DEAR ABBY: I have never written a letter to a column in my entire life, but I was infuriated over the answer you gave "Repented in Oregon" about her tarnished reputation. (I'm assuming it must be a female because males don't get bad reputations for promiscuity.)

I was once a "tarnished teen" with low self-esteem. I find it ridiculous that you'd say it would be more effective to start over elsewhere. Isn't that considered running away from your problems? I didn't need to move to a new location to get the respect I now have and deserve.

Not that it was an easy road. It took a long time to learn to love and respect myself. My advice to "Repented" would be, "Believe in yourself." -- AVID READER

DEAR AVID READER: It will please you to know that I have been bombarded with mail from readers who disagreed with my answer. Many said that since the girl has repented, the matter is now between her and God, and she should hold her head up with pride and ride it out. Read on for a letter that shows particular insight:

DEAR ABBY: Your reply to "Repented" was sexist and old-fashioned. The reality is that none of us would like to be judged by what we did when we were younger. All of us have done things that we regret, but our lives go on. Those who condemn us for our past actions are not behaving with compassion and should be ignored.

George Sand said, "There are no more thorough prudes than those who have some little secret to hide." I know this to be true. After I was raped, I was promiscuous for a year. I refused to acknowledge what had happened to me or what I was doing to myself. After I married, I began acting like a prude, judging others, spreading malicious gossip and acting the part of a chaste woman. But deep down I hated myself.

I finally went into therapy. Although I'm not proud of what I did all those years ago, I understand now that I was surviving the only way I knew how. I now feel more regret for how I treated others when I gossiped and judged than about my past promiscuous behavior. I'm a different person than I was years ago; I feel compassion for others. I'm finally free of self-loathing.

Your advice sounded like "Repented" should feel shame for her past. Our society holds women by a different standard than men. I find it hard to believe she's the only person in that community who has done something she regrets. If people treat her badly, she should remember that it says more about who they are than who she is. -- FORGAVE MYSELF, GREAT FALLS, MONT.

DEAR FORGAVE MYSELF: If my advice sounded like "Repented" should feel shame for her past, it was not intentional. She has my sympathy. If she wishes to remain where she is -- and people can see that she has changed her lifestyle -- she may eventually rebuild her reputation. But it will take a long time, and she said that she is now practically friendless.

I thought she was asking how to start over. That is why I told her that starting over in a new location would be easier, faster and probably more effective.

Readers, I'll print more on this subject tomorrow.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns my dear mother-in-law. She wants to baby-sit my infant daughter after I return to work. "Grandma" is 80. She's deaf and frequently does not wear her hearing aid. She is physically frail, confused and forgetful. Needless to say, my husband and I are uncomfortable with the idea of her baby sitting.

She used to baby-sit our two older children, but we stopped asking her last year because we were concerned about her ability to keep track of two active youngsters.

Abby, I cannot stand the thought of telling her, "We don't want you to take care of the baby because we think you're too old to do a good job of it." It would break her heart. She does not see herself as incompetent because she still lives alone. Every time I see her she asks if she can watch the baby, and I just smile and shrug and say, "We're not sure what we're going to do with her once I go back to work."

Is there some nice way I can tell her the truth? Or should I make up some plausible story to avoid hurting her feelings? I love her dearly and don't want to hurt her, but my concerns about my baby's safety are valid. -- UNCERTAIN IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: The baby's welfare must come first. Without making an issue of it, make other plans for child care. Be diplomatic when discussing them with your mother-in-law because she's only trying to be helpful, but remind her that a newborn requires physical stamina to deal with on a daily basis, and you have hired outside help to aid you in raising your three little bundles of boundless energy.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to thank you for the help you've provided to caregivers throughout the years. Regarding "Still in Shock in Illinois," there are some other precautions families can take to ensure the proper care of their loved ones with regard to hiring home-care aides:

If possible, your loved one should receive care through a licensed home health-care agency or registry. Find out what kind of insurance they carry. Find out what procedures they use for background checks. Check all references yourself. Is someone available to assist you and your loved ones after-hours or in an emergency? Assess what level of care your loved one requires. Does the aide have the skills necessary for the job?

Do not let an aide have access to checking accounts. If money is needed for expenses, give them only what is necessary and always get receipts. And as "Still in Shock" rightfully recommended in her letter, vary the times of your visits and ask other relatives and friends to stop by as often as possible.

Above all: Trust your own instincts! If you feel that something is not right -- it probably isn't. -- GARY BARG, PUBLISHER, TODAY'S CAREGIVER MAGAZINE, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.

DEAR GARY: Thank you for the helpful suggestions. Providing care for frail loved ones takes time, patience, sensitivity and effort. Even those who shoulder the entire responsibility need to acknowledge the fact that respite is necessary on a regular basis. For families who are able to afford professional help, the suggestions you have offered will give some guidance through the sometimes confusing process of selecting the right caregiver.

What teens need to know about sex, drugs, AIDS, and getting along with peers and parents is in "What Every Teen Should Know." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Teen Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My close friend has had a turbulent 12-year marriage to a man who has had several long-term affairs. She has left him on several occasions, but always ends up returning.

Currently, she is separated. She told me that this time she is determined to go on without him and regain her self-esteem. I have just heard that she is in the planning stages of returning to him.

Abby, for 12 years I have listened to her cry, watched him break her heart over and over, and I can't take it anymore. She is asking me for words of encouragement and I can no longer offer them. I can't be supportive when I know she is going to be hurt again. I want to scream at her, "Wake up! You have rocks for brains and he's never going to change." How can I get through to her? -- TIRED OF WATCHING

DEAR TIRED: Have you told her what you've just told me? It wouldn't hurt to try. However, if you do try and your efforts fail, accept the fact that your friend must live her own life. For your own sanity, perhaps you should distance yourself from her. Losing your support might be the wake-up call she needs.

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a woman I'll call Mary. She has a 4-year-old granddaughter I'll call Ashley. In Mary's eyes, Ashley can do no wrong. I have actually heard Ashley say, "Shut up, Grandma," or "Come here right now!" -- and Grandma does.

Mary admits that Ashley's behavior isn't good, but she allows her to get away with it. Mary lives with her son (Ashley's father) and his wife, and if Daddy says no to Ashley, Mary quietly tells her to "wait until Daddy goes to work."

Abby, this child is so spoiled she's a brat. If I had behaved that way when I was growing up, I would have been paddled. I have tried talking to Mary about her granddaughter, but I get nowhere. What should I do? -- RECONSIDERING MARRIAGE

DEAR RECONSIDERING: Mary is living with Ashley's parents, and it's almost impossible for a grandmother not to spoil a cute little granddaughter while in such close proximity. However, if you and Mary get married, she'll be living with you, and you won't have to witness the spoiled child daily treating her grandmother disrespectfully.

Ashley is going through a phase that she will probably outgrow, but if she doesn't, keep in mind that your contact with her will be limited. Because you love Mary, you should be able to tolerate Ashley in small doses. Reconsider with this in mind, and let me know what you decide.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's 46-year-old son will soon be marrying for the third time. She is a nice, pretty lady who is his age. This will be her first marriage. She is from a large and wealthy family.

My wife informed me I will be buying dinner for all those attending the wedding rehearsal. Is this my responsibility? Do I pay for the drinks, too?

Shouldn't he, at his ripe old age, pay for this event himself? What about asking his five-times-married biological father to help share expenses? The father has provided very little to this "boy," who moved in with his mother and me when his first two marriages failed. -- FEELING BADLY USED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING BADLY USED: I see no compelling reason to open your checkbook. After the first marriage, your stepson should be footing the bill himself.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)