DEAR ABBY: I need advice on airline etiquette. I am over 6 feet tall and a frequent traveler. As the distance between my knees and the seat in front of me in coach class is reduced by the airlines, is it unreasonable to expect the person in front of me to ask permission before pushing the seat back? Do passengers have the right to push as far back as possible without regard to the inconvenience and discomfort it may cause the passengers behind them?

Several times in the past few years, people -- usually women -- have pushed their seat backs into my knees, and when I told them nicely there was no more room for reclining, proceeded to push their seat back even farther. Not only is it uncomfortable and rude, it makes work on a laptop computer impossible. If someone were behind me, I wouldn't dream of reclining without his or her permission.

If there isn't a definitive rule, how about taking a stand to establish one? I know many travelers would be pleased to have this point of etiquette specifically addressed. -- PDX TRAVELER, TIGARD, ORE.

DEAR PDX TRAVELER: The passenger in front of you has a right to recline his seat, although it is rude and abrasive to do so without first obtaining permission. A solution to your problem would be to request bulkhead seating when you make your next reservation.

DEAR ABBY: My best friend, whom I've known for eight years, frequently asks to borrow my clothes. I don't mind lending them to her, but she never returns them. After a while, she can't remember if they're hers or mine, so when I ask for something back, she claims it is hers.

I've tried saying no to her, but she always talks me into it. I value her friendship, and that makes it harder to stick to my guns and not give in. Is there a way to stop her from borrowing without destroying our friendship? I'm running out of clothes and patience. -- ALMOST NUDE IN OAKLAND, CALIF.

DEAR ALMOST NUDE: Stand in front of your mirror and practice saying, "No more. I'm running out of clothes and I'm no longer comfortable with this." If she's a real friend, she'll stop taking advantage of you.

However, if you can't bring yourself to refuse her, mark the labels in your clothes with your initials so there will be no question to whom they belong.

DEAR ABBY: My grandparents are flying into town soon to celebrate my mother's and grandfather's birthdays. My father wants to take a home-baked cake to the restaurant where we're having dinner. Is this appropriate? He insists it shouldn't be a problem. However, my mother and I think it would not be a good idea. We even joked about a "cake cutting fee" similar to that of a "corkage fee." What do you think? -- HEIDI

DEAR HEIDI: I see nothing inappropriate about taking a home-baked cake to the restaurant. It would add a personal touch to the celebration. However, I would contact the restaurant in advance and obtain their approval to be certain they wouldn't prefer you purchase a cake from them.

You could always forgo dessert at the restaurant and have cake and coffee at home.

For everything you need to know about wedding planning, order "How to Have a Lovely Wedding." Send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Wedding Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: My fiance and I had a child three years ago. (I know we should have waited until we were married, but we didn't.) I also have other children.

When his parents learned I was pregnant, they wanted me to have an abortion. I refused. Ever since my daughter was born, they have become doting grandparents. They want her to themselves as much as possible.

Abby, they treat me and my other children badly, and they get upset when I call it to their attention. Please help to convince them to treat the children equally and to be civil to me. -- ALMOST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW

DEAR ALMOST DAUGHTER-IN-LAW: Being an "almost" daughter-in-law is like being a "little bit" pregnant. Either you are or you aren't. Perhaps they are waiting until their son makes you part of the family before they feel comfortable treating you that way.

However, as disapproving as they may feel about your relationship with their son, they should be told that their obvious favoritism for their granddaughter is creating ill feelings among the other siblings. And they should curb it because it's unfair to her to be resented for something over which she has no control.

DEAR ABBY: I'm writing to relate our tragic story in the hope that other lives may be saved. Last May, our beautiful 2-year-old nephew drowned in the backyard pool. His parents were diligent about safety gates, locks and latches in their home. They had thought of everything the baby could possibly get into.

Tragically, they didn't think of one thing -- the pet door. While his mother was making homemade ice cream, he slipped through it and into the back yard. By the time she had raced through the house twice looking for him, it was too late.

This has been the most difficult thing our family has ever been through, and we will never get over it. I pray every day for his mother and father. The guilt and heartache they both feel are unimaginable.

Please, Abby, tell your readers that no matter how small a pet door is, a child may still be able to go through it. There didn't have to be a pool involved; he could have just as easily have gotten into the street and been hit by a car. -- AUNT PHYLLIS IN N.C.

DEAR AUNT PHYLLIS: My deepest sympathy to you and to the child's grieving parents for your tragic loss. Thank you for wanting to alert other parents of small children that if they have pet doors in areas where children can play, those doors should be secured or the little ones confined to another area. Constant adult supervision is imperative.

DEAR ABBY: My son is going to be baptized next month. His godparents will be flying in from another state for the ceremony. Is it proper to present them with a gift on behalf of my son? I would like to thank them in a special way for their commitment. -- CONFUSED MOM

DEAR CONFUSED MOM: Although it is not required, presenting them with a gift on behalf of your son would be a lovely gesture.

To receive a collection of Abby's most memorable -- and most frequently requested -- poems and essays, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby's "Keepers," P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)

DEAR ABBY: I had a potluck party at my house seven weeks ago. A friend who was a guest at the party left her Crock-Pot at my house.

I have been waiting for her to call me to arrange a time for her to pick it up. She hasn't called. After the new year, she remarked, "So how long are you going to hold my Crock-Pot hostage?" I was too aghast to respond to her. Abby, how can I get her to pick up her Crock-Pot at my house? She lives 30 miles away. Is it my responsibility to drive 30 miles to return it? Or should she pick it up? -- CROCK-POT CONFUSED IN WASHINGTON STATE

DEAR CONFUSED: Why stand on ceremony? Make a lunch or dinner date with your friend and meet her halfway. She did you a favor by bringing food to your party, so pick up the phone and arrange to return her Crock-Pot. It would be a gracious gesture.

DEAR ABBY: May I comment on the letter from the woman who purchased an answering machine to monitor calls while her husband was terminally ill? It lifted the burden of responding immediately to callers, and the messages people left were a source of comfort and support to her husband.

Several years ago, my husband was in the hospital. In order to keep friends and family updated on his condition, I put a message on my answering machine. That way, they did not wonder how he was, and it saved me many repetitive phone calls. Everyone appreciated the message, which I updated frequently, and they did not hesitate to call because they knew they were not bothering me. -- MARIA BREMER, MC HENRY, ILL.

DEAR MARIA: Putting a message on the "greeting" tape of the answering machine makes great sense. Not only did it provide reassurance to worried friends and relatives concerned about the condition of a family member, it could also keep families informed during disasters such as earthquakes, floods, tornadoes, etc.

DEAR ABBY: In response to the letter from Carol Rushing in Omaha, concerning a fatal accident that involved a driver using a cell phone: I am a senior driver and senior accident investigator for SuperShuttle Phoenix, registered with the National Safety Council. When I teach drivers the DDC (Defensive Driving Course), I tell them they must not use a cell phone while driving, and to be doubly alert when approaching a driver who is using one. I tell them to treat those drivers almost the same way they would an intoxicated driver, because the person is not driving with 100 percent concentration. Many traffic problems are caused by cell phone users who swerve across lanes and cause near-collisions.

In some countries, drivers are ticketed if they do not pull over and park before using a cell phone -- and I hope this restriction will be adopted in the United States to establish better safety for everyone on our streets and highways. -- MELVYN RATTNER, SENIOR ACCIDENT INVESTIGATOR, PHOENIX

DEAR MELVYN: Your opinion as a safety professional is greatly appreciated. The majority of mail I received on this subject came from angry cell phone users who were outraged that I suggested the use of cell phones in automobiles should be regulated. Obviously, they are not aware of the degree to which distracted drivers jeopardize other motorists.

Good advice for everyone -- teens to seniors -- is in "The Anger in All of Us and How to Deal With It." To order, send a business-sized, self-addressed envelope, plus check or money order for $3.95 ($4.50 in Canada) to: Dear Abby, Anger Booklet, P.O. Box 447, Mount Morris, Ill. 61054-0447. (Postage is included.)