DEAR ABBY: My problem concerns my dear mother-in-law. She wants to baby-sit my infant daughter after I return to work. "Grandma" is 80. She's deaf and frequently does not wear her hearing aid. She is physically frail, confused and forgetful. Needless to say, my husband and I are uncomfortable with the idea of her baby sitting.

She used to baby-sit our two older children, but we stopped asking her last year because we were concerned about her ability to keep track of two active youngsters.

Abby, I cannot stand the thought of telling her, "We don't want you to take care of the baby because we think you're too old to do a good job of it." It would break her heart. She does not see herself as incompetent because she still lives alone. Every time I see her she asks if she can watch the baby, and I just smile and shrug and say, "We're not sure what we're going to do with her once I go back to work."

Is there some nice way I can tell her the truth? Or should I make up some plausible story to avoid hurting her feelings? I love her dearly and don't want to hurt her, but my concerns about my baby's safety are valid. -- UNCERTAIN IN FLORIDA

DEAR UNCERTAIN: The baby's welfare must come first. Without making an issue of it, make other plans for child care. Be diplomatic when discussing them with your mother-in-law because she's only trying to be helpful, but remind her that a newborn requires physical stamina to deal with on a daily basis, and you have hired outside help to aid you in raising your three little bundles of boundless energy.

DEAR ABBY: I'd like to thank you for the help you've provided to caregivers throughout the years. Regarding "Still in Shock in Illinois," there are some other precautions families can take to ensure the proper care of their loved ones with regard to hiring home-care aides:

If possible, your loved one should receive care through a licensed home health-care agency or registry. Find out what kind of insurance they carry. Find out what procedures they use for background checks. Check all references yourself. Is someone available to assist you and your loved ones after-hours or in an emergency? Assess what level of care your loved one requires. Does the aide have the skills necessary for the job?

Do not let an aide have access to checking accounts. If money is needed for expenses, give them only what is necessary and always get receipts. And as "Still in Shock" rightfully recommended in her letter, vary the times of your visits and ask other relatives and friends to stop by as often as possible.

Above all: Trust your own instincts! If you feel that something is not right -- it probably isn't. -- GARY BARG, PUBLISHER, TODAY'S CAREGIVER MAGAZINE, FORT LAUDERDALE, FLA.

DEAR GARY: Thank you for the helpful suggestions. Providing care for frail loved ones takes time, patience, sensitivity and effort. Even those who shoulder the entire responsibility need to acknowledge the fact that respite is necessary on a regular basis. For families who are able to afford professional help, the suggestions you have offered will give some guidance through the sometimes confusing process of selecting the right caregiver.

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DEAR ABBY: My close friend has had a turbulent 12-year marriage to a man who has had several long-term affairs. She has left him on several occasions, but always ends up returning.

Currently, she is separated. She told me that this time she is determined to go on without him and regain her self-esteem. I have just heard that she is in the planning stages of returning to him.

Abby, for 12 years I have listened to her cry, watched him break her heart over and over, and I can't take it anymore. She is asking me for words of encouragement and I can no longer offer them. I can't be supportive when I know she is going to be hurt again. I want to scream at her, "Wake up! You have rocks for brains and he's never going to change." How can I get through to her? -- TIRED OF WATCHING

DEAR TIRED: Have you told her what you've just told me? It wouldn't hurt to try. However, if you do try and your efforts fail, accept the fact that your friend must live her own life. For your own sanity, perhaps you should distance yourself from her. Losing your support might be the wake-up call she needs.

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a woman I'll call Mary. She has a 4-year-old granddaughter I'll call Ashley. In Mary's eyes, Ashley can do no wrong. I have actually heard Ashley say, "Shut up, Grandma," or "Come here right now!" -- and Grandma does.

Mary admits that Ashley's behavior isn't good, but she allows her to get away with it. Mary lives with her son (Ashley's father) and his wife, and if Daddy says no to Ashley, Mary quietly tells her to "wait until Daddy goes to work."

Abby, this child is so spoiled she's a brat. If I had behaved that way when I was growing up, I would have been paddled. I have tried talking to Mary about her granddaughter, but I get nowhere. What should I do? -- RECONSIDERING MARRIAGE

DEAR RECONSIDERING: Mary is living with Ashley's parents, and it's almost impossible for a grandmother not to spoil a cute little granddaughter while in such close proximity. However, if you and Mary get married, she'll be living with you, and you won't have to witness the spoiled child daily treating her grandmother disrespectfully.

Ashley is going through a phase that she will probably outgrow, but if she doesn't, keep in mind that your contact with her will be limited. Because you love Mary, you should be able to tolerate Ashley in small doses. Reconsider with this in mind, and let me know what you decide.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's 46-year-old son will soon be marrying for the third time. She is a nice, pretty lady who is his age. This will be her first marriage. She is from a large and wealthy family.

My wife informed me I will be buying dinner for all those attending the wedding rehearsal. Is this my responsibility? Do I pay for the drinks, too?

Shouldn't he, at his ripe old age, pay for this event himself? What about asking his five-times-married biological father to help share expenses? The father has provided very little to this "boy," who moved in with his mother and me when his first two marriages failed. -- FEELING BADLY USED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING BADLY USED: I see no compelling reason to open your checkbook. After the first marriage, your stepson should be footing the bill himself.

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DEAR ABBY: I need advice on airline etiquette. I am over 6 feet tall and a frequent traveler. As the distance between my knees and the seat in front of me in coach class is reduced by the airlines, is it unreasonable to expect the person in front of me to ask permission before pushing the seat back? Do passengers have the right to push as far back as possible without regard to the inconvenience and discomfort it may cause the passengers behind them?

Several times in the past few years, people -- usually women -- have pushed their seat backs into my knees, and when I told them nicely there was no more room for reclining, proceeded to push their seat back even farther. Not only is it uncomfortable and rude, it makes work on a laptop computer impossible. If someone were behind me, I wouldn't dream of reclining without his or her permission.

If there isn't a definitive rule, how about taking a stand to establish one? I know many travelers would be pleased to have this point of etiquette specifically addressed. -- PDX TRAVELER, TIGARD, ORE.

DEAR PDX TRAVELER: The passenger in front of you has a right to recline his seat, although it is rude and abrasive to do so without first obtaining permission. A solution to your problem would be to request bulkhead seating when you make your next reservation.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, whom I've known for eight years, frequently asks to borrow my clothes. I don't mind lending them to her, but she never returns them. After a while, she can't remember if they're hers or mine, so when I ask for something back, she claims it is hers.

I've tried saying no to her, but she always talks me into it. I value her friendship, and that makes it harder to stick to my guns and not give in. Is there a way to stop her from borrowing without destroying our friendship? I'm running out of clothes and patience. -- ALMOST NUDE IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR ALMOST NUDE: Stand in front of your mirror and practice saying, "No more. I'm running out of clothes and I'm no longer comfortable with this." If she's a real friend, she'll stop taking advantage of you.

However, if you can't bring yourself to refuse her, mark the labels in your clothes with your initials so there will be no question to whom they belong.

DEAR ABBY: My grandparents are flying into town soon to celebrate my mother's and grandfather's birthdays. My father wants to take a home-baked cake to the restaurant where we're having dinner. Is this appropriate? He insists it shouldn't be a problem. However, my mother and I think it would not be a good idea. We even joked about a "cake cutting fee" similar to that of a "corkage fee." What do you think? -- HEIDI

DEAR HEIDI: I see nothing inappropriate about taking a home-baked cake to the restaurant. It would add a personal touch to the celebration. However, I would contact the restaurant in advance and obtain their approval to be certain they wouldn't prefer you purchase a cake from them.

You could always forgo dessert at the restaurant and have cake and coffee at home.

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