my letter was printed, I was confronted by my very angry wife, "Julie." I was shocked because I never dreamed you would print my letter. And just in case you did -- I had changed some details so that if it were published, she would not recognize that I wrote the letter. Boy, was I naive!

The letters and poems were actually written by Grace to an ex-lover. Julie was just holding onto them for safekeeping. I was immediately placed in the doghouse, primarily for snooping and jumping to conclusions. I had to promise to commit myself to some very intensive marriage counseling. I also had to apologize to Grace. She also felt violated that I had read something so personal without her permission.

Some of the things I have learned, and would not have, had you not printed my letter:

1. Marriage is based on mutual trust. This does not include snooping into your spouse's private papers.

2. If there are problems at home, look no further than yourself. Blaming some outside influence will get you nowhere.

3. Honest communication is essential, no matter how difficult or painful it may be.

4. Be grateful for your spouse's friends. True friendship gives everyone a fuller, happier life, and actually enriches the relationship between husband and wife.

5. Paranoia will destroy your marriage faster than anything else -- and may, in fact, drive your spouse away from you.

6. Gay women do not go around seducing straight women.

Again, Abby, thank you. We are not out of the woods yet, but thanks to you, we're getting there. By printing my letter, you made me fess up to my actions and confront my own demons. -- A GRATEFUL FRIEND IN OREGON

DEAR GRATEFUL FRIEND: Based upon the lessons you've learned in only one month, your personal growth has been phenomenal. For that I congratulate you. Letters like yours make my column rewarding. Thank you for the update and kind words.

DEAR ABBY: I am 74, and for the past three years, due to health problems, have been unable to write legibly. When e-mail came along, I got a computer. It brought me great joy to know that I could communicate with my family and friends of a lifetime. I have always been a writer and love to receive mail from people I care about, but I became frustrated when I could no longer write "thank-you" cards to them.

My question: Is it better to acknowledge my thanks via e-mail so the response is immediate, or wait for the days when I muster up the ability to write and sign a card? Personally, I prefer knowing they received my gift no matter how they let me know. -- RUTH PHILLIPS

DEAR RUTH: Those who care about you know about your difficulty with writing. If using a computer makes it easier to communicate with your family and friends, then do so. Perhaps you can also use it to design your own personalized thank-you cards.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My cousin "April" recently learned from a family member that I am pregnant. She was also told that if we have a boy, I intend to name him "Frank" after a dear uncle who passed away recently.

April immediately telephoned me and told me I couldn't name my child after our uncle because she's trying to get pregnant and intends to use the same name. She demanded I choose a different name so she could honor our uncle in this way.

Abby, April is not pregnant, and my baby is due in June. My husband was very upset by what she said, and told me never to speak to her again. My father says that when it comes to naming a baby, the first one born is the first one named.

April thinks I'm being rude and selfish by "doing this to her." My father says it doesn't matter because we live 2,000 miles apart.

Is there a tactful way to handle this without stirring up a feud with my cousin? -- IN A BIND

DEAR IN A BIND: You say in your letter "our uncle" -- however, if Cousin April is Uncle Frank's daughter, I see her point. But if Uncle Frank was her uncle, too, I see no reason why your child shouldn't be named anything you wish. If she uses the same name, the boys could be given different middle names, which would minimize confusion -- and because they live so far apart, I doubt it would inconvenience anyone. Cousin April should lighten up.

DEAR ABBY: I recently received a copy of a wonderful poem. It's supposed to be one that Audrey Hepburn shared with her family during her last Christmas, just weeks before she died. If that's true, it says a great deal about how that much-admired woman lived her life. I don't know who the author is, but perhaps you'll find it worth sharing with your readers. -- MORTON WRIGHT, GRANADA HILLS, CALIF.

DEAR MORTON: There's some inspiring philosophy in the poem, and it's well worth sharing. Read on:

Beauty Secrets

For attractive lips, speak words of kindness.

For lovely eyes, seek out the good in people.

For a slim figure, share your food with the hungry.

For beautiful hair, let a child run his fingers through it once a day.

For poise, walk with the knowledge you never walk alone.

We leave you a tradition of the future. The tender loving care of human beings will never become obsolete. People, even more than things, have to be restored, renewed, revived, reclaimed, redeemed and redeemed and redeemed. Never throw anyone away.

Remember, if you ever need a helping hand, you'll find one at the end of your arm.

As you grow older, you'll discover that you have two hands: One for helping yourself, the second for helping others.

You have great days still ahead of you. May there be many of them.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: As an animal lover, I'd like to share my story so that others may learn from my mistake.

I have had the best companion of my life, my dog Chelsey, for about seven years. Two years ago, I met "Mr. Wonderful," we fell in love, moved in together, and then the honeymoon started to deteriorate. I learned that Mr. Wonderful had a mean streak in him that I was unwilling to live with. As we arranged our breakup (settling bank accounts, dividing up furniture, etc.), Mr. W. made a very big issue out of how close he'd grown to Chelsey, and he insisted that he keep her. Against my better judgment, I let him have her.

Big mistake! To make a long story short, Mr. W. took Chelsey out to a rural area and dumped her. Mr. W. didn't want her -- he just wanted to get in one last dig at me.

So there I was, blindly thinking that the two of them were living happily ever after. Meanwhile, some kindly country folks found Chelsey and took her to the city animal shelter, where she was chosen "Pet of the Week." For this honor, she made a short appearance on one of the local TV stations' news broadcasts. I almost had a cardiac arrest when I saw my Chelsey on TV described as a "stray" found eating out of trash cans.

Abby, let this be a lesson. When you're breaking up with someone, don't let him have your beloved pet! -- PAT IN FIRCREST, WASH.

DEAR PAT: You and Chelsey are both very lucky -- first to have been reunited against great odds, and second, to have the pathological "Mr. Wonderful" out of your lives before he caused more damage.

DEAR ABBY: My letter is prompted by my frustration with insurance representatives with no medical knowledge. I am a physician, and am frequently asked by my patients to write or call on their behalf regarding a medical bill that the insurance company has denied. Many times, I am just repeating what the patient has already said to the claims person. Other times, I am engaged in disputes with claims people who don't know what they are talking about.

Recently I was explaining a disease process to an insurance representative when she haughtily informed me that she had taken a medical terminology class. Perhaps she is able to spell "nephrophthisis," but I believe her scope of knowledge ends there. Since I don't know how to fix cars, I certainly wouldn't argue with my mechanic about the automobile engine.

My colleagues report similar experiences. My patients share horror stories. I would like to hear an explanation as to why insurance companies employ people who handle claims in subjects about which they are not knowledgeable. -- FRUSTRATED DOC, UTICA, N.Y.

DEAR FRUSTRATED DOC: I suspect it has a lot to do with cost containment. If a medical professional were handling the claims, it might drive administrative costs through the roof; and if a debate actually occurred between two medically knowledgeable professionals about whether a claim should be paid, the company might find itself paying out more fees to doctors. I'd be interested in a response from insurance companies -- if it is short, sweet and to the point.

CONFIDENTIAL TO MY IRISH READERS: Happy St. Patrick's Day to one and all. In the words of an old Irish blessing:

May you never forget what is worth remembering,

Or remember what is best forgotten.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)