DEAR ABBY: My close friend has had a turbulent 12-year marriage to a man who has had several long-term affairs. She has left him on several occasions, but always ends up returning.

Currently, she is separated. She told me that this time she is determined to go on without him and regain her self-esteem. I have just heard that she is in the planning stages of returning to him.

Abby, for 12 years I have listened to her cry, watched him break her heart over and over, and I can't take it anymore. She is asking me for words of encouragement and I can no longer offer them. I can't be supportive when I know she is going to be hurt again. I want to scream at her, "Wake up! You have rocks for brains and he's never going to change." How can I get through to her? -- TIRED OF WATCHING

DEAR TIRED: Have you told her what you've just told me? It wouldn't hurt to try. However, if you do try and your efforts fail, accept the fact that your friend must live her own life. For your own sanity, perhaps you should distance yourself from her. Losing your support might be the wake-up call she needs.

DEAR ABBY: I'm engaged to a woman I'll call Mary. She has a 4-year-old granddaughter I'll call Ashley. In Mary's eyes, Ashley can do no wrong. I have actually heard Ashley say, "Shut up, Grandma," or "Come here right now!" -- and Grandma does.

Mary admits that Ashley's behavior isn't good, but she allows her to get away with it. Mary lives with her son (Ashley's father) and his wife, and if Daddy says no to Ashley, Mary quietly tells her to "wait until Daddy goes to work."

Abby, this child is so spoiled she's a brat. If I had behaved that way when I was growing up, I would have been paddled. I have tried talking to Mary about her granddaughter, but I get nowhere. What should I do? -- RECONSIDERING MARRIAGE

DEAR RECONSIDERING: Mary is living with Ashley's parents, and it's almost impossible for a grandmother not to spoil a cute little granddaughter while in such close proximity. However, if you and Mary get married, she'll be living with you, and you won't have to witness the spoiled child daily treating her grandmother disrespectfully.

Ashley is going through a phase that she will probably outgrow, but if she doesn't, keep in mind that your contact with her will be limited. Because you love Mary, you should be able to tolerate Ashley in small doses. Reconsider with this in mind, and let me know what you decide.

DEAR ABBY: My wife's 46-year-old son will soon be marrying for the third time. She is a nice, pretty lady who is his age. This will be her first marriage. She is from a large and wealthy family.

My wife informed me I will be buying dinner for all those attending the wedding rehearsal. Is this my responsibility? Do I pay for the drinks, too?

Shouldn't he, at his ripe old age, pay for this event himself? What about asking his five-times-married biological father to help share expenses? The father has provided very little to this "boy," who moved in with his mother and me when his first two marriages failed. -- FEELING BADLY USED IN CALIFORNIA

DEAR FEELING BADLY USED: I see no compelling reason to open your checkbook. After the first marriage, your stepson should be footing the bill himself.

For an excellent guide to becoming a better conversationalist and a more attractive person, order "How to Be Popular." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby Popularity Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I need advice on airline etiquette. I am over 6 feet tall and a frequent traveler. As the distance between my knees and the seat in front of me in coach class is reduced by the airlines, is it unreasonable to expect the person in front of me to ask permission before pushing the seat back? Do passengers have the right to push as far back as possible without regard to the inconvenience and discomfort it may cause the passengers behind them?

Several times in the past few years, people -- usually women -- have pushed their seat backs into my knees, and when I told them nicely there was no more room for reclining, proceeded to push their seat back even farther. Not only is it uncomfortable and rude, it makes work on a laptop computer impossible. If someone were behind me, I wouldn't dream of reclining without his or her permission.

If there isn't a definitive rule, how about taking a stand to establish one? I know many travelers would be pleased to have this point of etiquette specifically addressed. -- PDX TRAVELER, TIGARD, ORE.

DEAR PDX TRAVELER: The passenger in front of you has a right to recline his seat, although it is rude and abrasive to do so without first obtaining permission. A solution to your problem would be to request bulkhead seating when you make your next reservation.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, whom I've known for eight years, frequently asks to borrow my clothes. I don't mind lending them to her, but she never returns them. After a while, she can't remember if they're hers or mine, so when I ask for something back, she claims it is hers.

I've tried saying no to her, but she always talks me into it. I value her friendship, and that makes it harder to stick to my guns and not give in. Is there a way to stop her from borrowing without destroying our friendship? I'm running out of clothes and patience. -- ALMOST NUDE IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR ALMOST NUDE: Stand in front of your mirror and practice saying, "No more. I'm running out of clothes and I'm no longer comfortable with this." If she's a real friend, she'll stop taking advantage of you.

However, if you can't bring yourself to refuse her, mark the labels in your clothes with your initials so there will be no question to whom they belong.

DEAR ABBY: My grandparents are flying into town soon to celebrate my mother's and grandfather's birthdays. My father wants to take a home-baked cake to the restaurant where we're having dinner. Is this appropriate? He insists it shouldn't be a problem. However, my mother and I think it would not be a good idea. We even joked about a "cake cutting fee" similar to that of a "corkage fee." What do you think? -- HEIDI

DEAR HEIDI: I see nothing inappropriate about taking a home-baked cake to the restaurant. It would add a personal touch to the celebration. However, I would contact the restaurant in advance and obtain their approval to be certain they wouldn't prefer you purchase a cake from them.

You could always forgo dessert at the restaurant and have cake and coffee at home.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I had a child three years ago. (I know we should have waited until we were married, but we didn't.) I also have other children.

When his parents learned I was pregnant, they wanted me to have an abortion. I refused. Ever since my daughter was born, they have become doting grandparents. They want her to themselves as much as possible.

Abby, they treat me and my other children badly, and they get upset when I call it to their attention. Please help to convince them to treat the children equally and to be civil to me. -- ALMOST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR ALMOST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Being an "almost" daughter-in-law is like being a "little bit" pregnant. Either you are or you aren't. Perhaps they are waiting until their son makes you part of the family before they feel comfortable treating you that way.

However, as disapproving as they may feel about your relationship with their son, they should be told that their obvious favoritism for their granddaughter is creating ill feelings among the other siblings. And they should curb it because it's unfair to her to be resented for something over which she has no control.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to relate our tragic story in the hope that other lives may be saved. Last May, our beautiful 2-year-old nephew drowned in the backyard pool. His parents were diligent about safety gates, locks and latches in their home. They had thought of everything the baby could possibly get into.

Tragically, they didn't think of one thing -- the pet door. While his mother was making homemade ice cream, he slipped through it and into the back yard. By the time she had raced through the house twice looking for him, it was too late.

This has been the most difficult thing our family has ever been through, and we will never get over it. I pray every day for his mother and father. The guilt and heartache they both feel are unimaginable.

Please, Abby, tell your readers that no matter how small a pet door is, a child may still be able to go through it. There didn't have to be a pool involved; he could have just as easily have gotten into the street and been hit by a car. -- AUNT PHYLLIS IN N.C.

DEAR AUNT PHYLLIS: My deepest sympathy to you and to the child's grieving parents for your tragic loss. Thank you for wanting to alert other parents of small children that if they have pet doors in areas where children can play, those doors should be secured or the little ones confined to another area. Constant adult supervision is imperative.

DEAR ABBY: My son is going to be baptized next month. His godparents will be flying in from another state for the ceremony. Is it proper to present them with a gift on behalf of my son? I would like to thank them in a special way for their commitment. -- CONFUSED MOM

DEAR CONFUSED MOM: Although it is not required, presenting them with a gift on behalf of your son would be a lovely gesture.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)